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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My Mother's Christmas Meltdown

758 replies

Venetiaparties · 29/11/2022 10:51

Oh god, wise ones on MN, I really need some advice.

I have been NC with my Dad for a year (and on and off for many years before that) due to childhood abuse and his treatment of my children (17,15 and 12) and the fact he isn't very nice to any of us when we used to visit. We just see my mum on her own now.

I was under the impression my parents were going to my sister's house for Christmas this year, but she has now accepted an invitation with family in Scotland and won't be here. She said she will be back to see them Boxing Day evening.

We booked to see some friends overseas, partially because I was finding the idea of spending Christmas with my Dad really stressful.

My mother has had the most epic meltdown this morning about spending the whole of Christmas on their own. She won't be seeing any family at all until boxing day evening. We leave on the 21st and get back on the 28th currently.

I am wracked with guilt at the idea she is going to be alone with my grumpy and miserable Dad for the whole of Christmas without any of us, he isn't especially nice to her either and I know she is going to be sobbing on Christmas morning and I am going to feel dreadful.

What on earth do I do?

There is no way dm would come with us (already suggested) and leave him here.
There is no way my sister can take them, there is no room in the car as it is, nor space when they get there.

I feel cornered, and I am tempted to cancel our trip and try and see them, I don't know how I will manage with my Dad, the thought gives me serious anxiety but for my mum's sake should I be changing our plans?

OP posts:
SantaStoleMyPies · 19/12/2022 15:29

I have already booked for next year Xmas

Proper explosion of victorious laughter here. Well done, OP.

Live life well with your beautiful family and Have a Very Merry Christmas.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/12/2022 15:53

I have already booked for next year Xmas

And quite right too Xmas Grin Your happiness and relief really does shine through every post and I'm SO glad

As said, though, you might want to put something in place for if she tries to contact you with an invented "emergency". I speak from bitter experience, and such types don't always take well to their power being taken away

MeridianB · 19/12/2022 15:59

Awesome. Fuck them! Order another cocktail! Gin

Pemba · 19/12/2022 16:46

When you say your kids 'didn't want to go' you don't mean on this holiday you're on, did you? Do you mean they didn't want to go and spend the day with your parents? I hope they are enjoying themselves now and I bet they are!

Your father sounds quite monstrous, and sorry to say but your mother doesn't sound great either. Your DD was right to say it's emotional manipulation. She has no reason to complain, you even offered to take her with you.

She's made her bed, etc, etc, and you owe them nothing after how they've treated you. Onwards and upwards! The family you have made is your family now, and your DH sounds great. Just be happy and try not to think of your 'D' parents much, they don't deserve the headspace.

usernamealreadytaken · 19/12/2022 17:04

Venetiaparties · 19/12/2022 13:20

Just had a cocktail IN THE AFTERNOON!
Feeling quite jolly and it feels like the right decision. Kids are over the moon, as I discussed with them whether we should cancel or not (they didn't want to go)
Everything feels, well, lighter and nicer and freeing.
The pit of dread in my stomach has finally gone because I am here now. I can let go of the worry.
I am not working out strategies for months/weeks before hand to 'manage' my father or playing out scenarios if a, b or c happens then what we will do. I can just relax and I am not even cooking for once, first time in 20 years!

I have already booked for next year Xmas Blush
It was my xmas and birthday present rolled into one (and it is inexpensive now we have booked over a year in advance) and it means I can have a whole year next year of not worrying about another bloody christmas hanging over me. Which is more important to me than anything else. I don't even have to dread next year now!
I never thought I could just drop the rope and walk away. I was always the 'responsible one' that never lets anyone down, 'comes good' whatever the personal cost and holds the fort and prevent the house of cards from collapsing. Well, it turns out we don't need the cards, and we don't need the house, and it is possible to just turn around and gently say I am doing my life differently now thanks all the same, and it is really isn't going to be on anyone else's terms/on demand or involve any level of cruelty anymore.

Thank you for such warm messages of support. I didn't know I had it in me to go ahead and leave them all to it once and for all. I caved last year and gave in, and look what happened, what a lesson but this year I held my nerve and I am so glad I did. I noticed I am no longer crying to every Christmas song I hear.. I don't know what that is about, but it can't be a bad thing. So kids have listened to nothing else Xmas Grin and you know even they look happier and are laughing much more. Dh looks relaxed without strain. I have to really enjoy this now. Thank you everyone.

Haven't RTFT but have read all your updates, and I am so glad to read this latest one. Don't want to go in to details rn, but I can sympathise with your story. Have the most wonderful Christmas - the one you've waited so long for, surrounded by people who love you xxx

RavenclawsPrincess · 19/12/2022 17:08

YES!!! So pleased for you @Venetiaparties enjoy your holiday. Your DD is right, it was emotional manipulation - and it hasn’t worked. Good for you.

HermioneWeasley · 19/12/2022 18:55

Whoop whoop! So pleased to see your update

villamariavintrapp · 19/12/2022 19:12

So pleased to read this-happy Christmas! One thing though, don't invite your mum next year!

Always4Brenner · 19/12/2022 19:37

Best news ever this is fantastic to read well done. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Aquasulis · 19/12/2022 19:39

Well done. Can I suggest you block them over your holiday totally so there is no drama to reel you back in and the children do too!!

AcrossthePond55 · 19/12/2022 21:51

I am grinning from ear to ear for you! A merry merry and a happy happy to you and your little family.

Perinnialdreamer · 19/12/2022 22:21

I am so pleased for you OP, glad you were able to break the chain and walk away. I know it was tough, and you did it anyways, well done you! You are made of stronger stuff. Massively proud of you.
Also, just putting things in perspective, you couldn't be the child in the Christmas adverts, but you are the parent in those adverts aren't you? That's yours to hold on to. Best wishes have a merry time X

N0RKS · 19/12/2022 22:32

Brilliant update, you strong, amazing woman

Devora13 · 19/12/2022 23:02

Do not allow your children or yourself to be further abused. Your father's behaviour is not only retraumatising you, it will impact on your own children. Of course your mother is suffering, and she will continue to suffer unless she makes the decision to leave this man. Please remember she allowed him to abuse you too, don't allow history to repeat with your own children.

cstaff · 20/12/2022 00:21

This is such a great update op. Really well done. I love that you have booked for next year also. Happy Christmas 🎄

FictionalCharacter · 20/12/2022 01:28

Well done, and double well done for booking next year!
I recognise that feeling of freedom you describe. It used to feel to me like breathing fresh, cool air again.

CaveMum · 20/12/2022 09:46

Well done OP! You've found your inner advocate and she's a lioness! Enjoy your holiday and your family.

MintChocCornetto · 20/12/2022 09:59

Great update. So glad you are all relaxed and having a good time. I did laugh when I saw your booked for next year too - bloody well done 😂

Enjoy those cocktails 🍸

SnowAndIceLobelia · 20/12/2022 10:04

So pleased for you OP. :)

FWIW my parents have booked a Christmas cruise this year in order to avoid family crap. (They live a long way from me, so i am not part of the family crap thing- I think anyway!). My father rang yesterday morning to say it was wonderful and they have also already booked for next year! No more juggling who to see when. No more setting up to fail by my extremely nasty Aunt. No more passive aggressive (and outright aggressive) dogs and resulting fights and hopefully no more my mother becoming a snappy horrible cow as the date drew nearer because she was scared and anxious then crying all through Christmas day and for weeks afterwards.

As my dad said ' We decided to tell ' em fuck ' em' and they are having the christmases they like for a change.

You have done the right thing foryourself and for your REAL family- your DH and DCs. I am so so so pleased for you.

SnowAndIceLobelia · 20/12/2022 10:06

*aggressive DIGS that was, not dogs!

missingeu · 20/12/2022 10:21

Brilliant news, well done and have a fantastic amazing christmas with many more to come.

Lottapianos · 20/12/2022 12:57

So wonderful to read your updates. I love the phrase 'drop the rope ' - I'm doing a lot of that myself these days. Just refusing to play the same old games anymore. It's absolutely life changing when you realise, and really believe deep down in your guts, that other people's problems are not yours to fix, and you don't have to be 'the good girl' anymore. Enjoy those cocktails, and enjoy your hard earned freedom - so thrilled for you x

Dutch1e · 20/12/2022 18:20

You're lovely and brilliant and brave OP.

Through this whole thread I've been wondering if your mother was just as much of a monster as your father is, and sure enough, she is.

As desolate as that is to realise, it's also incredibly freeing. You're FREE! I'm so bloody delighted for you, and proud of you, if the opinion of an internet stranger means anything at all.

ButterflyOil · 20/12/2022 19:20

how fantastic! You have a brilliant Christmas!! 🥳🥳

MissFancyDay · 20/12/2022 19:51

So, so pleased for you OP, and so relieved for your Dh and DC. They must dread Christmas as well.

No more...only happy Christmases to come, and only good memories going forward.

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