To think many parents are subsidised by their parents at Christmas?

[EveryoneIsIll]

As I get older, it seems a lot of friends are getting financial help with everything from school trips to clubs or tutors, through to holidays and days out (in some cases so the grandparents can have time with their grandkids but sometimes not). Christmas also - whether that’s buying the turkey, the big ticket gifts or whatever.

It’s not my experience so it can leave me wondering if this is most people’s experiences, only it’s just not spoken about?

Nope, other way around here. I'm constantly subsidising my parents and I doubt I'm the only one.

Quite a few of the sahms I know their parents paid for private health care for the whole family, house deposit, holidays etc and yet they would be judgy about other mums having to work.

@allfurcoatnoknickers I love your username. Do you just get on with it or does it feel unfair?

My parents certainly did that... including buying houses for my siblings so their grandchildren would have a nice home to grow up in.

@SweetSakura Wow!

No. Mum always cooked Christmas lunch* for me and DD until she (mum), was no longer able to do it. She would always by stuff for the meal when I took over "dinner duty" but I would cook it, much to her sorrow.

*Disclaimer...it's my birthday that day and mum always felt it was unfair that I should spend my birthday cooking a huge meal for her and dad.

I think it's pretty normal for parents to help their adult children however they feel able to, be that financial or practical help.

Some parents are in a better position than others to do this of course, but also some parents are a lot more generous natured than others.

I only know one family who gets financial help from grandparents as you describe, and I'm pretty sure that's because the wife is a sahm to a disabled child.

Not my experience for Christmas. However I have had some help financially from parents such as 20k deposit towards a house, wedding paid for and they pay for one of the children if we go on holiday together. I treat them as I can with meals out etc.
DH’s parents are the ones who helped with house deposit. They inherited a lot from parents quite young so we’re mortgage free young, fil retired at 55 with an annual pension higher than my top band 5 nurse pay, he probably still gets more than I earn now as a part time (4 day) top band 6.
i think many of that generation are better off than working families.

Both parents retired on public sector middle management pensions and mortgage free
They did help a bit around 11 years ago however it was a loan

I don't get help other than she cooks birthday teas and used to have us at Christmas. Never got childcare except for emergencies (even when I had a massive breakdown)

I am divorced and got no help with buying ex out although a small advance on ' ineritance' was offered when it looked like things might fall through

Family holiday few years ago I paid for all my share with zero subsidy/support

My Christmas gifts tend to be a lot of miniatures she's given when buying her own skincare etc

I had quite a bit of help when my dc were younger. I try now to stand on my own two feet, but I know my parents have helped / will help all their dgc with driving lessons / first car when the time comes.
I had a big birthday recently, so I paid for a short break with my young adult ds’s plus ds1’s gf. Ds1 then paid for the meal on my birthday. So it’s swings and roundabouts and not really about Christmas for us.

We get loans that’s all. So it’s helpful as zero interest but it’s always for bloody car repairs or dentist bills basically. No fancy holidays or house deposits. They do provide all of Christmas dinner the years they stay home for Christmas.

Yeah not just at Christmas but in general. Usually the people who gloat the loudest about their lifestyle and how 'hard they've worked for it' are those who have had massive amounts of help from mummy and daddy.

We financially support my mum, she is mortgaged until she’s 70 so we help her to overpay so that she hopefully doesn’t end up working until then. I don’t know anyone who is bankrolled by their parents (that I know of), but many get lots of childcare help which obviously makes a big difference.

We don't currently get money from parents but have in the past (contrib to wedding, house deposit) and they have offered at various points. This is largely because both sets of parents are in a wealthy generation, with large pensions, savings, mortgage free. Despite "good jobs" the change in economic circumstances mean DH and I are not as financially well off as they were on the same timeline. I can absolutely see in future that if I said "gosh the school trip is far too expensive" that they would be tempted to volunteer to pay.

@EveryoneIsIll I get on with it in small ways - eg. I buy Christmas presents from them to DS and DH every year. I stopped subsidising bigger things years ago because no matter what DH and I paid for, it was never good enough.

My parents simply cannot comprehend other people‘s parents helping them out with their own children. I think it’s a case of in our household my mother was an orphan by the time she was 21 and my dad‘s parents needed him to bail them out so they can’t get their head round the idea that this could possibly be reversed.

I do feel so sorry for my kids because they’ve been absolutely dealt a shit hand in life compared to everybody else apparently. I’ve had no financial support with childcare. I’ve had no physical support with childcare and now not even so much is a packet of crackers at Christmas. It’s all a bit depressing.

Me neither.

It's just life isn't it ... I guess the GPs who subsidise are on average higher earners who therefore also paid more into the system and public services etc. over the years.

I hope to help out my children and grandchildren as much as I can, if I am living and able, and so that I can be there to enjoy watching rather than keeping it all in the bank until I die (which those in my family seem to do). But then this is probably out of worry for care costs at the end of life. And those who spend without saving all their life have this taken care of for free...

I tell my children that everything is relative. Some people have much more, and others have much less, many barely have the money to eat or water to drink, or the opportunity to go to school.

Nothing is fair, from the way we look, how intelligent we are, the family we are born into ...

Neither of us ever got financial help from parents but we helped our parents.

We help our adult DC on a regular basis, not because they ask but because we like to.

I feel incredibly guilty with how much my parents give me and my family in spite of the fact they can afford to. I was helped with tuition fees at university, bought my first (admittedly very old) car, and have had a lot of help recently with money each month for food and general living since I had my son in 2018. I also had a head injury and post concussion syndrome before being injured by psychotropic meds too, and I now have a permanent neurological involuntary movement disorder which is quite difficult to live with.

But I don't like to keep taking in spite of my parents' incredible generosity and kindness, as I feel indebted to them regardless of the fact they can afford it. I want to work and I'm desperate to feel normal again and have a good career (I worked in publishing for a decade), but my brain really feels so odd that I get scared I might get early onset dementia one day 🥺😳💔

I'm extremely fortunate to have such lovely, loving and wonderful kind parents. They help with so much for my DC too including my DD's recent private school uniform and term fees, which she really will benefit from. I just feel sad that I might need to take any job going that I don't feel capable of, and I don't want to be that financially reliant on others. I know I'm extremely lucky to have such a safety net though.

we’ve never been subsidised for Christmas by either set of parents. However if we’re hosting then parents often contribute by bringing a couple of dishes or the wine. However I do the same when going to their house for Christmas and probably wouldn’t describe it as subsidising.

My mum brings a pork pie... 🤷🏼‍♀️🤣

@EveryoneIsIll I really got lucky with my parents that have been fantastic support the are far from wealthy but have benefited from good choices in life. The only caveat I have been given by them is when the time comes I pass forward what I can to my children to give them as much knowledge, support and opportunity that I can.
Where I am parents helping out adult children isn't unusual, even those children that are doing very well for themselves with expensive family holidays etc. General thinking is you can have enough money the extra should used for having fun and making memories it doesn't spark any joy sitting in a bank.

We don’t have any help from parents, but that’s through choice. Me and my siblings were given £5k each in early 20s to use towards a house deposit from our parents. My parents would be very eager to give more financial assistance but I wouldn’t accept it as we would be constantly reminded of it after, it’s never done just to be nice but to buy control basically. My brother still hides purchases and lies about costs to my mother and he’s in his lates 20s, hasn’t lived at home for years and earns double what she does.

My in-laws wouldn’t be able to afford to anyway, but MIL always buys all of her grandkids a winter coat which is really nice of her.