Be honest, would you judge us for having another child?

[Callingmrssnow]

We have two DS, 8 & 10, one of whom has autism. We have always talked about having another child but the timing has never been right until now. Also, time is not on our side as I have just turned 39.

DS 2 has autism and is non verbal. I feel like people will judge us for having another child, family included. They will judge us because it will cause our lives to change and think that we are taking time away from our child who already has high needs.

I know all this. However, my DH and I dream of another but I can't help but think people will think we are past it and being selfish.

@Wiluli, I had mine at 37. Dealing with a teen and menopause at the same time hasn't been easy. She would have the added difficulties that an autistic child brings

My first two children have life-long disabilities and I went on to have a third child. It never crossed my mind what other people may think of me having another addition to the family. No body else’s opinion mattered to me, not even that of family members who could see how I’d struggle. I just had that maternal instinct to have another and she is a blessing, and a wonderful addition to our family. I was 39 when I conceived her too.
Whatever you do or don’t do in life, someone will judge you for it. Do what makes you happy if you’ve discussed it with your partner and are both in agreement.

The only people I’ve “judged” are those who can’t care for them and also people who moan all the time about how hard they have it yet make decisions like having more children and acting surprised that it’s harder.

I had my daughter at 39 and wasn’t any different to my oldest at 20 or my middle child at 33

What an unscientific response. Just because it felt the same to you being pregnant at age 20 and 39 doesn't mean that the risks, on average, are much higher once women pass age 35.

I had mine at 37. Dealing with a teen and menopause at the same time hasn't been easy.

Good point about the hormonal changes that most women go through from mid 40s!

We did full genetic testing on both my husband and myself first then on the baby early on in the pregnancy to minimise the risks and knew we'd have to chose to end the pregnancy if something did show up so were prepared for that and we knew after that there was a very small chance of something being missed -so reduced our risk as much as we could

I’ve been in this position and agonised for years over what to do. We had 2 children with ASD both with significant needs. Life was very tough for years and we decided that we couldn’t cope with any more. This devastated me as much as my childrens’ diagnoses. Like you I always wanted a big family and I grieved for the family life I imagined and would never experience.

When I was nearly 40 (my children were 8 and 10) we took the biggest gamble of our lives and decided to have a 3rd. We’d experienced 2 very tragic and sudden deaths in our families and I think this made us think that none of us know what lies ahead. At this stage I still struggled with never having another baby/child and we just decided to go for it. Our number 3 was amazing from day 1. He doesn’t have ASD. My older children adored him and he really completed our family. He most definitely added only positives to our family. I found it a very healing experience in a way as I got to experience all the ‘typical’ baby and toddler things I hadn’t with the older two. I celebrated every single minor milestone and loved every minute. Then when I was 41 I ended up unexpectedly pregnant again after a contraceptive failure. I really worried as felt I was really pushing my luck but couldn’t go through why an abortion. Number 4 child was born at almost 42 and has been a total joy. Our family life has changed beyond recognition for the better so I for one am glad I took the gamble. I do feel very very lucky that I have had 2 healthy pregnancies and children with no issues in my 40’s!! Sometimes I can’t actually believe it. but am so glad I didn’t worry about others. Our family are thriving in a way we didn’t before.

Definitely would not judge, you sound competent and considered. You only have one life and it's nothing to do with your family.

Wouldn't judge at all!

stop being concerned of others judgment, having a baby is a wonderful thing no matter what the circumstances, it’s no one’s business and your life! Good luck, baby dust your way! Xx

Remember the adage something like "You are not entitled to know what others think of you"? From the "what people might think" point of view, who cares? It's fine. I don't judge how many children people have or under what circumstances.

Without judging, and speaking to you as a friend, if you think any people who currently support you such as your parents, friends etc. might withhold help if they disapproved. Which would be awful but people are strange. And anyway don't work on the assumption that they can give more, or even continue to support at the level they are, as many things can change such as their own finances, health or need for their own time.

My other concern for your sakes (all 4, then 5, of you) would therefore be whether you have the financial and personal resources to look after another child with autism with at least as many if not more problems, or other unrelated disabilities, while giving enough time and attention to all 3 children, and having multiple children at home with you potentially into adulthood and into their old age. What if you have twins?! What happens to the other siblings - what arrangements are you putting in place for the later care of your child with disabilities? Will they feel obligated to look after their sibling(s) with disabilities? What if you or your husband get sick or die prematurely? The care and education systems in this country are decimated, and that is a factor I think.This is all worst-case-scenario thinking, but important to consider IMO, even while the drive to have a much-longed-for third baby is strong.

You can’t put in place plans for adulthood when a child is 8 years old. You have no idea what support they will need as an adult or what will be available.

When my son turned 15 I was planning for him to live at home until he was 25 & then move into supported living. By the time he turned 16 it was clear that would not work & plans had to change.

parent with an autistic child here, and acting as the devil’s advocate for both pro/anti having another child:

if you had another child with higher needs or with the same needs as your child has on a very bad day, how would you cope as a family*? Think about you, your partner, your marriage, your other child, and your other autistic child. Not many parents know but sometimes it does happen that autistic children don’t tolerate well having to share their parents with other children with the same needs or not. Search Facebook, there’s a parent who shares his reality with two autistic boys called Tommy and Jude (the channel is Born to be Different). Eye opening.

if your child is autistic, have you considered the impact on the life of your non-autistic child when you and your husband are elderly and when you die (or if you die younger than expected)? What provisions have you put in place so as to ensure that they can live their life and support their autistic sibling or possibly siblings?

if your 3rd child is not autistic, how wonderful to have a bigger family and with more support for your autistic child, but this assumes all goes ok and your children agree to take an equally involved role in managing the care of your autistic child into his adult years as seems likely).

Deep down only you can know the answers to these questions and never underestimate the value of trusting your gut. People already judge you for having an autistic child, sadly it comes with the territory, so I wouldn’t really place too much importance on it to make as big decision as this one. Be kind to yourself while you consider the answers to the questions I’ve outlined here, and involve your husband in this discussion as if you’re not both ultimately happy with the decision your marriage may not survive having another autistic child with high level of needs.
xx

Because even though they loved us both and did everything they could to make sure we were both happy, my sibling simply required so much of their time, focus and attention that there was very little left for me. It wasn't their fault. They couldn't have done anything differently. But it was miserable.

A third child is more likely to also have autism. Could you cope with two with autism? Is that fair on their non-autistic sibling?

I don't understand why people keep saying that, only my 2nd has autism.

Number 3 was an absolute frigging nightmare though, who never slept and was very loud. This probably explains why a) I find 3 such hard work and b) ds never warmed to her. There is a massive personality clash, I'm not sure this is just the autism.

Only my 1st has autism. Autism is many things - not one condition. In our case his geneticist thinks his autism is caused by a de novo mutation (covid has delayed sequencing to confirm or otherwise this). If he’s right then no particular reason for any siblings to be autistic.

My number 3 was hard work as well when little. Third children tend to be a bit bonkers ime. 😁 He’s a delight now though.

Yes if it meant you couldn't meet the needs of your children who are already here and be the parents they deserve, not just good enough. No if you could.

The complex needs is less of an issue its more about what you can handle and what your children need. I know people with autistic children who are verbal and meeting developmental steps but who struggle and then have gone on to have more kids and that isn't fair as they weren't coping as it was

I would also recommend that you read @RavenclawsPrincess post as it offers a perspective from an autistic child’s point of view and experience!

No judgement here. I wish you all the best whatever you decide

If you have the family balance, finance and love to go around go for it people will always find a reason to judge anyway.

My number 3 was hard work as well when little. Third children tend to be a bit bonkers ime. 😁 He’s a delight now though.

I'll have you know I was perfect in every way. 👼

My big sisters and parents may beg to differ though.

I think you might find that is not caused by European, Commonwealth or the majority of Asian countries. So not really relevant to someone who I assume is in the UK.

I wouldn't judge you but I would probably ask if it was a good idea as ASD is exhausting to care for. You probably need to give your love and energy to the children you already have. It must be difficult for your oldest child to get time that isn't affected by your youngest. Having a baby as well might push you all over the edge. Mine developed serious sleep issues when they hit puberty which means we can often be up half the night as it is. Think carefully about what having another baby will mean for your family.

Only you know if you would be able to cope with three, it is your life and your decision. It needs thought but certainly not on whether others would judge you. It’s no one else’s business so just focus on what you want for your family circumstances and would you regret it if you didn’t try to follow your dream. Also take into account how you may feel in 10 years time at 50, but having said that, don’t over think it either, I doubt anyone would ever have a child if we did that!