Be honest, would you judge us for having another child?

[Callingmrssnow]

We have two DS, 8 & 10, one of whom has autism. We have always talked about having another child but the timing has never been right until now. Also, time is not on our side as I have just turned 39.

DS 2 has autism and is non verbal. I feel like people will judge us for having another child, family included. They will judge us because it will cause our lives to change and think that we are taking time away from our child who already has high needs.

I know all this. However, my DH and I dream of another but I can't help but think people will think we are past it and being selfish.

Three is not necessary regardless of the health of another. The world is dying and you want to bring another one into it?

overpopulation-project.com/motivation-and-project-objectives/?amp

It's not for anyone else to judge! It is completely up to you and your husband, if it feels right go for it! Good luck 😃

Only you and your OH know if you can manage another child, everyone else would just be speculating
My first child was born with disabilities and high medical needs, I expected her to be my only child and everyone would tell me having another would be selfish
There's a decade between my two, my son was born with high needs.and is in an SEN base. Yes it's difficult balancing both their needs but we wouldn't be without my son, he's my ray of sunshine.

Only problem is both my kids now want another sibling, not happening lol

'who is downs'???

You mean who HAS Down's Syndrome?

Us disabled people are more than just there disability, I HAVE cerebral palsy but I am not 'cerebral palsy' theres far more too me than just that.

No one else's business, and I would say just that if anyone calls you out on it.

I think it will be very hard. Specially at your age. I wouldn't. And is a riskier pregnancy

Over here trying not to spit feathers at the people who immediately jumped in with how awful it might be to have another child with special needs.

When you decide to have another child is between you and DH. A former coworker had a special needs child and then had 2 more. Child #2 looks out for the oldest.and keeps a watchful eye on the youngest.

Let's be realistic. There are hundreds on hundreds of threads on here about how hard it is to cope with a child with additional needs. As the adult sibling of one I can tell you it makes for a miserable childhood.

No ones business at all! Do it!

So child 2 has taken on responsibility way beyond his years? There's a fine line between helping out and being parentified

Why ask? What makes you think people will judge you? Has someone already suggested that it might not be a good idea to have another child? Do YOU think it might be a mistake? Just wondering.

It made it better tbh. For dh and I anyway. We are currently sat watching the football with the youngest and I know ds2 will FaceTime with comments later. We would have missed out on all that simple family stuff. I left ds1’s at 6.30pm - so he gets me as well.

When things went wrong with ds1 they were so awful that the presence of absence of siblings was of no consequence to the situation (for us) - I think they benefitted from there being two of them. Maybe that is why they are fine now. Who knows.

I know some on this thread will find it difficult to understand but even with the very difficult period we had they do not have lasting trauma. We have always been open about it all and as a family have a very dark sense of humour about it all. Ds2 FaceTimed me recently to tell me he had been trying to explain his childhood to his girlfriend and we ended up snorting with laughter.

ds3 seems to want to go into some sort of social
care or disability related work (very common amongst siblings ime). He’s the one who I thought might struggle but he really hasn’t.

Note I am NOT saying everyone should have 3 kids. I am countering the idea that having a non-verbal autistic kids means you should avoid having another. Or that life will definitely be awful if you do. And making the point that it is no-one else’s business. I even manage to work full time now for those with some financial arguments earlier.

Is that really fair on Child #2, though?

Yes I would. But I'd hate myself for judging too and you shouldn't have to base your life choices on what other people will think.

As long as you pay for the child yourself I wouldn't judge.

We have a SEN child and a 3rd... it's been the best blessing and has really completed our family... 3rd children are like dessert - you'll love him/her and and all the joy and craziness a 3rd brings x

We also wanted our "typical" child to have another "typical" sibling and although there are no guarantees they will be friends in future years - it certainly feels right now

Children with ASD is never easy. Having 3 children even without ASD is challenging.
Theres always a risk with any pregnancy and more so at this age.
I wish you well whatever the outcome.

You're my new favourite.

We are nice and tolerant and accepting of everytyhing in the real world, Mumsnet is our outlet for wearing our judgey pants.

Blimey she is 39 not 59 . I had my daughter at 39 and wasn’t any different to my oldest at 20 or my middle child at 33

100% this . It seems most people seem to think families where kids have autism live in some sort of low happiness and low standard of life and that siblings are traumatised . If anything it’s the opposite for us too

By were you miserable if I can ask ?

But what would you have done if the third child also had SEN?

do what you and Dh wish xx