AIBU to be grinchy about Christmas guestlist

[christmas2022grinch]

My siblings and I are all in our twenties. I still live at home.

My 24yo DB has a LOT of work to do on himself as to why his relationships are so toxic, why he's so controlling etc. It's been a revolving door of girlfriends and the common pattern is they're isolated here. For example there was a woman on working holiday visa. Now it's a Ukranian refugee that none of us have met. They've only been together for a few months.

I was really looking forward to Christmas Day at our house with just our family.

Apparently DB is bringing his GF. AIBU to not feel comfortable spending Christmas lunch with someone who is a stranger to me?

I know the answer is - it's my mum's house and totally up to her who attends. But am I grinchy to be unhappy about it? Family think I'm really horrible as she's a Ukrainian refugee.

To be honest, 13 years in to marriage with my husband and I still find it absolutely dull as dishwater when they reminisce about days gone by at family get togethers. They enjoy it though so I’m polite and smile along. I imagine she’ll manage to do the same.

As it’s your parents home just put up with it.

Your DB sounds like my BIL.

Noted, but where exactly would you like her to go for Christmas Day, given that she's ''isolated'' here?

YABVU, I've had to spend Christmas alone in a foreign country and thank goodness for the lovely people who let me share the day with them and feel a part of their family when I needed it.

The OP doesn’t care where she goes, as long as it doesn’t affect her family Christmas.

You sound awful. Like really awful, spoilt and entitled.

Growing up my mum often invited people to ours for christmas dinner - distant relatives with their significant others (people I’d never met), elderly neighbours we didn’t know too well, a woman she knew through work. If we had christmas at my nan’s she would plate up dinners and my dad would drive us to an area in our town where people slept rough and we’d give them a dinner. I’d never leave someone out - especially not a partner of my sibling. Even if it’s early days, maybe she has nowhere else to go and there’s really no need to leave her out?

I'm just fed up of everything revolving around his short lived relationships (and all of them have needed support - because he chooses isolated girls). I came home one day and one had moved in with us with no fixed end date and we all just had to lump it as she had nowhere else to go. I'm just sick of putting what I want aside

Crikey people are very holier than thou and selfless on this thread! OP, I get it and I'd probably feel the same. Its been a long, tough year and Christmas is like a beacon of the good and familiar at the end of the year. Having to get to know, make small talk and be polite to a complete stranger - and one thats the latest in a long line of them in your brothers life - sounds tiring and like you wouldnt be able to completely relax and destress as you'd like to. A stranger DOES change the dynamic of a family event where everyone is familiar and there are no expectations for entertaining or making nice. Ignore all the saintly Joans on the thread, youre human and your response is understandable.

But she’s not moving in, she’s just coming for lunch!

One day it won't be though. How long would they have to be together before you approve of spending time with his girlfriend?

I don't think it's a question of being a saintly Joan. I think it's about having a word with yourself. Of course most people understand where the OP is coming from but the only thing that is under anyone's control is their own response to things. She can't choose who comes to her parents' house for Christmas. She can't make her brother be less controlling and horrible. She can choose to be generous to someone who needs it and it will help HER feel better about it.

For now (mutters darkly)

Being polite isn’t tiring, is it? Welcoming someone on Christmas is usually pretty easy – there’s generally booze and snacks and bonhomie, and plenty to do. Don’t enjoy small talk? Be the person peeling potatoes or volunteer to do all the washing up while someone else entertains the guest. Guest wants to muck in? Great, lay the table together, or suggest a nice walk locally to get some foliage for the centrepiece. Eat some Roses and put on some carols. Roll your eyes at your lazy brother and forget to pour him a drink.

Thought so. And of course this is Mumsnet so everyone is going to call YOU spoilt and entitled, whilst your brother the MAN and his guest gets to sit and stuff his face.

You won't find this thread helpful OP because it's full of handmaidens.

Many of us have acknowledged that the OP isn’t BU to feel pissed off about it. What people have said is that it’s a bit unreasonable to expect the woman to spend Christmas on her own in a strange country just because the OP doesn’t want her Christmas to be different from the one she has in her head.
Im no Saint and absolutely would feel put out. But I’d like to think I’d give myself a strict talking to and help to make sure that an isolated woman in an abusive relationship felt at least a bit welcome at Christmas.

I don’t want to sound like a knob but when it’s your own place and you’re hosting, you can invite whoever you want but, unfortunately for you, until then, it’s not your call, therefore I’d take the stance that getting stressed out and annoyed about it won’t change a thing so I’d just work on passive acceptance. You never know, she may be absolutely lovely and you immediately hit it off. It’s nice to be nice, and to welcome someone who is otherwise quite isolated, especially at Christmas, is a kind thing to do.
The more, the merrier. That’s the attitude to take, I think.

seriously??

She's a Ukrainian refugee. It's not like she can choose to go 10 miles up the road to her Mum's instead.

it doesn't matter if she's a 'flash in the pan' with your brother or not. What matters is welcoming someone to spend Christmas with your family, when she'd otherwise be alone.

Friendship
compassion
.....Christmas isn't all about the tinsel.

FFS

She's not 'crashing', she's been invited by your mum, who actually sees the kindness in including a young woman who's had to flee her war-torn country and spend Christmas in a strange country away from her family. I'm not surprised your family thinks your reaction is awful – your tone and attitude is really brattish. You claim it's because of your DB's relationship behaviour but let's be honest, it's her you have the problem with.

I can understand why you're grinchy, Christmas is such an emotional time. If your brother is controlling, his gf may have been pressured into coming and so it wouldn't be her who was being pushy. Also, if she's nice, she will help to dilute your brother a bit. I hope that you have a surprisingly lovely Christmas. 🎄

You're right, will probably never want to spend Christmas Day with someone I've never met

well let's hope you never find yourself in a position to need to!!

One year my Nana came to stay with us for Christmas. She got off the plane, introduced us to a woman she'd met on the plane & said she was coming to stay 🤣

My parents didn't bat an eyelid.

I think she was about 30, I was about 10 and she was great fun. Life was great fun in those days anyway. She stayed about 6 weeks, I can't remember exactly why now (as I was 10 I was probably just told something inane anyway!) I have a feeling she was leaving her husband?!?!

when I was young it was more unusual not to have a couple of 'guests' for the Christmas period, whether it was an Auntys work college or Uncles best mate recently separated.

there was always room for those who needed 'a family' for Christmas. And we only had a very normal 3bd terrace & loads of family staying. It was like a tardis!!

Yes YABU and I really hope you never find yourself in the situation that you're facing being alone for Christmas, and surrounded by people who think like you.

I have been, and in years past I've had been 'taken in' by various friends (along with their wider families) who believe that Christmas is about goodwill and kindness and not seeing someone left out in the proverbial cold.

I will always have an open door policy in my home at Christmas for this reason.

Whatever your issues are with your brother and his relationship history are nothing to do with this Woman and whether she's a 'flash in the pan' is completely irrelevant, she's a human who ultimately would probably prefer not to be with you either (assuming she has her own home and family somewhere) so try being human in return and show her a bit of kindness and compassion.

I get you, OP. I wouldn't be pleased either. As others have said there's nothing to be done and the situation is what it is, but I see why you don't like it!

"she's a human who ultimately would probably prefer not to be with you either (assuming she has her own home and family somewhere)"

But don't you see that is exactly the issue?

Bog off with the handmaiden bullshit. If her brother is a dick, then that's on OP, her siblings and her parents for putting up with that shit, none of which is anything to do with the new girlfriend.

Handmaidens? No one here is suggesting the brother is a prince. We are pointing out that it’s not the OP’s home, she’s not the host, so she doesn’t get to choose the guest list. Not sure how it’s handmaideny to note that Christmas traditions change as you age, either.