AIBU to be grinchy about Christmas guestlist

[christmas2022grinch]

My siblings and I are all in our twenties. I still live at home.

My 24yo DB has a LOT of work to do on himself as to why his relationships are so toxic, why he's so controlling etc. It's been a revolving door of girlfriends and the common pattern is they're isolated here. For example there was a woman on working holiday visa. Now it's a Ukranian refugee that none of us have met. They've only been together for a few months.

I was really looking forward to Christmas Day at our house with just our family.

Apparently DB is bringing his GF. AIBU to not feel comfortable spending Christmas lunch with someone who is a stranger to me?

I know the answer is - it's my mum's house and totally up to her who attends. But am I grinchy to be unhappy about it? Family think I'm really horrible as she's a Ukrainian refugee.

But it would be good if OP's mum told her son that he needs to help and not just expect to come and act like a guest whilst OP waits on his and his gf.

There is a clear sexist difference in the way OP is treated to her brother.

Because everyone telling OP she is spoilt and entitled are conveniently ignoring that her brother does not help and is controlling.

It sounds extremely toxic and yet OP is getting the #bekind schtick.

My ds tends to have fairly short lived relationships so over the years we have had girlfriends from Romania, Ukraine and Slovakia. They have all been welcomed and have brought much fun to my family Christmases. The girls have not been able to get back to their own families for Christmas so of course I make them welcome.

@christmas2022grinch Oh well now you put it like that then of course, she should just hop on a Ryanair flight back to Ukraine for Christmas shouldn't she? It's so simple!

What would Christmas look like for her if your parents hadn't kindly agreed for her to come to your family home?

She could come for dinner at ours in Christmas Eve?

My brother could spend a few hours on Christmas Day with us and the rest with her? I think she'd survive for a few hours alone.

There are lots of options

Welcoming strangers (invited) into your home at Christmas is kind of what its all about?
Well exactly.
We had an international student who was in my hall of residence with us the first Christmas I was at uni. She was going home on the 26th as she couldn't afford to fly earlier. We've also had other international students who weren't going home at all. My parents had never met any of these people (either I or my DB knew them).
One year I was a volunteer teacher in Africa and a missionary family opened up their home to about 10 volunteers for Christmas, we all slept on the floor in an outbuilding and they charged up the solar power so we could listen to tapes of Christmas music while we helped get the chicken ready for lunch. They'd met about 2 of us before that day.

I would be interested in how DB is controlling, given the only example is he chooses gfs that are isolated. Is he the one isolating them or are they already isolated and he sees himself as some sort of saviour figure (sorry struggling to find the right phrase there).

If OP is happy to make time for him and laugh and joke with him then its quite sad she objects to his gf being there.

YABU and one day you'll grow up and want to bring back your partner. They won't necessarily be everyone's cup of tea but you'll want them there and your family will accept that.

I don't laugh and joke with him. Usually busy in the kitchen and then I just speak/respond to everyone else.

YANBU.

I think he likes that they don't have networks so then he doesn't feel threatened by other friends they may have that are guys etc. Extremely paranoid about being left, being cheated on etc

Telling a Ukrainian refugee that you as a Brit have had a long tough year so she can’t come for Christmas lunch might be the most insensitive thing I have seen here on MN for a long while.

Also yes the saviour figure/their whole worlds are each other

I dare say, but that’s another issue altogether. An issue that I don’t particularly believe has much relevance to the point I was making.

Well, you can't do anything about it, it's your parents' house. There's a big chance, she won't show up. My BIL's GF didn't come to our wedding, despite saying she will come. She changed her mind last minute. She is not being invited anywhere from now on, Christmas etc., and BIL knows very well he can kiss my ass for the headache he gave me and DH before our wedding.

@cookiesbeforepookies Let's take her brother out of the scenario then, because the brother she dislikes would be there not lifting his weight with or without this Woman. OP's parents have kindly invited a refugee in the country who presumably can't be with her own family to spend Christmas with their family. Let's imagine for a second that this person is a colleague of her Mum's and nothing to do with her brother.

The issue is the OP being pissed off about having to spend Christmas with someone outside of her family, someone who doesn't have anywhere else to go. People are responding to that being an unkind and entitled stance, which is correct.

If the OP is just pissed off with her brother in general then that's a completely different issue, but don't blame his girlfriend for his behaviour. Confront his behaviour with HIM, don't make her the bad guy for simply accepting an invitation.

Interestingly I would be very supportive if it was a colleague of my mum's!

You are living in your parent’s house and they can invite whoever they want to. If you feel unhappy about it you would be unreasonable to let it show. Why does it matter if your brother’s relationship with this woman is going to be short lived? You sound a bit controlling yourself. I get that you don’t get on with your brother but don’t make the rest of the family feel uncomfortable.

Her behaviour is being perceived as spoiled because she wants to exclude a young vulnerable woman who is a refugee from a nation currently at war because it might make her feel a bit uncomfortable pulling her Christmas cracker. No one is saying the brother doesn't sound awful.

Because we have to pretend that it's not going to be short lived! That's the annoying thing about it. Seeing it happen over and over again. Family photos from Christmas with a different random girl in them every year that we only half remember!

Even if her brother doesn’t help that’s her parent’s problem, they are the hosts and it’s their house. OP would be better just to talk to other people and not get too involved with him.

YADBU!!

My sister's MIL lives in a huge house on the Kings Road in London. She's done very well for herself, but knows a lot of creative types from her 20s that didn't do so well - many are divorced or never settled down, still renting small places, employment uncertain etc.

Quite a few generally don't have a great Christmas so she makes sure she always invites them every year. My sister and her DH typically spend Christmas Day with about ten people who are not family and who they don't really see all year either, but they think it's wonderful.

Get over yourself - it's one stranger and you should do your utmost to make her feel welcome on the day!

What I don’t get is why it bothers you so much that your brother has had a series of short term girlfriends. Is he actually being cruel to them or is he just getting dumped ?

What would you have her do? She is not crashing either, she is an invited guest! I agree with @Brefugee

Every relationship could be a flash in the pan until it's not. You have no idea how this will pan out.
Mind your own business & be nice to this woman.