AIBU to be grinchy about Christmas guestlist

[christmas2022grinch]

My siblings and I are all in our twenties. I still live at home.

My 24yo DB has a LOT of work to do on himself as to why his relationships are so toxic, why he's so controlling etc. It's been a revolving door of girlfriends and the common pattern is they're isolated here. For example there was a woman on working holiday visa. Now it's a Ukranian refugee that none of us have met. They've only been together for a few months.

I was really looking forward to Christmas Day at our house with just our family.

Apparently DB is bringing his GF. AIBU to not feel comfortable spending Christmas lunch with someone who is a stranger to me?

I know the answer is - it's my mum's house and totally up to her who attends. But am I grinchy to be unhappy about it? Family think I'm really horrible as she's a Ukrainian refugee.

Also, if she is isolated, it is surely better if you make her welcome and offer a friendly inviting ersatz-family that she can have contact with?

She's not the one as major cracks already and it's only a few months in. Also would never be so poorly behaved as to let her know I feel this way. But thanks for your comment?

I understand that, but are you sure it's her that you have a problem with and not him? Would you feel the same if your mum had invited a female colleague around for lunch on Christmas or someone else you don't know?

She's not the one as major cracks already and it's only a few months in. Also would never be so poorly behaved as to let her know I feel this way. But thanks for your comment?

How do you think your conrolling DB is going to convey "you can't come sister objected because you're a flash in the pan and she doesn't want you there" or do you think he'll be kinder?

Read the OP?

I don't want her uninvited.

My AIBU is AIBU to be unhappy about the situation.

I did read the OP and all your other posts. You sound like a whiny child.
Your issue is with your brother not his GF.

And yes you are BU to be unhappy about the poor woman getting a bit of Christmas cheer in a familial atmosphere and you'd rather she was alone somewhere. Just because you have issues with your brother.

Happy now?

Yes I do have a problem with her too because I find it weird to crash another family's Christmas a few months in. It's just something I wouldn't do.

A family member of mine, who we always used to go to for Christmas, worked in a role that involved looking after people who for various reasons didn't have positive family backgrounds of their own or would otherwise have been alone on Christmas Day. This meant we often had an extra person join us - always someone I'd never met and always someone who'd have had no-one to spend the day with if not us. It was lovely to be able to do that.

One year another family member, who had issues with drink and drugs, brought a friend of his who didn't have a home of his own and had had a lot of bad luck in life. They've both passed away since then and I think about them a lot, particularly at Christmas.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that frankly, a little humanity and empathy would go a long way here.

I actually don’t think YABU to be unhappy about the situation, we all have feelings we can’t control. I wouldn’t particularly want to spend Christmas Day with a stranger either to be honest.
However I just feel for the poor woman who is new to the country, probably doesn’t have a huge social network yet, is in a relationship with a controlling man and doesn’t have anywhere to go for Christmas where she’s truly welcome. So I’d suck up my feelings and make the best of it for her sake.

There is a very recent post where the OP didn't want someone invited for Christmas dinner at her parents, can't remember the relationship of the person to the OP but it's very similar to this one

Does she have anyone else to spend it with? If she’s new to the country and your brother controls her, has she had chance to build up social networks here?

So, she's isolated here in the UK, after fleeing Ukraine. Where exactly would you like her to go for Christmas?

She's a refugee - she 's presumably not overwhelmed with invitations/options.

Meet her before then she won’t be a stranger at Christmas. As you say, it’s your mum’s house ahd invitation list.

@Hadjab

Most Ukrainians are Orthodox, their Christmas is on the 7th Jan anyway. Would be happy to have a meal on 7th of Jan with her, just don't want to spend Christmas Day with someone who's a stranger to me

Is she Orthadox? Have you asked?
This is where I think YABU. You’d rather a vulnerable, isolated woman in an abusive relationship be at home on her own for Christmas rather than making a bit of an effort to welcome her.
You might even like her.

I would guess she has has no where else to go on christmas day? Even if she weren't your brothers girlfriend, and just a friend, surely you would welcome someone who would otherwise spend the day alone?

We always have a random person at our Christmas dinner, otherwise they'd be in their own. When you have your own place you can decide who comes.

I just don't think it's appropriate for a relationship of a few months where we haven't even met her.

I spent Christmas 2020 alone in another country because of the pandemic and declined an invitation because I didn't want to impose myself on another family. To me that's the right thing to do and I just find the whole thing weird.

Well, everyone is different. If I was alone and vulnerable and a kind(?) family invited me to spend Christmas with them, especially if I was in a relationship with their son, I’d accept gratefully.

So would you think it would be better that your DB didn’t come to your parents for Christmas and spent it with his GF, or he left her on her own whilst he celebrates with you

You feel how you feel. I'm not going to minimize that; your brother sounds a headache.

But it's out of your hands and there's a sum-total of nothing you can do about it, so you have two choices. Either make the best of it and try to enjoy the holiday from work and all the lovely food and drink, or drink poison in the forlorn hope that it's somebody else who will get sick.

It's your call.

Incidentally, it wouldn't even occur to me that I was 'crashing' another family's Christmas if I'd received a bona fide invitation.

What will be different about the day if the girlfriend is there? Are you changing timings, eating something different, wearing clothes if you’re usually a “Christmas in PJs all day” family…?

Christmas changes and flexes as you grow older – we used to have big, all-family holiday house Christmases for a while, then my grandparents died and we stopped doing it; then my siblings had children and didn’t want to travel so we no longer all gathered at my parents; then they wanted to travel again but lunch was brought forward to accommodate small child routines; then covid. I’ve got a baby coming out by section on Christmas Eve this year so I’ll have a hospital Christmas and future christmases will need to flex to accommodate a birthday. It’s actually nice to let traditions grow and change and to adapt your Christmas as families change.

What’s the relevance of her nationality and immigration status?

If the objection is she’s a new girlfriend why not just say that? You can’t police how other people view their relationships - maybe he thinks it is serious?

I guess the relevance of her nationality, now you’ve mentioned it, is that she probably can’t go home to her own family over Christmas and would be alone otherwise.

Why not try to make her as welcome as possible, possibly try try to learn a few words of Ukrainian to make her feel welcome?

If you’re brother is otherwise a twat that’s another issue.

Thank you