Christmas Day

[Evans60]

This year has been a busy year and my husband and I have decided to spend Christmas Day just the two of us with our two dogs. He’ll be spending the week before Christmas with his mother at her home as I’ll be working. My husband and I will spend Christmas Day together at home before I spend a few days with family and friends then come back home and us spend a few days together before starting the new working year. My husband has said his mother is still upset she won’t get to spend Christmas Day with us, despite seeing him for a week! We’ve spent the last few years with family on Christmas Day and want this year to ourselves for one day. AIBU?

I think you must be very young to make this kind of cruel statement.

She has already said she is upset at the idea of being on her own.
A son is not a guest, he is family.

Why don't you just spend Xmas day with your DH's mother, and you and your DH can have your own, alternative Xmas day on your own on a different day

And why is this any more okay than them having their own Xmas Day ON Xmas Day and her having her son there a whole week and having their Xmas Day on one of these alternatives, and probably visits with her daughter in law at some point this season? Daughter in law is AT WORK during the pre-Christmas phase, remember, and depending on what industry, possibly again from Boxing Day. It's so unreasonable that when people are working almost throughout the season they still have all these other demands placed on them as well.

Do what you like and stop this madness before it seeps into the next generation and the next.

I wouldn’t leave my mother in law alone on Christmas Day, obviously unless she was abusive or something so we couldn’t be with her, or we had some total emergency or something. I think Christmas is a time when someone who is vulnerable or alone can feel very very low and isolated, and why would you leave a loving mother since she ‘has friends she could visit?’

So if someone has chosen to be alone then their children must be expected to always fill that hole? My husband often says he feels this way and it’s draining for him. My children will be able to live their lives as they please and I’ll be happy to see it.

Choosing no relationship doesn't mean choosing no company on occasions.thats such a find up linkage

YABU. She’s his mum. Do you have kids? It’s easy to say what you would do when you’re not in that position… yet.

@Evans60 well her husband left her, that doesn't really sound like a choice. And no one here is saying you should be letting her move in, just suggesting it wouldn't be very nice for her to be on her own on Christmas Day if she doesn't want to be, and you'd usually be there, but most of all, calling you out for being cruel for thinking she deserves it. But as has been said, I don't think anyone would be this dense, I'm assuming you're MIL.

The MIL is 57 and you lot are bleating about her like she’s some doddery old Nan in her 80s. I’m 57. If my DC didn’t want to spend Christmas with me, then that would be fine by me. My aunt and uncle had my Gran to stay every Christmas, which meant that they never got to go away (and she was in her80s/90s), or visit his family.

She can spend the day on her own with a box of chocolates and Netflix, she presumably has friends she could spend Christmas with? I don’t see why all the guilt about “being alone for Christmas” should be dumped on her son.

God I'd hate to have op as a parent 😆😆

You have my sympathy OP. I’m married to an only child of a single woman. Like yours, she’s chosen to be single for her over 40 years and now we’re expected to host and entertain her on any occasion/bank holiday blah blah.

I wouldn’t have chosen my step mother, but at least my dad ensured he has companionship in his middle age and onwards. When he visits they kind of engage each other, whereas MIL gets ready and perches on the sofa waiting for us to wait on her. She also talks non stop!! I think because she’s lived alone forever.

I loved Covid Christmas when it was just us!! I don’t think I’ll ever get another Christmas just with DH and our DC!! Actually that makes me really sad 😢

Same as Mother’s Day. MIL comes here when actually I’d like for one year to be the only mother that day. She had plenty of Mother’s Day and no her own MIL never imposing.

A son is not a guest, he is family.

Doesn't mean he won't annoy the hell out of her after a whole week !

@Roocakes She may not have any other options. OP has decided because she has friends and some other family members she has options, but this may not be true. Her friends are probably all visiting their families. Her other family members may be visiting their inlaws.
Simply because someone knows some other people, you can't decide that those people will spend Christmas Day with her.
She may have zero choices and be sad about being alone.

@Evans60 when did you let her know that this would be happening? Has she had months to arrange something else but not done it or have you only just told her? I do see why she is upset, most people do see their families on Christmas day.

You keep saying she's "chosen to be alone". As if it's a simple 'choice'.
Safeguarding your sanity and wellbeing by not jumping into dating after a failed relationship isn't "choosing to be alone" Do you not get it?

What children? If it’s just the two of you…

Wow - you’re getting a real pasting here OP! Unjustly imo.

I think your comment above gives an insight into the problem- your dm doesn’t make a big deal about Christmas so ergo neither do you (probably). Whereas it’s a big deal to your MIL and she doesn’t want to be alone. What does your dh think about his mum being alone?

I do think Christmas has become a bit ridiculous - why do people who aren’t even religious revere it as this sacrosanct day where no one must be alone and everyone needs to have their own “perfect day”?

Its just sentimental claptrap really.

I don’t think you’re necessarily wrong to want to spend the day alone with your dh - however if you have a child and are alone when you’re older, how would u feel if your dcs don’t want you for Christmas? Will you be upset? I think I would be tbh.

That’s terrible.

That's lucky as it doesn't seem likely any future children will be keen to run to the welcoming bosom of your family home.

I am in my fifties and would not want to spend Christmas alone. Her friends will not be people in their twenties. They will be spending Christmas with their families. Most people see Christmas as a time for families.

Evans60 may be young, although is probably 60-something from the username? I agree with Evans60 and I am not remotely young. I have however seen 1st, 2nd and 3rd hand how these shenanigans in families put too much pressure on individuals, couples and families with small children. I don't like people guilt-tripping about Christmas, and behaviour that isn't okay at other times of year seems to be accepted at this time of year. We also don't know if MIL is actually very vulnerable or low at all. She's not recently bereaved or abandoned, she has well-established a single lift and friends and other family. It is up to ALL of her family and friends to make the decision whether and when to see her based on all the facts, including her actual level of vulnerability.

@Evans60 it is draining. I get exactly where your DH is coming from. The first Christmas we decided to spend with DH’s parents, my Mum screamed at me that I was “shit as a daughter.” What anyone else wanted to do was immaterial. She thought she should have priority as she was on her own.

I think this might be the root of the issue. It's how different families see the importance of a specific day. For some people, it won't matter that you spend a week with them on 17-24th December. It's all about what happens on 25th.

It sounds like your approach in your family is more about quality time together, with less emphasis on the specific day. My family is like this, as with quite a number of people in jobs where they work on Christmas day on a rota, we can never actually all get together on 25th. However I know that this is very unusual...

I'd honestly just leave your DH to do an extra day with his mother, then do your thing together on 26th. Have a lovely, quiet relaxing day to yourself on 25th.

And then plan to go skiing next Christmas.

You can have a day together any time. Don’t be mean. This isn’t about not being a doormat or putting boundaries in place. It’s you wanting to be mean to someone on their own.