To think many parents are subsidised by their parents at Christmas?

[EveryoneIsIll]

As I get older, it seems a lot of friends are getting financial help with everything from school trips to clubs or tutors, through to holidays and days out (in some cases so the grandparents can have time with their grandkids but sometimes not). Christmas also - whether that’s buying the turkey, the big ticket gifts or whatever.

It’s not my experience so it can leave me wondering if this is most people’s experiences, only it’s just not spoken about?

We don’t get help day to day but for Christmas we do all share the cost together of buying Turkey, wine etc. I wouldn’t say we are subsidied but we can’t afford to host and pay for everything and no one expects the host to do that in our family.

Yeah, we help our adult children, and adult grandchildren out. My parents helped me out, years ago.

My DD hosts Christmas, but we pay for all the food, alcohol, table decorations, crackers etc.

Other than that that we pay for large holiday lodges, and the join us. We helped our GCs with Uni costs and their first cars.

We paid off the mortgages for both the kids when I received a large inheritance - I'm happy that they're mortgage free now, and it seemed silly waiting until I'm gone to help them.

Its great that we can help them. Not everyone is fortunate enough to be able to.

Not in our family, neither my grandparents helping my parents or my parents helping me.

my parents absolutely would help if I asked for help to cover Xmas costs, but I wouldn’t ask and luckily haven’t ever needed to.

we don’t buy excessively for Xmas though or have a large family to buy for.

Well, well, well, it's the other way round. But we manage to send kids to all extracurricular. When I started of my dad loaned me money for my first car so I could work though, that was hard earned and saved money.

We don't splurge on Christmas.

No! My mum doesn’t help us out at all (although her parents were very generous to her when I was little and she could definitely afford to) It’s fine though. That’s her prerogative. If anything I usually pay for her if we’re going out for lunch or something! My in-laws similarly are wealthy but don’t give us a penny. Again. That’s their prerogative. None of my close friends get any help from their parents- or none that they admit to, but to be honest most have decent family incomes. I do know a couple of families where the grandparents pay for private school for the grandchildren though.

Wow never really considered this could be a widespread situation really. I’m a SAHM and we’re comfortable with no help - very fortunate I know but I know many others in the same situation and wonder how they can’t afford it/would need family help as their household income would be the same as ours or more. Weird! I wonder if people are judging us thinking we must have family help. We have no family help, practical or financial. Hard not to be a bit bitter really!

i was always helped out as an adult by my parents when they were alive. for example, when i had a new kitchen, they bought the fridge, new pram when baby was born, school shoes for children each September, a couple of hundred pounds at Christmas, fifty pounds to by the DCs eggs at Easter etl, etc etc etc. They were very generous , not just with their money but with their time and love. I am working as hard as I can now to get a pension so that in time I will be able to financially help out my own DCS as they did

I've noticed this too. I know someone who is very judgemental about people who live in the 'rough' part of our town and don't give their children the sort of experiences she can afford for her family. She often makes comments about how people should work harder/go back to education/not have little luxuries to be able to pay for what she considers an appropriate lifestyle. And posts on facebook etc about how hard she works and how much she deserves her expensive holidays etc. I happen to know her PIL pretty well and in fact her lovely house in a nice area was paid for by them (from an inheritance), they pay for private school/activities/tuition/sports/school trips etc and also subsidise the luxury holidays that the extended family go on.

However, I work with children and am becoming aware that more and more families are needing to have help from grandparents to afford any extras (and sometimes the basics). It's obvious here that quite a few grandparents are in the fortunate position of having spare case whilst parents of young children were only just able to afford their mortgages and bills etc before the cost of living crisis and are now really struggling

Not my experience or anyone I’m aware of. We were very lucky to get help with university costs and help towards house deposits, I wouldn’t dream of asking my parents to subsidise my general lifestyle and they wouldn’t offer.

Lots of my cousins are being supported partly by their parents , I have at least 2 in their 40s whose parents still help often a few times a year with stuff as rent and kids clothes , and if the kids want something expensive as ipad they still get the grandparents to pay for them .
I can’t quite grasp this as the 2 times in my life I had to ask my mum and dad for money I felt extremely guilty and it was only a few hundred pounds for masses of money .
My parents normally give £100 to £150 a child for Christmas and unless they want something specific I keep it safe so they have spending money during the summer holidays when we go abroad .
I have a few friends who always go for their parents if their children have big expenses are school trips and expensive hobbies .
Each to their own I guess , I couldn’t possibly do this as I have the mentality of “ my life , my children my responsibility “ .

Nope, you're wrong op. My dc have had £0 support, and that goes for physical/practical too.

Very much depends on the wealth/generosity of the parents.

We certainly didn't get any help (quite the opposite on both sides - the better off side expecting the most from us!) but I know friends/acquaintances whose parents always give them a good chunk of money at Christmas/still host most family events/pay for all family meals out/pay for holidays/pay for school fees (one from a 'spare' pension pot they don't need..).

I've almost got three sets of people I know (hometown/uni friends & colleagues/current town) and the 'norm' is very different in each group.

We don’t get any support, be it financial or practical. Lots of my friends do, though.

My parents spend much more than I do on gifts for all of us, but the presents are very much from them. DC do well at Christmas, but parents are buying things for them, not helping me iyswin, albeit that the overall effect is the same.

Other than that, we have a lot of practical support, but nothing financial. That said, there is a lot of security in knowing parents would/could help in a real financial crisis. I'd hate to have to ask, but I could if I had to and I think that makes a difference to every aspect of life.

I don't know of anyone for whom this is the case.

We did get some money towards our deposit 20 years ago but not regular money. My parents obviously buy the kids presents at bday / Christmas but not because we don't if that makes sense?

We were quite young and skint when we had our eldest and sometimes if we visited my parents they might buy us a treat or something that we wouldn't otherwise afford.

One of my friends though has their whole lives (her, husband, 3 kids) funded by her parents. She's an only child and I think they're happy to do it but they live a lavish lifestyle and have a massive house etc all funded by the parents. It's never acknowledged in their numerous social media posts though and I just find it cringey tbh.

We don't have family nearby so maybe that's a factor too? Im just not used to having help really and I'm ok with that. (I am close to my mum but obviously distance means we don't see her often)

I live in london and have some friends whose parents pay school fees and also help with cost of out of school clubs. I wouldn’t say it’s the norm though.

I have so many questions about this post! Why hard not to be bitter if you’re comfortable and don’t need the help? I can see being bitter if you were struggling and didn’t get help that could be forthcoming, but it sounds like you do OK?

Why assume people are judging? And why wonder how others can’t afford to be single income families - surely there are way too many variables, like income, debt, outgoings (particularly mortgage/rent) to assume anyone else’s financial position? So much depends on property as an expense. But also whether people have decent pensions or don’t and are trying to make up for that, what level of student loan, one car or two, etc.

I think it is quite common amongst those who can, whose adult children need it.

Gosh no, both sets of grandparents are poor as church mice so it’s often us buying them treats rather than the other way round. Some of my friends have had help buying houses or early inheritances, sadly that will never be the case for us.

No but they wouldn’t be in a position to, they’ve helped a sibling who really needed help and there really isn’t anything left. Tbf though we are pretty lucky and comfortable so wouldn’t need anything. I would definitely help DD out though if she needed it.

I suppose we probably fall into that category. We bought our first place ar 25 but didn't have help on a deposit, we did that ourselves. My dad has helped a lot with buying my first few cars. We are having a baby and grandparents on botb sides have bought the major expenses. Travel systems, bedside crib, cot. They're helping with childcare a few days a week. Weve borrowed some money to do some things to the house but are releasing equity when remortgaging to pay back. We are fortunate they have money, little to no mortgage and final salary pensions

I think people might think this about us tbh but it's because we made a lot of money on a property in our mid 20s which means our house now has a minuscule mortgage and also dh invested money which is now maturing when our kids are teenagers. Some luck and some forward planning I guess 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Nope not here either.

DPs and DGPs buy the children gifts at birthdays/Xmas/odd time throughout the year but they are not subsidising us or helping out. This is what they choose to spend each year and nothing is asked for or bought because we can't afford it. They also have contributed to school trips but again, through choice and not because we've asked, our kids would have gone either way. Clubs etc and day to day things, If we can't afford our children don't get.

Not sure if I misunderstood the part about so they get to see the kids etc. surely people don't withhold contact from grandparents if they don't help financially??