To think many parents are subsidised by their parents at Christmas?

[EveryoneIsIll]

As I get older, it seems a lot of friends are getting financial help with everything from school trips to clubs or tutors, through to holidays and days out (in some cases so the grandparents can have time with their grandkids but sometimes not). Christmas also - whether that’s buying the turkey, the big ticket gifts or whatever.

It’s not my experience so it can leave me wondering if this is most people’s experiences, only it’s just not spoken about?

My mum is really generous. She will always buy great presents, checking in advance what I want - for example she bought a children's wardrobe one year for our LO.

She often takes us all out to a nice restaurant. She is treating us to a really nice place Christmas week after the panto in the city centre - I paid for all those tickets which were pretty pricey but there are three of us and only one of her so she's definitely getting the raw deal.

She doesn't provide regular free childcare and I wouldn't dream of asking but she will do an overnight every few months to give us a chance for a break.

She's hosting Christmas dinner this year, I will take a few dishes along but it wouldn't be the done thing to offer money to pay for the food. I host in mine every second year. I'm so relieved to be getting spoiled this year as work and life has been full on and I'm really looking forward to simply arriving as guests.

For her birthday last year, me and the other siblings took her on an upmarket mini break no expense spared and had all her siblings out too for dinner. So we try to express our gratitude but we don't match the financial contributions.

I think (certainly hope) she knows how much we appreciate her.

I'd distinguish being transparent from being actively misleading. It would be weird as fuck if a mate you chat to at school pick up was like full disclosure, my PILs gave us 15k for our deposit in 2014 and they're paying for the cottage when we all go away at Easter. But people giving themselves airs over things they've been given or wouldn't have without assistance is twat behaviour.

I think it’s a bit sad that those who can afford to support their children have the attitude of “I paid my own way, so they will have to as well”. It’s their money to do what they wish with and I wouldn’t suggest otherwise.
However, I just don’t understand why, if you can afford it, would you not try to break that cycle of struggle that is passed on to each generation. Having support financially or through giving some of your time doesn’t suddenly make the recipient slovenly or profligate.

My parents can afford to help me and my brothers but we don’t want their money, we want them to enjoy their retirement, travel, eat out, treat themselves, they both worked hard and if they spend it all good luck to them. If we inherit anything we each have to donate a pre arranged sum each to charity.

That’s fine, that’s your choice to accept or decline.
I did emphasise that if parents can afford it but maybe it wasn’t clear that I meant it would mean life’s pleasures and future care was already factored in. Many can help family (or choose not to) and afford holidays, meals out, theatre trips etc.
Some derive pleasure from being able to help their children and grandchildren and see this as the success of their hard work -their goal is to see theory children established and comfortable before they pass. Certainly, that’s how my parents feel and I imagine how we will be, too. Not saying my way is more correct than another but I do find it hard to get my head around the other ways of thinking.

I am also inferring from your post that you and your siblings are quite comfortable already and not struggling and so that cycle may already be broken - I may be wrong

Absolutely agree!! Pretending (including to yourself) that you got everything through your own hard work is very galling.

but, for the most part, I wouldn’t be sharing how exactly I paid for everything with most people: simply because it isn’t any of their business

My DF gave me £10 for petrol when I was 17. I’m now 44 with 2DDs. But I get a certain satisfaction in knowing that I have made my life, such as it is, without his assistance and am beholden to no one.

Hmm, not really. If I really couldn't afford something then I know my parents would pay so that their grandchild wouldn't go without but no they don't really subsidise anything. Maybe once in a while I'll say, 'oh I want to get daughter so and so for the garden in summer' and my mum will say, 'well let me and your dad get her that'. But I wouldn't ask unless I couldn't afford the basics for her then obviously I would ask for help.

My mum does always get her her school shoes at the start of each school year and always buys he her winter coat but that's a tradition she started and maintains she likes to do.

For Xmas this year she asked what my daughter would like so I sent her the list my daughter wrote and she picked a few things off of it that she's going to get her.

I can afford a little but no a lot so I think my mum does these things in part to help me but also as she wants her granddaughter to have these things which I am truly grateful for.

My parents always had help from my grandparents for our Christmas presents and also lots of other things.

We live within our means, we’ve currently zero savings, DH salary is reduced due to industrial action as he works for Royal Mail, I work part time but have Parkinson’s disease so I don’t know how much longer I will be working for. My younger brother has a very good salary but at 50 is just starting again with a new mortgage after his divorce and my older brother has just split from his wife and the savings he had he has used to find somewhere to rent and to furnish it. So we get by and a windfall wouldn’t go amiss but we wouldn’t take anything from our parents. Their savings is for however long their retirement is and who knows whether they will need to pay for care, they’re mid 70s.
I have no problem with those that can afford to treat their children doing so as long as it’s not done in such a way that the child is expected to be eternally grateful and indebted to the parents.

I think those saying but we are doing fine income-wise, it doesn't matter if my parents don't pay/I have pride in funding myself- wealth, and the wealth transferred between generations, is a key way inequalities are reproduced, in other words how better off people have better off children and poorer people stay poor. Now, there are always some people who can earn high or moderate income and gain wealth all by themselves, and that's great. But for lots of people not having anyone to loan or gift them a house deposit means they are stuck in the rental trap (and the poverty for most of not being able to save for a deposit). Same for doing internships for free in wonderful London locations whilst living at home, getting a foot in the door where others won't.

Childcare is more complex as it's not clear that higher SES earning parents are always in a position to do this, although many I know are, as they have retired earlier (especially the baby boomers) and so are available, like my mum was, to do a couple of days a week childcare. I don't think I could have had my career I have now, and the income I get from it (moderate) without my mum being there when the kids were sick or I needed to travel internationally.

It's not a matter of family dynamics or personality traits like being independent- in general groups with higher wealth between the generations end up wealthy, there are exceptions to this, but wealth passing between generations (including upwards to parents if needs be) tends to make everyone in that group have a higher SES. Taking your children out of poverty is the single thing you can do to help them live longer and make their lives better; perhaps fewer people do that in the Uk because of the welfare state, in many countries, such as my husbands- family IS the welfare state, if you become disabled, widowed, lose your job you would starve if your family did not step in. Sharing wealth amongst families is not a weird thing at all.

My parents’ view is that they both have massive final salary defined benefit pensions and benefited from free university/cheap house prices/good investments and luck, and are sitting on a pile of money they can’t take with them, why not make their children’s and grandchildren’s lived easier?

Yes Stuntbubbles that’s exactly how DH and I feel. Rather our DSs and their DCs have easier lives now than the taxman takes it when we die.

I am one of those people, we are cooking this year, but my parents are buying the turkey, they'll probably bring a few bottles of wine too.

They've got my daughter a 'big ticket item' that we would have got, but we would have got a cheaper/lower quality one because it's all we can afford!

They also helped out with school uniform this year too, they got her shoes and coat, again, we could have got them, but they got more expensive, better quality ones.

They have much more disposable income than we do, and I am incredibly grateful to them, and will forever be! I don't take it for granted I know how lucky we are to have that support.

I wonder what happens when we are working til 70 and we can’t help our kids in same way today’s grandparents do?

I wonder what happens when we are working til 70 and we can’t help our kids in same way today’s grandparents do?

I'm 69 and will be working until the work dries up or I do and yes I help my dd because she is a single mother and needs help.

No, not at all apart from a small gift to the each of the children but even then I have to buy the gift up to a small value limit they give which means I am also finding the time to research and shop for a suitable present from them and then I wrap it up from them too.

Oh I should add that they give me a cheque which I have already told them I don't have time to go to the bank and cash (as it means driving, paying to park etc and not worth it for the size of cheque). So I don't cash the cheque but end up paying for their gifts to the children and wrapping them!

You can scan cheques into your account using your banking app

My DC are far more financially savvy than their dad and I were. We had them when we were early 20s, didn’t own our home at the time, had jobs rather than careers. We hoped for better for the DC, so prioritised living in an area with decent schools when they were growing up. There was little left for extras!

They got established, career, house etc before they had their children. They, and their partners are all planning to retire by 60. DH and I both continued working (part time) after retirement age. Its not the same in every family!

My parents are very generous and help us in all sorts of financial ways all year round. It doesn't really affect anyone else though does it? They still give generously to charities etc.

They have a lot more money than we'll ever have due to my husband's health or I'm sure he would have earned a lot more than he does.

My parents help out in offering to buy more expensive items for the children such as shoes and winter coats. They also take us on a holiday or long weekend once a year. Our children only have one set of grandparents so I think they feel responsible for doing the best they can and they like to be very involved

My in laws lent us money for a house deposit as they were shocked by the cost of renting. We paid it all back of course and this was an incredible help. My in laws also helped financially with the cost of two weeks at a summer holiday club, but only when my DH pointed out that they had previously bragged about paying for their other grandchildren to attend. Other than those things, we don’t receive any subsidies. However the help that we did receive by way of a house deposit loan, was life changing.

Post office accepts cheques from many banks too if app won’t scan for some reason.

My parents are incredibly generous and will always give us a helping hand if we need it. They absolutely dote on their grandkids and love spoiling them around birthdays and Christmas.

My grandparents on my mums side were the exact same, though.

Neither generation earned the big bucks but they always were as generous as they could afford to be. Ie we got help with our house deposit from DM and DF and my grandparents gave us some money to buy some furniture for when we moved in. We’re not talking huge numbers here like I’ve seen on Mumsnet, a few thousand at most, but it was so appreciated and helped us so much, especially as I was 8 months pregnant when we moved in and just about to go off on maternity leave with a basic SMP package.

I fully plan on helping my children in the exact same way as much as I can.