Adult ADHD - anyone else fed up of the constant battle.and of constantly losing it?

[WhoHasMovedMyBrain]

EVery evening I think that the next day will.be different. That I'll do my work, work when I have to, that I won't stuff my face, that I won't be late, that I'll tick off at least one tiny little.thing on.my.to. do.list. and every day I fail. I'm winging life because I've got a very organised and hard working husband, a very supportive family who have always carried me and because I can sort of.work when I'm.in dire straits..just before a deadline comes crashing down. I'm.so.fed up of the constant stress,.the constant self loathing, constantly underperforming, constantly fighting a losing battle. I feel.as.if..im.wasting my life away.

My psychiatrist is happy to prescribe meds but before.that I need to.make an appointment with my gp to get some blood tests done and I just can't do it. I can't.make the appointment to.do.the blood tests. I mean how stupid can you get?

And now I'm so late to.pick up DC that I can't have a shower. Though I've been looking forward to.it all day.

I know.im.lucky and. I've got it better than most so.i hate complaining but I hate my brain..I don't care if it's ADHD or.if I'm.just lazy, crazy and stupid but i hate being this way.

Can anyone relate?

revenge bedtime procrastination ruins my life UNLESS I find an audiobook I really like and set a reminder for 9:45 with text literally describing for me how much I like the book and how nice it is to be in bed and how much nicer things will be in the morning if I start moving towards bed right this minute. Unfortunately I really hate brushing my teeth so if I’m not careful I will fuck around for hours to avoid doing them. The other thing I used avoid for hours this rendering myself a massive test all the next day was lunchboxes but now, praise sweet cycling Christ, they have school dinners and it makes a big difference!!!

My mum also doesn’t believe in it! Which is a real shame because she very clearly has it and is full of shame and self-castigation about all sorts, thinks it’s all her fault and she’s a substandard human being, when quite the opposite is true! I keep wanting to send her info or articles then and then remembering what she said when I (2 years ago ) broached the subject, and chickening out. I should just send one.....

Yes, people have a funny reaction women with ADHD. 'It can't be!' 'It has to be something else!' 'You're just depressed or have too much on your plate', etc.

@Figrolls14 what do you mean about the text reminder? Explain like I’m 5 please because it sounds like a good idea!

Not unreasonable, unless you are being unreasonably demanding of yourself.
You're doing a fantastic job.
Meds are only one thing. Be kind, be patient, be compassionate.
The system for treatment is focussed on medication- I don't want it- and little thought to support people to self manage like anxious or depressed people get support to...
And I work in the system. ADHD 2.0 look it up.

Ar young sucks! well you know the alarm clock on your phone - you can write a “name” for the alarm when you set it e.g. “get up”, “pick up kids” “leave work right now” etc. On my phone, whatever you have called the alarm comes up on your screen when it goes off. So I write myself a reasonably detailed and alluring pitch of why I should go to bed etc and it come up on the phone when the 9:45 alarm goes off.
its true it doesn’t always work but it’s better than nothing and having gone to bed between 12 and 2am for 3 years in revenge, plus kid night time wake-ups for the past 7, even a couple of nights a week has made so much difference.

If it helps you focus, then go for it!

I am better with task obligations. I agree.

@Figrolls14 thanks for that. I understand what you mean now. So really you’re appealing to tomorrow’s you. I’m definitely going to give that a go! If I can stay off my phone I think I’ll be onto a winner.

OP, congratulations! Don’t give up!! You’ve come so far! Good luck with the search💪

😁Good luck Adhdsucks!!!!! And lots of lovely sleep to you I hope

@Appalonia Genuine question: how do you know that you've not got ADHD?

I ask because I was diagnosed about 9 months ago and although I can pinpoint times throughout my life where it can be associated with adhd, there's other times when I wonder "HOW did i do that?".

I think lots of us feel the same.

looking back I think I managed lots of things because I had to. And it was total chaos at the time, but the perspective effect of time means it looks retrospectively like it was impressive. But it’s always flying by the seat of your pants stuff - and loads of wasted potential and opportunities.

Someone without ADHD would have made much more of their life and made much better decisions that I have.

I think there’s some element of people who are very clever and resourceful but also highly challenged. So what they do is mask brilliantly and quite well (sometimes remarkably well) but it is not as well as they’d have done if they’d had any reasonable executive function. And who are pretty traumatised from it all.

No one seems to care that much because those people (often women) are doing ok - or appear to be. The harm of managing to get by like this is mostly contained to them.

I’ve had a really frustrating day at work. I’m really capable if the stars align - but then I just find myself absolutely hamstrung by my inability to do basic admin or keep up with things. Honestly, since I returned after Christmas, I’ve been dealing with just not being able to find work that I did before Christmas (so there was all the panic and not being able to communicate the problem and now I have to redo it) and also an admin issue where I was waiting for an email that never arrived and of course I didn’t chase it up. I forgot about the whole thing entirely. it all just makes me shut down.

Because I'm lazy, unmotiva ted, constantly procrastinate, been called a slob, struggle to get out of bed, was called clueless and useless by my mum as a child, was called slow by a teacher. So I've always felt like there was something defective about me and that it was my own fault. I've literally only learnt about female ADHD recently because of MH. It was shocking to me learn that it might actually be a brain/ chemical defect rather than me just being an utter fuckup that can't get their act together.

I'm so tired.

Also, how do you get a diagnosis?

Yep I have about 20 boxes of books in my kitchen that I’ve been meaning to list for sale online for 10 years. Ten. Fucking. Years.

Sadly I am single (well technically I’m not but it’s a LDR and unlikely to ever be more than it is), and now at over 40 with no career, or pension, or savings, I am starting to brick it about how I will survive once I no longer get tax credits and then when I’m retirement age. Because I literally can’t get my shit together. I have a first class science degree but I’m fucking useless at everything.

That's the thing, I really don't think we are useles, work wise. We need to find our niche. It's finding it is the tricky bit.

I was in exactly the WRONG job for years, without realising it.

I had a friend do mine. I asked my mum but she has an awful memory (also suspect she has ADHD) so was no use. My friend knew me as an adult, for childhood I quoted school reports.

I have this constant wave of anxiety and guilt over me right now that nothing seems to shift.

i don’t have anyone in my life that knows me well.
Even dh who i have been with for40+ years has only lived under the same roof as me for a fraction of that time
He has always worked away.

I didn’t think I needed to have anyone

I could fill out the childhood bit as I think my ADHD was so bad that I spent my childhood (and adulthood) completely stuffing up and talking too much and suffering from acute foot in mouth disease and the punishments and the shouting on repeat about what I had done or not done are etched on my brain.

I never thought I was a badly behaved child but I got the cane almost daily

Even In primary school I remember sitting out side the HTs office. Always wIth boys. Never girls.
I spent my childhood staring out of the window in school wishing I was outside running across the playing fields.
I used to make excuses to go to the toilet so I could get up and walk.

It was when dd brought me a list of symptoms and I identified with them all and dd then asked did they apply when I was a child and I said yes. As I was reading the symptoms I remembered incidences that applied

Thank you Flora!

@dolor can you recommend a brand of the lions mane and black maca root supplements I could order please?

Joining this thread after an awful 1:1 with my line manager today.
I love aspects of my job but struggle so badly with prioritising, organisation and procrastination that I despair.
Im not diagnosed but looking into going private.

Im an older single parent to ASD child and working in a demanding job full time. I can barely keep on top of anything and no one seems to take ADHD seriously.
Even now I’m sitting reading this thread when I should be in bed.
Bloody menopause has exacerbated every ADHD symptom and I’m sick of feeling crap about myself.

Thanks to you all for sharing your experiences, it’s comforting to know I’m not alone!

Here are some links for you:

Nouri, Lion’s Mane 5:1 Mushroom Extract

Black Maca Root Capsules 5000mg

is that a symptom of adhd?