AIBU to be grinchy about Christmas guestlist

[christmas2022grinch]

My siblings and I are all in our twenties. I still live at home.

My 24yo DB has a LOT of work to do on himself as to why his relationships are so toxic, why he's so controlling etc. It's been a revolving door of girlfriends and the common pattern is they're isolated here. For example there was a woman on working holiday visa. Now it's a Ukranian refugee that none of us have met. They've only been together for a few months.

I was really looking forward to Christmas Day at our house with just our family.

Apparently DB is bringing his GF. AIBU to not feel comfortable spending Christmas lunch with someone who is a stranger to me?

I know the answer is - it's my mum's house and totally up to her who attends. But am I grinchy to be unhappy about it? Family think I'm really horrible as she's a Ukrainian refugee.

She might be Orthodox, or she might be Catholic, or Jewish, or anything else. She still probably doesn’t want to spend a major holiday in the country she’s in alone.

(Personally I’m trying to persuade my kids to put our tree up much later this year so it’s still up on the 7th, as I want to invite a Ukrainian guest of my family - and family members - round on that day. But that’s just me)

I think it's just you that have this strange reasoning that if you are invited you should say no because you are imposing. If I invite someone over, I actually do want them to come and I would view it as an addition, not an imposition. She has been invited and has accepted the invitation, so she is not weird for imposing on your Christmas.

Could you meet her and try to get to know her a bit before Christmas then it should be less awkward?

I don't do Christmas myself, but I understand that welcoming strangers into one's home is a long established Christmas tradition. And who knows, one day you may have a boyfriend you would like to bring home.

Thank you.

Yes I'm just unhappy about the dynamic changing. I'm not looking forward to feeling self conscious or having to do small talk. We spend a lot of time laughing about things that happened in childhood etc and I don't want to have to explain all the stories etc to an outsider. That's what I was looking forward to - a relaxed family environment with food etc, rather than an afternoon of "everyone on their best behaviour". My sibling's partner has been around for long enough he's part of the stories now.

I do understand because I have a strained relationship with a sibling and xmas was one of those very awkward and annoying events where I had to keep my mouth shut for the sake of everyone else / peace keeping etc.

I now don’t live near family so I can do what I like and I maintain my boundaries to what keeps me and everyone else happy.

However for the sake of your own peace, happiness and enjoyment you do have to learn some acceptance of who your brother is (right now - he may well grow up and change quite considerably in time).

it took me about 15 years to move through my own anger and resentment around my sibling, it was draining and I feel so much better for letting it go.

people are who they are - practice deep breathing and just enjoy the day, put it this way you may only have a few xmasses left where everyone is together, do you want to look back and be ashamed of how sour you were about it all? We never know what’s round the corner

That's what I would prefer but no one else minds except me!

Is there somewhere else you can go for Xmas day lunch / dinner?

It's good that she's coming OP as by the sound of it she could do with support and some kind of family. That said I'm not at all surprised you're not looking forward to it. Not so much because she's a stranger (although that always means it's a less relaxed day) but because your brother has a history of toxic relationships. That's bound to be stressful to watch from the outside and it's totally understandable that you want no part of them.

You can have all the concerns you like about the relationship but I suggest you put yourself in her shoes and ask yourself that if you were a refugee spending your first christmas in a new country, would you prefer to sit alone or be invited to a nice family for christmas and is it more important that you feel hard done by having a new person join your christmas or that a rather traumatised young girl has a warm safe friendly space to spend the day?

I think you would find you generally have a more enjoyable time if you can take things as they come. Why wouldn't you accept an invitation at Xmas time?

You can't help feeling how you do but feelings are not fixed and perhaps you can talk yourself round to the fact that things change, people grow up and everyone is a stranger to start off with. There's a lot of interesting discovery in there if you can reframe it. You can never have the Xmas of your childhood again anyway so why not try to embrace the newness?

You don't have to assume that a refugee is not going to be an interesting and whole person quite apart from the fact they are avoiding being bombed either - it's not her whole identity and you may have lots in common. She might be a good influence on your brother or you might stay friends even after the flash in the pan is over. And while orthodox Xmas is not til January you can't assume the 25th is not significant for her, or that being completely alone on a day where everyone in this country is with their family is an easy thing to do. Why wouldn't she avoid that? I think you'll have a better time if you can look forward to meeting her rather than deciding she's a burden already.

YANBU. Does he actually help out OP? Or are you expected to help mum and he just sits there3 and stuffs his face?

YANBU for feeling more awkward having Xmas with strangers, no. It's clearly part of your nature.

I think you know YABU, though to complain about who your Mum invites into her own home. It's literally up to her.

This is exactly the dynamic. Never helps

It was a siblings girlfriends toddler.

This is very immature, and you yourself come across as quite controlling, as you are aware it’s not up to you to vet guests. Being unhappy is just childish and immature, be a grown up and welcome anyone your parents choose to invite

Are you planning to ever be in a relationship op? Want to bring him to your family xmas but someone says oh no I don’t know him, you can’t? He wants you to go to his family Christmas and you say I haven’t met your brother yet, I don’t do Christmas meals with strangers? Or 10 years in married with 2 dc, will you say your mum is inviting aunt Mabel and children who live far away? I don’t know them. I can’t go.
I think you get my point…

I would never invite my partner to Christmas lunch if he hadn't met my family in the lead up. Likewise I wouldn't go if I'd never met my partner's family. That's just me though.

Can you not do it yourself though?

YANBU but nothing you can do.

If I were you I'd go somewhere else for Christmas.

I think this is more about you not accepting that Christmas traditions change over the years as people grow older and family dynamics change. It won't always be possible to have a Christmas where you all know each other really well and will be able to laugh at childhood memories. Probably worth working on being more flexible and open to change (and on getting your own place so you can control the guest list!).

There's a big difference between a stable steady relationship and a new relationship of a few months. We don't know her last name. None of us would recognise her if we walked past her on the street. I've 100% welcomed new partners, but this is different

YABU. You are transitioning from Christmas as children to Christmas as adults. It's normal for adults to invite their partners to spend Christmas with them. It would be very odd if your brother did not invite her, especially as she has nowhere else to go.

Eventually you will all have partners that will come and go, perhaps change over the years. You don't have to be married to spend Christmas together.

I brought my foreign boyfriend to Christmas at my parents' house in 2009 when we had been dating for a few months. My family hadn't met him before, but this was a chance for them to get to know him. 13 years, 1 wedding and 2 children later, he's still coming to Christmas.

If my brother had objected that firstl year because he wanted to talk about our childhood and didn't want a stranger there Id have thought he was being a bit immature and silly tbh. In time he had a girlfriend too to bring along.

I would say your idea of "the right thing to do" is warped. The right thing to do is be kind and nice and welcoming. I would suggest you don't go to your family house on christmas day as I get the idea your whining will be ruining it for everyone.

I think your 20s is a time when Christmas does undergo a big shift – certainly it did for me with my parents wanting to dial things down a bit and health factors meaning I suddenly became the Christmas dinner cook – at the same time as life might pull the rug from under your feet post-university (if you went), or in early adulthood when you’ve not yet got your own place or long-term partner, so your parental home is still your secure spot, and particularly now where covid, cost-of-living, etc, has shifted the world on its axis.

The trick is to recognise that your Christmas now still isn’t the same as the Christmas you had when you were little, nor when you were a teen, and it will change again still in the future. Find the things you want to keep – for me it was a big walk, Carols from Kings on Christmas Eve, real greenery to decorate the house, a particular stuffing recipe, regardless of where we were and who we were with (I’ll have to let go of that in hospital!) – and think about what you’re willing to let go of (no, it can’t be your brother!). If what you love is the repetition of stories, see a stranger’s presence as the chance to freshen those stories up and share them: jazz up the jokes, polish the performance.