Adult ADHD - anyone else fed up of the constant battle.and of constantly losing it?

[WhoHasMovedMyBrain]

EVery evening I think that the next day will.be different. That I'll do my work, work when I have to, that I won't stuff my face, that I won't be late, that I'll tick off at least one tiny little.thing on.my.to. do.list. and every day I fail. I'm winging life because I've got a very organised and hard working husband, a very supportive family who have always carried me and because I can sort of.work when I'm.in dire straits..just before a deadline comes crashing down. I'm.so.fed up of the constant stress,.the constant self loathing, constantly underperforming, constantly fighting a losing battle. I feel.as.if..im.wasting my life away.

My psychiatrist is happy to prescribe meds but before.that I need to.make an appointment with my gp to get some blood tests done and I just can't do it. I can't.make the appointment to.do.the blood tests. I mean how stupid can you get?

And now I'm so late to.pick up DC that I can't have a shower. Though I've been looking forward to.it all day.

I know.im.lucky and. I've got it better than most so.i hate complaining but I hate my brain..I don't care if it's ADHD or.if I'm.just lazy, crazy and stupid but i hate being this way.

Can anyone relate?

I think it can be an effect of ADHD symptoms - feeling anxious because you know you haven’t done things, and sometimes can’t even remember what you were supposed to have done; feeling like you’re letting everyone down; feeling like you’re about to be found out, and so on.

It’s so common for women with ADHD to be very anxious. They’re probably masking that too though, which adds to it.

@TightPants I got a private diagnosis (but haven’t in any way gotten round to any of the trying to investigate medication stuff - too many steps that involve asking GPS who will try to palm me off, despite the very clear diagnosis).

I also struggle with organisation at work. And communication. I am simply overwhelmed by multi-channel communication. Teams is killing me. It was ok in my previous job because people just used the messaging function (individually or in groups) so it was easy to see if there were new messages for me. But my new job seems to love setting up project teams on Teams and then using the chat bits in those channels. So many places to remember to check, and much of it is never relevant.

And now my new project has set me up a separate email account. That’s two email accounts to check. Plus teams. Plus apparently we’re supposed to use yammer for stuff.

And I never know where to save stuff. 😩

I had my quarterly review recently and mostly I came out of it relieved that they haven’t found me out yet. I can be really great - I can carry a whole project, set the direction, do impressive things. But I can’t cope with sodding Teams.

How to ADHD did a video about tips that don't work if you have ADHD and this was one!

I've actually found the opposite works quite well for me. I keep some easy and short but also recurring always need doing tasks on a get going list and I do them whenever I feel I should be doing something, and it works. I don't always get to "the" thing but I do something.

Bear in mind that the easiness of a task in this case is not only limited to how quick it is and how much effort it involves, those things are important, but it also has to have very few steps or have each step as a separate task on that list, and crucially it has to be emotionally neutral.

Anything that evokes an emotion like anxiety is automatically a frog. Your chocolate that you procrastinate on might have too many steps or require effort.

My go to tasks are the Dana K White daily jobs, just kind of evolved that way, or moving whatever laundry to whatever next step.

Anything that evokes an emotion like anxiety is automatically a frog. Your chocolate that you procrastinate on might have too many steps or require effort.

I think I also just get stuck sometimes. I am overwhelmed to the extent that I can’t do anything. Easy things. Hard things. Nice things. Horrible things.

But yes, multiple steps are an issue. I definitely find that people who are things as ‘easy’ underestimate the number of steps involved in things.

One of the things I do for a living is break things into steps and sequences. It’s very common that other people do aggregate sequences of steps and then are then almost unwilling to unpick that and examine all the steps they actually go through. Or to accept that some people might have a problem with one or more of
those steps they’re refusing to acknowledge.

For example: log in to the system, might actually involve some variation on: identify the system you need to use, open it on your laptop/navigate to the website, remember your username, input that username (without typos or messing up the caps lock), remember your password (or navigate through a password manager to find it or even navigate through the password retrieval process), input that correctly (often without being able to see what you’re typing), ensure your phone number is correct on the two-step verification screen that comes up, press to have the system send you a text message, find your mobile phone (which must have charge in the battery), wait up to 15 minutes, realise it’s not sent the bloody code, figure out how to go back and have it resend a code, repeat, finally get the sodding code, input and submit the code.

Lots of little steps - and additional equipment, processes, tools - all of which might prove problematic in some way. But convincing people that log in is not necessarily that straightforward (and might well prove a barrier than means the task is abandoned or not started)

My hyper-awareness of how many steps are involved in things can be really helpful at work sometimes. But… also means that I might not submit expenses ever because I can’t face logging in to the system.

In case you are wondering, I AM currently waiting for Google to send me a bloody verification code so I can log in to this stupid new second email account I’ve been allocated. And it hasn’t turned up. Because they always seem to take at least two attempts. 😩

And I did have to find my bloody phone. Because (Mr Onyttig, listen up), I do not always have it about my person. I don’t have pockets in today’s outfit (the one I managed to scrabble together from the disaster that is laundry in my house) so I put it down somewhere. And didn’t remember where. And yes. The battery is low, now you’ve asked. So now I need to locate my charger. 😩

I’m very tempted to take an early lunch and give up on accessing the email account entirely for today.

I feel you so much, onytigg. Currently fuming at a cashless society thread that's current. Yup, setting up multiple apps on your phone so you can pay for stuff and then multiple apps to check your balances and THEN various apps to cross reference them is SO much easier than using cash from your purse, and obviously everyone who struggles with that is an incapable dinosaur....🙄

Every time one of the kid's schools or activities demands that I install another fucking app to pay, book, or check progress of something or other (and it's always a different app) I start to get that panicky feeling....It's an awful amount of labour that's devolving to us.

Personally. I hate cash. You have to get it out. And then I lose it. And change…

And I perpetually lose my debit card. So I’d like to pay for literally everything with Apple Pay.

Especially since trying to use the debit card details stored in my phone requires confirming it in my bank app these days.

I certainly don’t want a proliferation of payment apps. Or apps in general. And all those log in details.

I certainly don’t want to have to keep checking the spending is right. Because I won’t

But I can totally see that some people will prefer cash for various reasons. Just not me. Which does make it hard. One system rarely works for everyone and, as you say, so often it’s you that’s got to make yourself convenient to the people you’re paying.

It's not for everyone, and I don't want to be suggesting another app, but after I had to take out a loan to pay off a credit card and I was drowning in debt (hello impulsive spending), I opened a Monzo account.

My main account I still have to get my salary paid into, I also pay rent and untitles from there and that's it. I transferred over all direct debits to the Monzo account (it took time but I was hyper-fixated on it) and once my most important bills come out of my main account I transfer the rest over to it.

You can set budgets and it shows you where you're spending and it's helped me be more aware.

For anyone who was referred for assessment through their GP how long did this take, and did they say they would do it at the appointment?

I had my appointment 2 weeks ago and the GP said he would have to discuss the referral with a medical team. I called back and the receptionist said to call back in 3 weeks. So I don't know if I will be referred or not? Is that normal?

@Ultrasoundwoes - go back to them stating that under "the right to choose" you want to be referred to Psychiatry U.K. for your assessment process.

Email or write if possible

adhduk.co.uk/right-to-choose/

psychiatry-uk.com/right-to-choose/nhs-right-to-choose-logo-1/

Yep I feel you, literally cannot work unless a pressing deadline (I try and compensate by setting catch up meetings with boss), that’s a big one for me. Losing focus - yep, I’ve practiced some useful meditation techniques. Discursive meditation techniques as you can meditate whilst your mind is moving, just training it to be a little more under control. Always feel I’m failing and everyone hates me.

so unorganised (DH does this for me- appointments in diary) can your DH sort the tests for a few weeks time then you check calendar to see if time suits). Get people to help with the stuff you can’t do.

schedule your day with mini breaks get up, walk in circles. Dance (prob not mid office - get some dopamine fix)

yep constantly need to eat for the stimulation - chewing gum works. But I leave it in food cupboards. Learn that feeling in hungry is often anxiety over all the shit you think you should be doing, can’t get done, think everyone is judging you for. Hum (stimulates the vagus nerve)

headphones constantly on

theres ways to help as well as meds.

yoga, exercise body awareness exercises.

appreciate the good things about adhd- on balance I’ve come to love my weird little mind!

I find myself thinking back to my childhood, how all the markers were there but nobody knew any better then. I'm glad I know what it is now, but I'm honestly so bitter for having this for so long and struggling so badly.

I recognise reactions, feelings, and my own impulses now, and work hard to make sure I don't do impulsive things as much, but sometimes I scream at myself for being this way. I feel broken and defective, as if I'm weaker than normal people. It's not fair.

You are definitely not weaker, you are probably a hell of a lot stronger to have got so far in a world which is not set up to be kind to people with ADHD, but that is not you fault.

I started to look back to my childhood and remember my mother being called into the school by my very young, straight out of teacher training reception teacher.

My mother took my gf (my dad wasn’t around and his English wasn’t that great anyway)
I remember them returning and being shouted at for the rest of the evening and every single day for ages and having to change my behaviour for little things I did. Which looking back were things that would now be signs of ADHD and/or autism.
I never got to find out what was discussed
and now I am wondering did my first teacher pick up that I might have ADHD but my family ignored her and I have spent my whole life struggling

setting up multiple apps on your phone so you can pay for stuff and then multiple apps to check your balances and THEN various apps to cross reference them is SO much easier than using cash from your purse

Why would you need multiple apps

i just use my debit or credit card
No apps needed

I don’t carry cash as I would just lose it

Why do you always start your first post with such bad punctuation? Loads of random “.” everywhere but then when you reply you type normally again?

Silentsalamander

Look at the thread subject and work it out yourself

Thank you so much for this thread, @WhoHasMovedMyBrain ❤

Today I am following MrsTerryPratchett's lead and thinking about the positives.

Because of hyperfocusing, I have learnt loads about lots of different things, and as I grow older I can see how they are linked.

I'm ace at pattern spotting and noticing where things start to go wrong, and changing plans quickly to ensure that they don't.

I'm really good at planning things and running through scenarios in my head, and adjusting the plans as I see flaws and problems.

I can work on many different strands at the same time. I am flexible and cope well with fast-changing situations.

I drink a LOT of coffee.

I was on ritalin as a kid (helped massively) but have managed without for almost 20 years. Exercise and routine do it for me.

However, I've booked an appt to discuss trying meds again. I'm just hoping the side effects don't outweigh the benefits as I get by ok atm. Main thing that put me off was worrying about whether the DVLA would review my license but apparently I only need to notify them if I feel it affects my driving.

These are all really helpful tips! I suspect I have ADHD but undiagnosed.

• as a child loved lining up toys, a voracious reader, tomboy. School was fine and I was a very high achiever.
• wheels came off at uni and got worse, the procrastination is crippling. I could stare at a wall rather than do what I need to do. Then the guilt at not getting anything done.
• focussed interests that became obsessive - (throughout my life has included: dogs, Harry Potter, emo music, the graduate job market, house prices, investments, skin care, child psychology).
• 8 years in a client facing high powered job. I masked very well but dreaded everyday. Left everything to the last minute. Timesheets a nightmare as I took ages to do anything but I was coping.
• Lockdown meant the office environment was taken away and procrastination was off the charts
• New job I love, but I still just procrastinate all day. Same with household stuff, avoiding changing the bedding, cleaning. Resonate a lot with whoever said they will just lie down half way through.
• Even things i want to do I’ll self-sabotage and procrastinate until I’m late and everything feels far too much effort. TV shows I want to watch don’t hold my attention.
• Stupid things like I want to have a pamper night and wash my hair, shave my legs, moisturise, I just play on my phone until it’s too late and I don’t do it. (before phones existed I’d have avoidance naps).

The guilt and procrastination is the worst, constantly feel like an imposter.

Ive found it’s better when I exercise, force myself to socialise, and have something to fidget with rather than pulling at my eyebrows. Read rather than play on my phone.

I don’t know whether to push for a diagnosis as apart from the guilt and procrastination my life is fine - I have a great job, I perform ok, my house is clean (I have a cleaner), I self care to a decent level.

The main problem is just the constant guilt and feeling like I should be doing better (linked into being a lazy perfectionist - very high standards but crippling struggle to achieve them).

This thread is helpful and I love the tips.

Thanks for your post. Timesheets are my worst nightmare anc always have been the source of so much stress!! What job have you moved to (considering a career change)

@OMG12 glad it’s not just me, I’d end up working 10 hour days and have about 5 hours on my timesheet..

Ive moved in house. In some ways harder as I wfh and I have to self motivate which I really struggle with, but I’m less stressed and no timesheets is honestly a dream.

Timesheets are a nightmare when you have adhd. They are a constant source of stress and guilt

Eww to timesheets!! I KNOW I have been working all day but why can I only think of four hours worth of work to post? I get emails almost weekly because I forget to fill them in.