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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not inviting family to Center Parcs?

184 replies

Saju1 · 29/11/2022 04:17

My sister is annoyed for not inviting her son (my nephew) to CP.

I have booked a lodge to celebrate my birthday, and there is room for 1 more person, however I don't want anyone else to come. The issue I have is that she treats my nephew like a child when he is an adult, therefore I am going to have to collect him and take him home, that adds an extra hour to the car journey (it already takes 1.5 hours) when I already have a young baby in a car. I am going to have to babysit and pay for all of their food and activities.

Also, my nephew doesn't call me on my birthday, so I feel like they just want a free holiday.

AIBU? If not, how do I tell her I can't take him?

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 29/11/2022 09:01

Saju1 · 29/11/2022 08:19

@Greydogs123 yes

What are you replying yes to?

You really need to give more information if you want any sort of useful advice.

Hungoverandashamed · 29/11/2022 09:09

She's replying to the question of whether the nephew has SN.

Is it your aunt putting the pressure on? Has your sister even asked directly or just made her feelings known through other channels that she's expecting him to be included?

Shinyandnew1 · 29/11/2022 09:20

Hungoverandashamed · 29/11/2022 09:09

She's replying to the question of whether the nephew has SN.

Is it your aunt putting the pressure on? Has your sister even asked directly or just made her feelings known through other channels that she's expecting him to be included?

How do you know?

She was replying to @Greydogs123 and they didn’t ask if the nephew had SEN.

This thread has got confusing and it would really help if @Saju1 could clarify some details!

@Saju1 Can you please answer…
Has your sister asked if your nephew can come?
Has she asked if you will pick him up and pay for everything he does?
What did you reply?
What other conversation have you had with your sister about this?
Does your nephew have SEN? What sort of care do they need and why does your sister think you would be providing this care, without her, on your birthday, when you have a baby?
Are you paying for everyone’s food/activities who is going or are they paying for themselves?

PinkyFlamingo · 29/11/2022 09:24

Why on earth would an 18 year old need looking after??

TheOrigRights · 29/11/2022 09:28

OP, if you step back and look at this from an outsiders POV, surely you can see it's all very, very odd, and why so many responders are puzzled.

Is there a history of strange family dynamics that would be useful to know?

starfishmummy · 29/11/2022 09:43

Weird. We don't even take anyone away with us. As I knee said to DH - we go away to get away from everyone, not to take them with us!!

Unicorn717 · 29/11/2022 10:02

Well he's 18 so he wouldn't need babysitting but it's cheeky that she's trying to even get him invited.

You don't have to take him and why would he want to go.

Original poster
Saju1 · 29/11/2022 12:21

@Hungoverandashamed I haven't spoken to my sister, she just let me know through my aunt.

OP posts:
Original poster
Saju1 · 29/11/2022 12:24

My family is massive, so the dynamics are strange. Once you invite one person, you 'need' to the invite the next one, then the next one, etc. All of this because my aunt came, I don't really want to invite her anywhere again.

OP posts:
TiaraBoo · 29/11/2022 12:27

I would say ‘Sis I’m not inviting anyone else on this trip, it’s just my family plus mums bringing her sister’

Shinyandnew1 · 29/11/2022 12:28

Saju1 · 29/11/2022 12:24

My family is massive, so the dynamics are strange. Once you invite one person, you 'need' to the invite the next one, then the next one, etc. All of this because my aunt came, I don't really want to invite her anywhere again.

In that case, if you knew things were complicated with strange dynamics, I would have just decided to go away with my husband and child!

Can you answer any of the other questions-it might clarify a few things?

Original poster
Saju1 · 29/11/2022 12:33

Has your sister asked if your nephew can come? Yes
Has she asked if you will pick him up and pay for everything he does? No, but I know how they are, and they will just expect that
What did you reply? I haven't spoken to my sister directly, it has been through my aunt
What other conversation have you had with your sister about this? None
Does your nephew have SEN? What sort of care do they need and why does your sister think you would be providing this care, without her, on your birthday, when you have a baby? He has severe autism, sometimes he might accidently break stuff, become very sentimental and depressed. To be honest I don't know much about autism, but these are the things he needs support with.
Are you paying for everyone’s food/activities who is going or are they paying for themselves? I paid for the whole villa myself.

OP posts:
TheOrigRights · 29/11/2022 12:35

He has severe autism

That would have been useful information to have included in your OP.

SleeplessInEngland · 29/11/2022 12:36

Obviously you know YANBU.

OnlyFannys · 29/11/2022 12:38

Surely if your sister wants him to go it's on her to book for her and him and take him

DrMarciaFieldstone · 29/11/2022 12:45

Saju1 · 29/11/2022 12:33

Has your sister asked if your nephew can come? Yes
Has she asked if you will pick him up and pay for everything he does? No, but I know how they are, and they will just expect that
What did you reply? I haven't spoken to my sister directly, it has been through my aunt
What other conversation have you had with your sister about this? None
Does your nephew have SEN? What sort of care do they need and why does your sister think you would be providing this care, without her, on your birthday, when you have a baby? He has severe autism, sometimes he might accidently break stuff, become very sentimental and depressed. To be honest I don't know much about autism, but these are the things he needs support with.
Are you paying for everyone’s food/activities who is going or are they paying for themselves? I paid for the whole villa myself.

You are still NBU to not take him.

GingerFoxInAT0phat · 29/11/2022 12:45

We go to a largish holiday home once a year just dh, 2 dcs, dog and I. One year we invited a couple of dhs friends and two of my family members. I had to travel to pick them up and take them home. Tbh it changed the whole dynamic. I felt like we was paying for everyone else’s holiday, no one was tidying up after themselves and we felt we had to entertain everyone.

it’s different if it’s a planned thing but I wouldn’t add extra people onto your earlier planned break.

JenniferBarkley · 29/11/2022 12:47

The severe autism is a pretty big drip feed.

Every family has their own dynamics. It sounds like if the aunt was included, then historically your nephew would have been too? In which case it would have been wise to give your sister a heads up that this wasn't happening this time. Is your sister your nephew's carer? In years past has she relied on you and these trips for respite?

Fair enough to change what you're offering, but it does sound like you might have handled it poorly and that your sister is hurt. It must be very difficult for her to be aware that your nephew isn't starting out on his independent adult life like other young men his age.

Booklover3 · 29/11/2022 12:48

Just say no. Not this time. And get on with it

Unicorn717 · 29/11/2022 12:48

Unless you're inviting everyone but him, which you're not, you're not being unreasonable. If your sister wants him to go on holiday she can take him.

ChnandlerBong · 29/11/2022 12:50

why would an 18 year old want to go on holiday to Center Parcs with his aunt and grandparents? The only way my ds would go would be if it was just him and his mates.....

MrsSkylerWhite · 29/11/2022 12:52

Of course you’re not unreasonable. I think you were generous including your aunt against your wishes too.

Just say no 🤷‍♀️

JenniferBarkley · 29/11/2022 13:02

ChnandlerBong · 29/11/2022 12:50

why would an 18 year old want to go on holiday to Center Parcs with his aunt and grandparents? The only way my ds would go would be if it was just him and his mates.....

OP has clarified that her nephew has severe autism, which changes the situation somewhat.

Ellie1015 · 29/11/2022 13:13

Your sister hasn't asked you anything. She may have just mused "oh nephew would love that" when speaking to aunt.

IF she asks then you have some good examples of how to politely decline. Try not to stress.

Sister may have hinted to aunt and now spoken to nephew who has already said absolutely no chance i am i going to centre parcs with my gran, great aunt and a small child.

Ellie1015 · 29/11/2022 13:14

Ellie1015 · 29/11/2022 13:13

Your sister hasn't asked you anything. She may have just mused "oh nephew would love that" when speaking to aunt.

IF she asks then you have some good examples of how to politely decline. Try not to stress.

Sister may have hinted to aunt and now spoken to nephew who has already said absolutely no chance i am i going to centre parcs with my gran, great aunt and a small child.

Sorry i missed the part about severe autism. Ignore last paragraph