My Mother's Christmas Meltdown

[Venetiaparties]

Oh god, wise ones on MN, I really need some advice.

I have been NC with my Dad for a year (and on and off for many years before that) due to childhood abuse and his treatment of my children (17,15 and 12) and the fact he isn't very nice to any of us when we used to visit. We just see my mum on her own now.

I was under the impression my parents were going to my sister's house for Christmas this year, but she has now accepted an invitation with family in Scotland and won't be here. She said she will be back to see them Boxing Day evening.

We booked to see some friends overseas, partially because I was finding the idea of spending Christmas with my Dad really stressful.

My mother has had the most epic meltdown this morning about spending the whole of Christmas on their own. She won't be seeing any family at all until boxing day evening. We leave on the 21st and get back on the 28th currently.

I am wracked with guilt at the idea she is going to be alone with my grumpy and miserable Dad for the whole of Christmas without any of us, he isn't especially nice to her either and I know she is going to be sobbing on Christmas morning and I am going to feel dreadful.

What on earth do I do?

There is no way dm would come with us (already suggested) and leave him here.
There is no way my sister can take them, there is no room in the car as it is, nor space when they get there.

I feel cornered, and I am tempted to cancel our trip and try and see them, I don't know how I will manage with my Dad, the thought gives me serious anxiety but for my mum's sake should I be changing our plans?

Yes, how is your mother a safe person for the DC?

As he knows my one weakness is Christmas and my mum, and I find it very hard to leave her on her own with him.

But she she doesn't find it hard to leave you on your own with him while he overtly abuses you. I appreciate that she is in an awful situation, but throwing yourself and your children under that bus doesn't protect her and if she had anything close to your best interests at heart, she wouldn't allow you to.

Mathematically, you can either leave her to a miserable Christmas (of her choosing) , or you can condemn an additional five people to suffer through it as well. Neither you mum or dad can be good parents to you no matter what you do, but you can be a good parent to your children by choosing not to ruin their Christmas.

Hold hard - you can do it. Reiterate that you are happy for your mum to come with you but that you will not put your family through Christmas day with your father.

Your mum doesn’t deserve this worry from you. I think you need therapy. If she wanted to leave she could leave, if she didn’t like what he was Dayi f she could speak up. She doesn’t want to leave, she doesn’t want to protect you or your children from her abusive husband as long as she gets what she wants when she stomps her feet.

You care far too much about someone who is more than willing to see you sick at the hands of your father to get her own way.

Actually the replies are most definitely helping. It is reminding me what happened last year, and in the past and how important it is to keep my children safe from that monster of a man.

I am now definitely not going to be seeing him.
I can leave the offer of coming with us with my dm. She has the choice.

Sister just texted to say she can't be expected to have dp every year just because I can't manage them any longer, and she is right. Every other year they will be on their own for xmas now and that is sad, but also their choice, not mine.

Under those circumstances your sister can’t cancel.
Your mum has lots of choices.
She stays home and ignores the fact it’s Christmas. Doing this is my idea of heaven.
She can go to Scotland ( train or fly) and stay locally to your sister.
She can book a trip to Spain, Canaries, The Gambia ( all warm over Xmas and set up for tourists) just for herself. Leave misery guts at home.
She can volunteer, lots of homeless charities will welcome help. Contact local Salvation Army etc…
If staying home she mentally prepares Christmas as one day. Midnight on Christmas Day it’s over, go out the next day, walk on a beach. Go to the sales, go to the nearest large city and just walk around.
I was widowed 11 years ago. I hate Christmas but I’ve learnt to cope and now it doesn’t touch me because I won’t let it.

I’m sorry you experienced abuse growing up and I understand it’s hard to see your mum down, but your description of her behaviour of walking away and pretending it wasn’t happening let xmas when your dad played the video is the unfortunate reality of the choices your mum makes. She will ignore abuse but has no problem with having a meltdown around you and pulling a massive guilt trip on you.

I know you feel sorry for her, but you need to put yourself and your family first. She had choices when you were growing up and she chose to stay with an abuser while he was abusing her children.

You say he has also behaved badly to your children so quite rightly you have chosen to protect them.

Your husband is right and this is the FOG. You have offered your mother support to leave him and she has refused. She could have got out by now and she’s chosen not to - and continues to facilitate him by pulling on your emotional heartstrings. I think you are in denial tbh about how culpable your mother is because of your pity for her. She isn’t going to change, she’s made her choices - now you need to choose how much longer you will make her lack of action your problem. She didn’t protect you, why do you feel you have to protect and listen to her? It was not, is not and has never been your job as her child to facilitate her and the choices she has made.

Not sure how old your mum is but many people help in Xmas kitchens so they are not alone. Up to her, she has choices. You as a child didn't. I think you are amazing for still seeing her if I am honest.

Abusers are vile creatures. Enablers are not far behind.

Nobody should be cancelling their plans.

OP's mother - for whatever reasons, & I'm aware these can be compelling - chose to stay married to a man who abused her own child, then went on to abuse his GC.

She won't be alone for xmas.
She has been given the option to join OP, but has refused, because she cannot countenance leaving OP's father alone on xmas day.
So she will spend it with him. Not 'alone'.

It might help her consider the impact of her H's actions on her relationship with OP & her GC.

Your husband is right spending Christmas with him is not fair on you or the kids. So it is not an option.

It is a shame your mum is alone but it is one day. She will see your sister on boxing day and you when you get back. Your mum being sad on Christmas morning js unfortunate but not your fault or anything you can fix.

On her own, I consider my mother safe. Is there a reason why she isn't? She doesn't talk about my father in front of my dc.

Please please don't cancel your plans.

You have to protect yourself and your own DC from this toxic situation. Your mother has made her choices and continues to do so. You have to accept this.

No More Emotional Blackmail!!

But she will allow them to be abused and do nothing.

How is someone who choices to stay with and not protect her child or grandchildren from an abusive person safe? She doesn’t see your father as a risk. She’s not got good judgment at all.

There are 365 days in a year, what makes this one day so different from all the others that she cant be left alone with the person she choses to live with?
She needs to grow up and take responisbility for her choices, do not pass this trauma down to your children.

It is sad but lots of people have been alone on Christmas it isn't that big a deal, especially as one sister is going to be with a terminally ill family member and the other has a trip already booked. I've been alone on Christmas and it sucks but I didn't have a meltdown and cause this amount of guilt to my family. I actually think your mum is being a bit selfish here 😬😬😬

They have both made their beds and now need to lay in them. Don't change your plans to suit them. It wouldn't be acceptable to put your children into an abusive situation. Their actions have consequences which they now need to face.

I know this is harsh… but your mom CHOOSES to be with your father. And you choose not to be. She has as much responsibility in this as anyone else. She has made her choice and now has to deal with consequences.

Shes an adult and she's made her choices. This is the consequence to her of those choices. Wishing you strength, it can't be easy but it sounds like you have a rock solid dh on your side, let him support you in holding fast on this one.

Your mother didn't put you first and allowed your father's abuse to control everything.

Don't make that mistake with your kids.

She's made her choice.

(Videos of your eating disorder? What the fuck?)

Then you need to accept your mother's wish to stay in a coercively controlling marriage with a man who abused his own daughters.
And SHE needs to accept that her choices have consequences.

Your DH is right OP - you are being played.
Of course you feel sorry for your mother, but she is not an entirely innocent party here, just because she also is a victim. She is being manipulative, & clearly knows exactly where to apply the emotional blackmailing for maximum effect.

Essentially, she is asking you to suck up whatever abuse your father handed out to you & your DC, & allow him to spend xmas with you all.
She doesn't appear to be feeling any guilt about that. Let alone guilt for choosing to stay married to a man who abused his daughters.

Remind me again what YOU have to feel guilty about?

You've offered your mum an alternative which she's refused. That's her decision, but it shouldn't then upset your plans. Therefore she's made her choice and you can stick to your original plans, knowing you tried.

Not your fault your sister changed her plans. Just carry on with your own plans.

Can I be completely frank.

What happened to me as a child shouldn't happen to anyone, and I have so far managed to give my dc a very different life.

That said I can't get past my guilt for leaving my mother, and it is her choice to stay, with such a bully. It is very very hard to leave her there knowing what he is like.
So whilst I will move heaven and earth to break the cycle and I have managed really well, Christmas with all of the fuzzy adverts and happy families really really hurts like hell and it is very testing. Because I still want to make this okay for my mum. Despite her not protecting us as dc, and still not being able to do so now.

That does not mean I am going. Or will not put my dc first.

It means for me this is really painful and a hard and difficult decision to make.

There is one thing that hits me about your posts. I understand your feelings of guilt about your mother (I had a similar situation to deal with, but he's dead now). However, you now have children of your own and you need to protect them in a way that your mother failed to do for you and your sister. Whatever you decide to do in the future you should never, ever, allow this man to be with your children again. Don't let him into your house, don't take them to his. Your mother will just have to deal with that as best she can, getting to see you without him when she can. The responsibility for that lies with her, it's not for you to agonise over.
This Christmas - you need to find the strength to stop picking this scab. The situation is not of your making and it's not your responsibility to fix it.

It sounds as if your mother is being faced with the consequences of staying with your father. Perhaps she has clung on to the notion of ‘family’ and now she sees that she will be left with him on Christmas Day and can’t face it. It’s sad but you shouldn’t give up the Christmas which you have planned. You have become enmeshed with her and need to try to distance yourself if at all possible. Down the line if she could be made aware of resources to help her see her predicament more clearly eg the Duluth wheel of power and control which shows the behaviour of abusers very clearly, this might help her.