To think many parents are subsidised by their parents at Christmas?

[EveryoneIsIll]

As I get older, it seems a lot of friends are getting financial help with everything from school trips to clubs or tutors, through to holidays and days out (in some cases so the grandparents can have time with their grandkids but sometimes not). Christmas also - whether that’s buying the turkey, the big ticket gifts or whatever.

It’s not my experience so it can leave me wondering if this is most people’s experiences, only it’s just not spoken about?

Without sounding mean does it really matter though? There's something a bit bitter feeling about needing to point out specifically that another child can do x and y only because their other relatives pay for it.

A simple "everybody has different circumstances" should be sufficient surely?

I wouldn't look to explain why others do have things, I'd more focus on your own circumstances. "Sorry DC but we can't afford £1k on a trip for x reason but we can do y with you in the holidays". That sort of thing?

My parents are really good to us. They paid for us to go on holiday with them this year and for next summer and if we go out for meals they will always pay for us, despite our protests. They have also paid for things for our house such as getting some of the windows replaced. They live away so we don’t see them as much as I would like but when they do come up to stay they always bring treats for the children like clothes and presents. I never ask them for money and we do have lots of holidays and trips out without them paying but I recognise I do get a lot from them. I hopefully can treat them in the future now I’m earning more and not paying nursery fees.

The main thing to remember is yiu never know anything about others' finances, even if they tell you, it won't be the full story.

Everyone assumes that I live comfortably because DH had a good job and left me well provided for when he died, but actually I live entirely on my own salary (I have a much better job than most people assume) and have saved all the life cover to help DCs with house purchases idc.

Others appear much better off than they are because everything's on credit and some do have help etc etc

MiL does wind me up with "we've worked hard all our lives" when she gave up work when her DC were born and hasn't worked again in nearly 60 years.

My mum buys loads for my teens, including stocking presents, to help me out and because she loves doing it. Always bought their winter coats (nice M and S ones), quite often shoes. My MIL is super-generous with money as well. I don't feel bad about it, I don't feel anything about it, it would be a bit churlish not to accept their gifts and money for the children when it's their pleasure in life to give it. I also give my children more or less what they want all the time as well, within reason. We discuss 'value for money' though and are all bargain hunters, so it's not about being very wealthy, more an attitude of what's mine is yours.

Not my experience at all. We've never had or asked for any financial help from either set of parents

DS and his partner are a lance corporal and a police constable. Useful jobs, but never going to be overpaid. I want good people to be able to be police officers and keep the peace in Kosovo and we have money so we are happy to subsidize. I wish they were better paid by the state but thats not going to happen. I know full well that both work harder than I do for my much bigger salary.

Indirectly subsidised in kids early years by having half the childcare done by GP.

GP's usually give the kids money for their birthday or Christmas but this year bought a laptop for DD. I did suggest this to my dad after my sisters said they thought it was something he would like to do. I do think he was very happy that he'd bought her a gift that was very useful if his eyes and very exciting in hers. That was from him rather the than him giving it to us but it's still a benefit to us. GP's have offered to pay for music lessons for DC which I cannot afford right now but for some reason I feel uncomfortable with it.

Someone earlier hit it on the nail - we don't get much value in the way of Birthday / Xmas gifts - nor do our children.... but I do get a monthly financial 'gift' out of my parents income - to make our lives easier. We have been made aware that it can stop at any time.

We never ask for anything. In the past they have come on holiday with us and although I organise it all and pay for everyone, I know 99% that I will be asked how much I have spent and find the money transferred into my account or at least their part of the cost in the following days. By inviting them away, it gives them a break away from the confines of their house, they see the grandchildren, and the reassurance that people are around them to help should something happen.

Ocassionally if I buy a big ticket item e.g. our car needed replaced, we were given a conribution towards it.

Having said all that, we provide Christmas lunch and would never consider asking for a contribution towards it, happily get shopping if asked without asking for the money back - though it is normally given in one way or another and they are welcome to come here whenever they want. As they get older, they are less wanting to venture far and therefore spending less money themselves (excluding the heating situation currently!).

Do my friends know - absolutely not! I would see it as bragging I think. They have never asked so I have never said.

My SIL's in-laws paid for her Cotswolds house and pay the fees for all 5 grandchildren's private education.
SIL is also the type to sneer at people who are struggling financially.

My parents are the same. They've given us deposits, money for cars etc. partly so that they see us enjoy it and also with the aim of reducing inheritance tax. My husband has a bit of a problem with it though (the feeling of being subsidised) so they now transfer money directly to our teenagers savings accounts.

My mother has always been terrible with money and completely reliant on her parents, my grandparents financially, even now she's in her 50's and my Grandma in her 80's (grandpa is sadly no longer with us). My mothers never had to worry about putting food in the table or buying clothes for herself or us as kid because they always bailed her out, if her car went wrong my grandparents helped her out, even now all my mothers kids are grown up!

I have no issue with parents helping their kids out, but I feel my mother has never lived in the real world and took advantage of my grandparents generosity. They are not rich but worked hard and saved their whole working lives.

I am very appreciative of my grandparents, looking back if it wasn't for them I would have gone without a lot as a child! My mother was terrible with money, it wasn't so much that she didn't have any more so she couldn't manage it.. Even when she married my stepdad when I was small nothing ever changed. My stepdad had a house that he sold to move into my mothers rented (council) home and rather than saving some of it they splurged it on lavish holidays and meals out which they always had money for, but when the car went wrong it was up to my grandparents.

it is nothing something I have ever experienced with my mother and my bio dad has never been around. As above my mother is terrible with money nor would I expect help. I moved out at 19 and have always been independent. However, Mil does give DH money for odd things, nothing big but she likes to do it as her other children will get inheritance one day but dh wont (it's his stepdads house) and she will treat us to lunch a couple times a year!

@AttilaTheUOkHun my SIL (not from UK but living here now) sneers at people on benefits and talks about the British needing to change this system. Her parents and in laws bought them a home outright when she was 23 and have been putting several hundred pounds a month into her account a month for several years now.

None of your business?

Nope my parents nor DP's parent (single mum) give us cash for DD bar a birthday/christmas present. Might be different if we were really struggling for money (e.g. my DF is pretty comfortable).

Since moving away from London to near DP's mum she HAS been extremely generous with her time though and picks up DD from school every day; looking after her until 6PM ish when one of us finishes work. That in itself is worth a huge amount (going by the nursery rates we used to pay in London). We are "repaying" her to some extent as she'll be moving into our annexe soon which she's very excited about. Families help each other when they can, but that's not necessarily monetary.

Yes this is my experience as a person in my 60’s. Every single one of my friends support their adult children all year around by several thousand pounds.
None of us are wealthy, we come from working class backgrounds, didn’t go to university and worked in average pay jobs. However once our mortgages were paid off any spare money went to fund our children’s university, cars, rent and house purchases.

Not sure if I misunderstood the part about so they get to see the kids etc. surely people don't withhold contact from grandparents if they don't help financially??
I read this more as: my parents will fund, for example, rental of a holiday home big enough for all their children and grandchildren, and a big food shop once there (with more contributions from children as we get older and more financially stable), so they can enjoy a family holiday with us all that we’d never each be able to afford alone. If we want our parents to join us on our own holiday, they’d also pay their own air fare and make a contribution to the holiday home and outgoings even though we’re benefiting massively from “Go and play with Granny”. We couldn’t afford to just invite them and pay for them.

Same, I suppose, as offering to pay for train/bus tickets home from uni to ensure we could afford to come back and see them.

Err, no!

My ds goes to an independent but he's an only child with an academic scholarship, and I spend every penny on covering my half of the fees plus uniform. My choice and I don't begrudge him a penny of it.

The only financial transactions I had with my dm were, I used to pay her gas bill when she was still with us. My df made Scrooge look philanthropic 😁

My parents didn’t help me at all
they refused to allow/pay for me to go to college,drive or at one point allow me to stay with them-I was homeless on the streets

i ended up a single mum who was forced to use food banks-while they sat in a fancy restaurant stuffing their faces and I had to use charities while they sat back and sneered at me for being a ’charity case’
they refused to help with childcare,buy anything other than cheap broken toys they got at car boots for the kids,at birthdays and christmases etc
we got a council house and they didn’t lift a finger to help me furnish it

thats fine-I chose to have children and it’s their money

however,my brothers all had their college education paid for-ditto driving lessons,cars,tax,insurance,petrol,zero rent when they lived there,clothes,top end presents etc
all got council flats and my parents bought them everything they needed and helped with bills-if they need or want money,it’s there (one brother didn’t like the brand new sofa they bought him,so they binned it and bought him other)

all have had lavish weddings paid for and both parents have got them jobs

one brother has a kid and they shower him with childcare,presents and clothes etc

we where not allowed to go to theirs for Christmas as ‘I’m not proper family’ (but my sister-in-laws all are)

my lovely in-laws lost their dd to battens disease in 2000,so my dp is an only child now
They have bought us a house,(we pay a daft small amount of rent) a car,given us 5k (twice so 10k in total) and they really helped my dp and his ex wife with the kids-with money,support,childcare etc

they lavish us with lovely,well thought of presents at birthdays and christmases-and they won’t take a penny for things like Xmas lunch-I bake loads of goodies to take with us to ‘give back’

im nc with my family-not because of money-but they sneer at the fact I’ve not done/got more than them in life (I’ve never married nor learnt to drive etc) but what I do have,I’ve worked damn hard for

i fully intend to help out if I’m lucky enough to have grandchildren

My children's grandparents are not around, passed away. I help out my children financially as much as I can. My eldest daughter has bought her first property as a single person and would not have been able to secure a mortgage without financial help.

Nope. it's the other way round for me.

Your parents paid half so your children could have big gifts? That is exactly what the OP is describing, a dictionary definition of parents subsidising Christmas.

My parents didn't have a lot but my in laws have always been incredibly generous. DH came home from a visit there yesterday with a cheque for £200 towards the Christmas food.

They had an inheritance about ten years ago and paid off our mortgage. A couple of years later we extended our house and they insisted on paying off that loan as well. They helped us out enormously with childcare when our DDs were small, and they regularly treat them now to clothes/takeaways etc.

They're in their 80s now and say that it gives them pleasure to help us out, and it'll only go to the tax man when they're gone.

We will do the same with our DDs if we are in a position to do so.

Nah. My dad's tighter than a gnats arse. We get the square root of nothing.

Not for me personally, I’ve never received a penny from my parents, DHs family is different, I know they have helped DH & his siblings in the past and if we needed help they would give it.

In my own socioeconomic circles the answer would be no, help would be more along the lines of giving a lift, helping move or decorate, maybe a bit of babysitting, but not significant financial help, maybe a tenner here and there to pay for the leccy.

My PIL always host Christmas lunch and pay for the majority of food/wine. We usually bring the cheese and chocolates. I suspect their financial contribution far outweighs ours.

They have also funded some sporting activities for their grandchildren in the past e.g golf lessons.

My parents aren’t as affluent and buy presents for Christmas and birthdays but no more than that.