AIBU to be grinchy about Christmas guestlist

[christmas2022grinch]

My siblings and I are all in our twenties. I still live at home.

My 24yo DB has a LOT of work to do on himself as to why his relationships are so toxic, why he's so controlling etc. It's been a revolving door of girlfriends and the common pattern is they're isolated here. For example there was a woman on working holiday visa. Now it's a Ukranian refugee that none of us have met. They've only been together for a few months.

I was really looking forward to Christmas Day at our house with just our family.

Apparently DB is bringing his GF. AIBU to not feel comfortable spending Christmas lunch with someone who is a stranger to me?

I know the answer is - it's my mum's house and totally up to her who attends. But am I grinchy to be unhappy about it? Family think I'm really horrible as she's a Ukrainian refugee.

Yes you are being unreasonable. Christmas is about sharing and caring and having someone who may be many miles from her home and family is exactly that. Your relationship with your brother is a shame but maybe if you take on the spirit of Christmas you may be able to accept him too.
However, sure, we all want things the way we want them, but Christmas is surely the one time you can be a bit less selfish.

I take your point re. caring and sharing.

I was just conveying the relationship is not going to last.

Not sure about your point about accepting someone who's controlling though

Yabu

Yes you are being grinchy. She's his girlfriend and she's been invited. Your views on your brother's relationship history aren't really relevant.

YABU.

The new guest will add to the conversation, if this is their first Christmas in the UK, you can introduce them to UK traditions and food. You could show her a little support.

I'm not sure why the lack of welcome, just because you don't think she'll be around long term.

Surely it is if it's a flash in the pan relationship?

Because Christmas is to me about relaxing with family, not getting to know strangers

But you can’t relax with family, surely, if you think your brother is toxic and controlling?

If you don’t like Christmas at your mum’s house, move out and do your own Christmas. Otherwise it’s a case of suck it up, buttercup.

I would prefer he wasn't there either but you can't choose your family

No, not even then, and who are you to determine whether it's a "flash in the pan relationship"? You sound like you're taking out your resentment against your brother on his girlfriend.

If you want to control precisely who you spend Christmas with, move out.

Probably time to move out and get your own place then, if you want that much rigid control of who is around you.

It's the christmas spirit to make others feel welcome. I don't see why it matters that the rekationship won't last.

You could make other christmas plans or move out.

How old are you? Do you have a partner, do your other siblings?

I'm studying full time and will be moving out shortly. You're right, will probably never want to spend Christmas Day with someone I've never met.

One sibling has a long term partner that we've met many, many times over the years. They are also living away from family and will be spending Christmas with us (obviously am happy about that)

Yabu and horrible. I hope it keeps fine for you

Are there any other warning signs about your brother being controlling, OP? I agree it’s concerning if all of his girlfriends are socially isolated.

I'd have more of a problem spending Christmas day with a controlling grown man who prays on vulnerable women, than a poor woman who has fled war. I'd be really interested to get to know her, but be perfectly happy ignoring the chauvanistic male, regardless of family ties.

I think it's a bit sad you only want to spend time with immediate family. My parents have always welcomed people who wanted to spend Christmas with us - through the years we've had friends of my sisters, or older ladies living on their own from my mums church - it's nice to chat with someone different. They also make everyone behave a bit better too!

Weird that you give us a paragraph on how controlling your DB is, all I read is that your trying to control the guest list for an event you are actually a guest at yourself…is this a family trait?

Unfortunately many. The whole family is across it, lots of red flags (it's not just me that thinks he's controlling)

I've been thinking about it since I made the post and have realised the right thing to do is to be kind to her and support her. I think I was just blown away by him inviting her even though he hasn't even introduced her

If you read my OP I said obviously my mum controls the guestlist. My AIBU is am I AIBU to be unhappy

Please know I would rather not be around him but pushing for my brother to be excommunicated isn't an option when it's not my house

Meh.When it's your own house exclusively, you can impose all the rules you like.

You never know, this may be The One and her first impression of you is a whiny child who doesn't want to share.

Welcoming strangers (invited) into your home at Christmas is kind of what its all about? You might like the Ukranian lady, hit it off, become firm friends, or you might not. But surely making sure she's not alone and in a fun and welcoming household might make her Christmas and yours different?