Be honest, would you judge us for having another child?

[Callingmrssnow]

We have two DS, 8 & 10, one of whom has autism. We have always talked about having another child but the timing has never been right until now. Also, time is not on our side as I have just turned 39.

DS 2 has autism and is non verbal. I feel like people will judge us for having another child, family included. They will judge us because it will cause our lives to change and think that we are taking time away from our child who already has high needs.

I know all this. However, my DH and I dream of another but I can't help but think people will think we are past it and being selfish.

I would have loved a third DC; DC1 is NT, DC2 has an autism diagnosis and attends SS.

I was pregnant with DC3 when DC1 was 4, and DC2 was 3. Unfortunately nature did its thing, and I had a miscarriage at 11 weeks, when I was 40 years old.

I left DP a year later, and am bringing the two DC up on my own, working FT with lots of support.

I could still have managed on my own easily if DC3 had been NT, though acknowledge life would have been more challenging if DC3 had been ND. To be honest, I didn't even think about that part, my urge for DC3 was so strong. The chance has gone now and I will never have another given I'm a few years older, and not in a relationship, yet I still wish I'd been able to have DC3.

If I had my time again, I'd still choose to have DC3, so I wouldn't judge you at all, I'd understand.

I have a 7 yr old with asd. My concern would be the impact on him. The noise, the need to alter routines, work round another person. We have quite a routined life that works for my son I'd worry he would go back if we disrupted that .

It’s your life. Doesn’t really matter what other people think x

My DiL had baby number 4, when first born was 15. She was 42. All her children are normal, if that's the word. Have you spoken to the boys about having a baby?

But on another thread you say how incredibly hard it has been and how your two other children regularly had to kick themselves in a room away from their sibling to protect themselves

Not kick themselves

lock themselves

It’s not

Id never judge !
you do need to think about the issue of 3rd child having autism however

it’s a big deal , and impacts me , autistic son and the NT son

it’s a horrible thing to have to contemplate x

I'd never judge, my SIL did exactly what you are considering and her family are all happy and stable (her second has additional needs). The one thing I would consider is if you can support, both financially and mentally another autistic child.

@beachcitygirl seriously? I just don’t understand this idea. You decide to have children and then think yeah have another so there’s people to take care of them….intentionally. It’s one thing it happening by chance but knowingly doing it just doesn’t sit right.

As autism is linked to age of parents, I would think your chances of having another child with special needs is quite high.

I did - and I have referred to those times on this thread as well. If you trawl through my posts on here rather than elsewhere you will see I said they were so awful that having two made zero difference to the situation - other than helped them as they had each other.

Unless you are saying that anyone with an autistic kid should never have another child ever again in case the worse happens?

I’ve also said that despite the traumatic times both younger kids are now happy, well adjusted young adults who talk with a dark sense of humour about those times but have no lingering trauma. I’m sorry they just don’t - we talk about it openly and they are off happily getting on with their lives.

I know this is hard to understand - but sometimes going through the worst brings families together. It’s not something I would wish on my worst enemy but now, 6 or 7 years later life is good for all three siblings (even ds1 who continues to have struggles). This isn’t fantasy - it’s just one possible outcome - and it’s up to OP whether she wants to take the risk any third child brings (many more risks than autism for anyone with each child).

don’t over think it either, I doubt anyone would ever have a child if we did that!

A financially stable and healthy young couple in their late 20s choosing to have a (first) child is VERY different to an almost 40 year old mother of two older children already, one with additional needs.

Both of my kids have sn. I wouldn’t judge you because it’s none of my business . who cares what other people think, it’s your choice

both younger kids are now happy, well adjusted young adults who talk with a dark sense of humour about those times but have no lingering trauma. I’m sorry they just don’t -

but you don't know that @Sindonym
That's for a trained mental health expert to assess. They might not be conscious of the trauma or the effects it's has on them. Or they want to spare you the guilt trip so they won't be 100% honest and open about how they really feel about their childhood.

I'm sorry but growing up with a sibling who is so out of control and so dangerous that you have to lock yourself away from them or you can't live in the same house as them cannot not be traumatic. It just cannot.

Yes I judge but on the basis of knowing nothing about you. I judge because I’m considering the situation as a Mumsnet exercise. I think none of my business. Then my thoughts are mainly for the other children. That’s your judgement. I would say as long as you have the resources and independence then go for it. 39 not that old IMO.

I said they were so awful that having two made zero difference to the situation - other than helped them as they had each other.

reread your own words @Sindonym

and then say whether you agree with your original statement that having a disabled child had Zero impact

It doesn’t make sense to describe the times with your disabled child as “so awful”. To say how his siblings had to lock themselves in a room to protect themselves from their disabled sibling.

But in the same breath say having a disabled child had zero impact

😐

Having a sibling with SEN isn’t easy

my DC has really matured and adapted
and there are moments ….

but it impacts him 1000%

I wouldn't judge at all and you sound like you have thought about it thoroughly, there will be people that judge no matter what and they probably already do about other things even if you are not aware of it, but your best off not worrying about that and just getting on with your lives and don't let the worry of being judged hold you back. Do what's right for your family and don't worry about what others think. Good luck OP :)

Why do you want another? If your second child didn't have autism would you have stopped at 2?

Totally agree. There’s no way I want my younger children taking care of their brother full time once We are gone. They’ve missed out on so much already. Of course they’ll look out for him, maybe manage his money, advocate on his behalf if they want and make sure he’s safe and happy but definitely not full time caring. My 16 year old has already said she wants to be a joint deputy when she’s 18. But they need to live their lives and he needs to be around his peers and have a full life too. All my kids have already said that they don’t want children of their own (that may change I know) because of the genetic risk.

I'm sorry but growing up with a sibling who is so out of control and so dangerous that you have to lock yourself away from them or you can't live in the same house as them cannot not be traumatic. It just cannot.

This.

This literally happened to my sister. I still carry guilt because I had left and gone to uni at the point where my brother started to get more and more difficult to handle. She was subjected to violence pretty much every day. It took years for them to admit there was a problem or get any help. My mum had to stop work to care for him, which had a financial impact. My sister has CPTSD and the sibling abuse has had a major impact on her mental health.

As I said in my previous comment, we are also all autistic, but with very varying levels of support need. As an autistic person I feel my reaction to people making blanket statements such as “ASD is always hard work” or similar. But adding to a family where you already have a child with support needs requires serious thought and planning and you do need to think about the what ifs, including if another child has even higher support needs than those you already have, and how that might impact your family. Because the reality is, living with a sibling that cannot control their temper, whether it is their fault or not, WILL be difficult or even traumatic for the other children in that household. Saying “he can’t help it” does not do anything to make that any better either.

At the end of the day as well, when you have a child, you are fulfilling your own desires - we have to own that. My dad wanted a son, which is part of why us two daughters resent the decision they made to have a third. Both of us have made it very clear we will not take care of my brother when they are gone, so parents also should not go into it with the idea that they can rely on their NT or lower support need children as a caretaking strategy either.

@Sindonym ·

I know some on this thread will find it difficult to understand but even with the very difficult period we had they do not have lasting trauma. We have always been open about it all and as a family have a very dark sense of humour about it all. Ds2 FaceTimed me recently to tell me he had been trying to explain his childhood to his girlfriend and we ended up snorting with laughter.

my close friend and his sister are able to be very funny about their childhood with their mother in and out of psychiatric hospitals, and her eventual suicide.

they have a dark sense of humour about it and are very funny.

they are also deeply, hugely traumatised by it. It's worrying that you don't seem to understand the impact these childhood experiences have, or that being able to joke and laugh about it is in no way incompatible with being traumatised and damaged.

Why don’t you think it’s normal ? So many children are born of over 40 s mums