AIBU to be grinchy about Christmas guestlist

[christmas2022grinch]

My siblings and I are all in our twenties. I still live at home.

My 24yo DB has a LOT of work to do on himself as to why his relationships are so toxic, why he's so controlling etc. It's been a revolving door of girlfriends and the common pattern is they're isolated here. For example there was a woman on working holiday visa. Now it's a Ukranian refugee that none of us have met. They've only been together for a few months.

I was really looking forward to Christmas Day at our house with just our family.

Apparently DB is bringing his GF. AIBU to not feel comfortable spending Christmas lunch with someone who is a stranger to me?

I know the answer is - it's my mum's house and totally up to her who attends. But am I grinchy to be unhappy about it? Family think I'm really horrible as she's a Ukrainian refugee.

He could have a million relationships as far as I'm concerned, as long as it doesn't impact me (e.g. having a random girl you've met once move in!)

Family photos from Christmas with a different random girl in them every year that we only half remember!

You are speaking about these girls in the same way your brother treats them. These are human beings with real feelings, lives and stories just like yours. You only half remember them because you choose to keep it like that. Sure, you might only know them for a day but there is nothing stopping you from looking at photos of Kelly who knew how to do really good nails, Daphne who had a big camper van and loved solving mysteries or Ilyana who is a astro physicist and showed you all that night's constellations. Yes I'm sure your brother's a dick but that they are random girls you don't remember is on YOU.

Sorry but this is ridiculously idealistic

It isn't. You are ridiculously closed minded.

I'm not seeing the problem. Those were the girlfriends he was with at the time. They are a part of his life story. Why should they not exist in the photographs? Even if they broke up later, it was perfectly normal for them to spend Christmas together at the time.

This is an established girlfriend he has been going out with for months, not someone he met yesterday on Tinder.

If you are really honest with yourself OP, would you feel differently if you had your own partner to bring along? Is that the crux of it?

No I just don't do fake connection

You just seem determined to have a rubbish time. I believe that your brother is awful and I'm sorry you don't want strangers at Xmas. But you can choose to enjoy yourself or not.

No, because Christmas lunch is a special family event. As above I wouldn't bring a brand new partner

I think he likes that they don't have networks so then he doesn't feel threatened by other friends they may have that are guys etc. Extremely paranoid about being left, being cheated on etc*

Are you studying phycology?

Have you thought about getting help with your social anxiety? Because being unhappy in your family home, with your family and you're unhappy that a guest has been invited, is not normal.

@Mardyface Not everyone is a social butterfly. Not everyone is comfortable with strangers. Not everyone likes small talk. That's not being a bad person or being "determined to be miserable" to want to be comfortable

The irony of you saying "Are you studying psychology?" then diagnosing me with social anxiety over the internet

Have you ever been in a relationship? You're sure you would want your special person to be excluded, sitting at home alone, while your family had their special day? How would that make your partner feel? Particularly if they were a long way from home?

I think he likes that they don't have networks so then he doesn't feel threatened by other friends they may have that are guys etc. Extremely paranoid about being left, being cheated on etc

But that isn't him controlling them, that's him being scared of having a normal relationship. Controlling would be deliberately isolating them. Sounds more like he has trust issues which is certainly something he needs to work on.

There are many other things that I'm not going to go into

Absolutely. You don't have to socialise. That's quite different from objecting to having strangers in your family photos and speaking about them as 'random girls' rather than actual people. That goes double when they are there as an alternative to spending the day alone in a foreign country at Christmas - when that country will close down completely because everyone else is with their families.

If you want to moan about it - fine. Change it or get used to it. But yes, YABU. As is your right obviously.

@christmas2022grinch it's either social anxiety or your plain unkind....

On second thoughts...

By the way she's not crashing anything, she's been invited.

All this nonsense about not wanting to make small talk because it makes you self conscious, yeah of course it does!

This is an established girlfriend he has been going out with for months, not someone he met yesterday on Tinder

I met my (now) DH a week before Christmas. That year I was spending the day with friends - none of us live near our families. He was at home on his own on the 25th as his nationality celebrate on the 24th. I was telling said friends who were hosting about him and they suggested I invite him round. I did, he came. If it hadn't turned into anything between us we'd all still have had a nice day. Christmas should be about goodwill and 'the more the merrier' without worrying about whether you'll see that person again, or immediately writing them off because you don't think you will.

Well don't attend then? If you don't like it, find an air bnb and stay there, alone?

No problem.

Meanwhile the grownups will get on with Christmas celebrations.

It's your issue, not theirs.

If you don't speak to or laugh with your brother then who are you doing all the jolly reminiscing with? Just your parents? If so, could you do that on Christmas Eve intsead?

As per my posts it's my mum's house and I have other siblings

That's actually a good idea. I could do my own Christmas hosting on Boxing Day etc

OP is it mainly the fact that she's a stranger, or the fact that you're going to have to pretend it's a serious relationship and 'welcome her to the family' while knowing your brother is going to treat her like shit and probably ditch her within a few weeks?

Because the former I wouldn't personally have a problem with, we've had randoms invited to Christmas because they had nowhere to go and it's always been great! The second I would struggle with to be honest - it feels really misleading and unfair to her particularly as she's probably quite vulnerable.

You can invite who you want to when you live alone.
It’s your parents house, they can do the same.

Yes I think you've hit the nail on the head.

That comment someone else posted ("Would you have an issue if it was your mum's colleague?") really made me stop and think. Because in all honestly I wouldn't have an issue if it was a colleague or elderly neighbour or someone we'd met through a charity etc

Surely that’s your family New Year’s Eve picture round quiz sorted (once brother’s GF has gone, of course): name and year of each random girlfriend.

I truly think you’d be much happier if you let go of trying to control this, let go of resenting this, and just accepted it as a weird Christmas tradition: you’re still getting your family Christmas in your family home, but every year there’s This Year’s Girlfriend. If you’re in the kitchen refusing to speak to your brother anyway, I can’t see how it impacts your dramatically…?