My Mother's Christmas Meltdown

[Venetiaparties]

Oh god, wise ones on MN, I really need some advice.

I have been NC with my Dad for a year (and on and off for many years before that) due to childhood abuse and his treatment of my children (17,15 and 12) and the fact he isn't very nice to any of us when we used to visit. We just see my mum on her own now.

I was under the impression my parents were going to my sister's house for Christmas this year, but she has now accepted an invitation with family in Scotland and won't be here. She said she will be back to see them Boxing Day evening.

We booked to see some friends overseas, partially because I was finding the idea of spending Christmas with my Dad really stressful.

My mother has had the most epic meltdown this morning about spending the whole of Christmas on their own. She won't be seeing any family at all until boxing day evening. We leave on the 21st and get back on the 28th currently.

I am wracked with guilt at the idea she is going to be alone with my grumpy and miserable Dad for the whole of Christmas without any of us, he isn't especially nice to her either and I know she is going to be sobbing on Christmas morning and I am going to feel dreadful.

What on earth do I do?

There is no way dm would come with us (already suggested) and leave him here.
There is no way my sister can take them, there is no room in the car as it is, nor space when they get there.

I feel cornered, and I am tempted to cancel our trip and try and see them, I don't know how I will manage with my Dad, the thought gives me serious anxiety but for my mum's sake should I be changing our plans?

This resonates so much. My DF would never act like a twat when DH was around

Don't change your plans.

When she complains,

"I'm putting my children first. Given how I am treated by him, and your passivity to the whole thing, I cannot share Christmas with you while you are with him. If you ever acknowledge what he did, and does, and choose to leave him, I'll be here waiting for you"

Your DH is absolutely right. As awful as your DM's situation is, your responsibility is to your children. You have asked your mother to go with you; she won't; that's that. You can't cancel your family's trip away for her sake.

Your Mother made her choices to the detriment of her own children. Do not make the same mistake.

Break the mould. Your mother never put you and your sister first in the face of abuse. You can put your children first. Choose to. And put yourself first.

And have that conversation with your mum. She may never leave him, but you don't have to smooth everything over and make it better for your mum. You also don't have to pretend or pussy foot around the issue. You're not the one causing upset, he is. And your mum facilitates it.

I'm normally in favour of including everyone at Christmas. But that does not include abusive arseholes, or the enabling spouses who choose to inflict these arseholes onto their children and wider families. I would explain very clearly to your mother why your father is not welcome in your home, and allow her to choose whether she wants to come without him or not.

I am so sorry this is happening to you as well. Christmas is a nightmare for people in this position. I have been worrying about it for months. I hope you manage to have a peaceful day.

I remember your Christmas Eve post.

Unfortunately your mother has made her choice to stay with an abusive man whose not only abusive to her but to her children. This is her choice. Nobody is forcing her to stay with him.

Maybe spending Christmas alone will make her finally see this? Do not cancel your plans.

Your DH is completely right. Your mum has made her choices and I don't have much sympathy with her to be honest. She was the adult and she failed to protect her children.

Yup think of your husband and your children and put them first. Go and have a fantastic Christmas. Turn your phone off on Christmas Eve and don’t turn it back on until Boxing Day at the earliest.

Your mother may have had a hard life but so have you growing up with him. She has had every chance to leave. It’s a shame but that’s the way it is and you need to make peace with that- it’s her decision to have what you (and most people) would class as a horrible home life.

So you were left struggling, your children had six weeks of mum struggling… your mum has never stood up as an adult and helped you and that’s a mums job (regardless of fragile MH). Have a wonderful Christmas with your own family, unfortunately your DM has been afforded every opportunity to leave your abusive father.

Whether your actions constitute abandoning her or not is moot, really. Your greater duty is to the children and your own mental health, and abandonment of your mother is the lesser evil there. However shit a day she's going to have.

My df started going on about my teen dds weight repeatedly commenting on her body shape, weight increase/decrease and looks, that was the final straw. I was so worried he would cause an ED in my teen dds that I decided he would never see them again. Df seems to revel in stripping women and girls of their confidence. I can't have him around my kids, so I am not sure how Christmas would even work.

I guess if we were here at least I could take my dc and pick up my mum and see her for a few hours around Christmas (she lives miles away so this isn't actually very doable) but I could work out a way to see her. It wouldn't be for Christmas lunch as he would have to be there, and that isn't possible any longer.

Don't change your plans.
It's just another day.
Your Mum is, however painful it is for you to see this, both complicit and enabling this behaviour. She's trapped by complex reasons of her own. So, I'm not judging her as I don't know the whole story
I loved my Mum dearly and was delighted when she finally left my abusive Dad. But she made decisions that hurt me as a child to placate him. You are making decisions that protect your children rather than placate the abuser.
Don't try and fix the situation. You have made plans which are good for you and your family.

Your mothers made her own choices

of course she can leave

she wont

consequwnxes are her own

He is an evil man. She is a woman who (irrespective of her own issues), chose to stay. Chose to ignore it. Chose to keep her children in this world.

As a mother to girls yourself, please, please do not give your mothers situation any of your kindness and understanding.

Would you do what she did? What would you say to your dds if they found themselves in this situation? If they ever came to you and disclosed something about their dad?

They won’t be alone, they’ll be with each other. And its not the whole of Christmas, its 1 day.
Don't be emotionally blackmailed. Enjoy your Christmas with your friends x

Think about what you would be teaching your own children if you cancelled.

It would send the message that their Christmas is less important to you than your mother’s and you would be setting them the example that, should they encounter abuse in their future, they should prioritise the need of others instead of drawing clear boundaries for their own safety. I am sure that last year, when you were unable to eat due to your father’s abuse, that your DH was frightened for you and distressed for your children. I am sure you needed his love and support. How will he feel now if you willingly expose yourself to that cruelty again? This isn’t just about your mother - it affects your DH and your children too. Your DM is a victim but she’s not completely alone or powerless. You have offered her an alternative Christmas but she doesn’t feel able to take your help. That can’t mean that you sacrifice your family Christmas, your own mental health and the values of self-respect and and self-preservation that you will want your children to have in the future.

This is very hard for you and your DM but your father’s cycle of abuse needs to end with you not get passed along to another generation. Show your children what boundaries are. Sending you love and strength.

I basically had to lie and pretend to be ill so my dc wouldn't know why I was losing weight, and yes my mother left me to it. I was really upset. I posted on here at the time, and got so much good advice and support, I didn't think I would be back here again this year 😔

I'll be honest, if I was your dh, I'd stretch the dc not seeing your dad even further and demand they didn't see your mum either. She's an enabler.

I can see the replies aren’t helping you. I hope you find a way to learn how to reframe your thinking, CBT worked for me in relation to my shit mother. Your pro-abuser mother doesn’t deserve one second of thought.

I can never understand why parents do this to their children?! My children have left home. One is abroad, so can't come at Christmas (well, I guess she could but unless she arranged that, I would never suggest it, as it's long haul), the other is about 40 minutes away - I texted him yesterday and asked what his plans were, simply because I'm now starting to book a few things, like meals, a quiz etc, and wanted to know if/what he and his partner might be around for. I would never pressure either of them to be here, even if I was alone (which sometimes I can be, as DH works shifts). Son replied he'd be here for Christmas but not New Years - DH is working on NYE, from 8pm till 7am, so I shall be alone on NYE - I have not kicked up any fuss at all, I haven't even told my son that DH is working and I'll be alone, as I wouldn't want to put on any pressure, and in any case, I'm a grown woman who can entertain myself!

Anyway, unless your parents are 90 and frail, I just don't get where your Mum is coming from? How old are they?!

There's loads of churches and community centres doing Christmas Dinner so she can join one of them. Don't give in to her emotionally abusive blackmailing attempts.

Your mum made her choices for her life, and those choices impacted you in an awful way. Your dad was abusive. Your mum did nothing to protect you. They are both bad parents.

She made her choices and she didnt consider you. Now it's time for you to make your choices.... and you need to consider your children, your family life and your happiness. Your parents wont.