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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas Day

425 replies

Evans60 · 27/11/2022 19:22

This year has been a busy year and my husband and I have decided to spend Christmas Day just the two of us with our two dogs. He’ll be spending the week before Christmas with his mother at her home as I’ll be working. My husband and I will spend Christmas Day together at home before I spend a few days with family and friends then come back home and us spend a few days together before starting the new working year. My husband has said his mother is still upset she won’t get to spend Christmas Day with us, despite seeing him for a week! We’ve spent the last few years with family on Christmas Day and want this year to ourselves for one day. AIBU?

OP posts:
antelopevalley · 27/11/2022 21:01

You have to be vulnerable not to be left alone at Christmas!! Very sad.

LadyMarmaladeAtkins · 27/11/2022 21:02

*she has a well-established single life

Nogreens · 27/11/2022 21:04

I don't get it. OP's MIL is single therefore OP must always spend Christmas with her MIL? What OP or her husband wants does not matter? The woman is only 57. Yeah bullshit. MIL spending Christmas alone 1 year is not going to kill her.

SlagathaChristie · 27/11/2022 21:04

LadyMarmaladeAtkins · 27/11/2022 21:00

Evans60 may be young, although is probably 60-something from the username? I agree with Evans60 and I am not remotely young. I have however seen 1st, 2nd and 3rd hand how these shenanigans in families put too much pressure on individuals, couples and families with small children. I don't like people guilt-tripping about Christmas, and behaviour that isn't okay at other times of year seems to be accepted at this time of year. We also don't know if MIL is actually very vulnerable or low at all. She's not recently bereaved or abandoned, she has well-established a single lift and friends and other family. It is up to ALL of her family and friends to make the decision whether and when to see her based on all the facts, including her actual level of vulnerability.

Her MIL is 57, so OP probably hasn't hit 60 yet....unless there's been some serious cougar action, I suppose...

LadyMarmaladeAtkins · 27/11/2022 21:04

And then plan to go skiing next Christmas.

She'll get even more lambasted then though won't she...? Or is actually Going On Holiday okay and you get a free pass?

EthicalNonMahogany · 27/11/2022 21:05

You're saying "my children will..." etc - are you quite young and haven't started a family yet OP? Perhaps you're not used to the adult responsibility. Perhaps you don't understand what happens across the generations at Christmas- usually the adult couple (now you two, congrats, you own Christmas now) makes sure that all elderly relatives are sorted, by some element of horse trading (You have Dad on Xmas day he can come to us Boxing Day...) You don't just sort yourselves out. It doesn't mean MIL has to come to you! But you have to enquire as to what other plans she might have, check in advance to make sure she's not alone, unless she wants to be. 57 isn't that old but you are starting to get to the zone where you need to enquire.

If you have children later you will need to alter your thinking if you want to have a happy family and warm mutual extended family connections in which to bring up your child/children.

UsingChangeofName · 27/11/2022 21:07

Evans60 · 27/11/2022 20:09

No I am saying it is not our fault that she is on her own and should not be made responsible for this. We’re planning to go skiing one Christmas as it’s one of my husband’s passions - is this something we should be unable to do?

Surely you can see the difference between not being able to invite / host her because you are away, and not inviting / hosting her because you just don't want her company ?

The first is understandable - a young couple with no dc who can afford it wanting to go off on a romantic, snow filled skiing holiday.
The second sends a very different message. "Yes, we are a very, very small family but we still don't want you here with us".

saraclara · 27/11/2022 21:09

Evans60 · 27/11/2022 20:01

She is on her own by choice. She’s had 20 years to meet someone else and lots of opportunity to but has chosen to be on her own after her last husband left her.

WTAF?

I live alone, a widow of 12 years. I'm gobsmacked by the idea that someone could think that it's somehow my fault that I'm alone, and should have picked up any single man I could find so that my kids didn't have to see me at Christmas.

Original poster
Evans60 · 27/11/2022 21:10

No we do not have children yet but when we do I’ll be happily telling them to spend Christmas as they wish as they get older. As I said previously I would not be hurt and would find other ways to spend the day - I’d go away or as another post said eat chocolates and watch films that day. My children may well work over Christmas, live abroad or want to spend the time on holiday - the choice will be theirs and not mine.

OP posts:
SlagathaChristie · 27/11/2022 21:10

I don't know the answer, honestly. Maybe half the day? My mum is a similar age to OP's MIL, also avoided dating after divorcing (completely understandably). I wouldn't want her on her own at Christmas, I hate the thought of it. She either spends it with us or my sibling.
Ditto my DH's mum. She is married to FIL, but he often works Christmas day. We always make sure to visit (or DH pops round while I visit other relatives), even if we're spending other days with MIL and FIL during the festive period. There is something special about Christmas.

antelopevalley · 27/11/2022 21:11

The way you are behaving, do not expect an involved MIL if you do have children.

user564576 · 27/11/2022 21:11

@Evans60 would you let your adult child spend the day alone if they didn't want to, even if they were a grown adult, had chosen to be single, but you wanted a Christmas alone with DH?

antelopevalley · 27/11/2022 21:12

@Evans60 It is theoretical to you. You have a partner and mother and will never spend a Christmas day alone for decades unless you want to,

TokenGinger · 27/11/2022 21:12

Bloody hell, you sound awful. I can't imagine ever leaving my mum alone on Christmas Day. My mum also hasn't met anybody else 20 years on from my dad but it's because her heart was broken and said she could never face that pain again, and because she spent every hour god sent working to provide for us so would never have met somebody anyway.

My mum has given us everything in terms of her time, love, commitment, energy. I couldn't imagine the thought of her home alone or joining a friend's Christmas like a cast away because her own family didn't want her.

Poor woman.

LadyMarmaladeAtkins · 27/11/2022 21:13

Why is this MIL aged 57 deemed to be completely incapable of enjoying her own company, volunteering, going to church, or seeing other friends or family or indeed inviting them over herself, on Christmas Day, some years? It's ridiculous.

I misunderstood as I was answering a later post and hadn't realised that Evans60 is the OP. But still, Evans60 could be any age, given it is her MIL (not her biological mother). And it is patronising the assume that only young people would feel like this. Many of my friends my age (not young) are absolutely fed up with being expected to host big parties, drive here and there often in bad weather with very tired children in the back, or hosting a series of divorced parents and PIL at their own home over the course of a week or so, not being able to enjoy time or trips out with just their own children and have some relaxation, and then having to get back to school and work feeling exhausted by the whole thing. Let alone those that don't have much time off work over what is perceived to be a 10-14 day holiday. Or children and young adults with exams in Janary to revise for. Rinsed and repeated. Every. Single. Year.

I'll say no more.

Littlewhitecat · 27/11/2022 21:13

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saraclara · 27/11/2022 21:14

at least my dad ensured he has companionship in his middle age and onwards.

Another one? Good grief. Wel I'm glad your dad had the decency to let you off the hook.

For the record, I'll be on my own on Christmas Day and fine with it. My DDs are coming over with partners and DGDs on Christmas Eve instead, and we're making that our celebration.

But I'm absolutely shocked that two people here think that their widowed parents are obliged to find partners so that they don't have to feel obliged to see them.

Ihatecocomelon · 27/11/2022 21:15

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Original poster
Evans60 · 27/11/2022 21:17

I won’t expect anything from either my own mother or MIL. I will care for my children and allow them to lead independent lives where they can make their own choices in life.

OP posts:
PurpleButterflyWings · 27/11/2022 21:18

Evans60 · 27/11/2022 20:24

I would happily spend Christmas Day on my own and would never guilt trip my children into spending the day with me and wouldn’t be hurt by it if that’s the decision they took in future. It’s not personal, I do like her and we will spend Christmas with her next year, but for one year we just want to do it just the two of us.

Fair enough. But that's YOU. Hmm

ALSO, you sound like you REALLY dislike her!

roarfeckingroarr · 27/11/2022 21:19

YANBU. She's still young and has friends / other family, plus your husband is spending the week beforehand with her.

You're not responsible and you're not unreasonable.

PurpleButterflyWings · 27/11/2022 21:19

Evans60 · 27/11/2022 21:17

I won’t expect anything from either my own mother or MIL. I will care for my children and allow them to lead independent lives where they can make their own choices in life.

I think I will be laughing about this until New Year's Day. 😂

Ginger1982 · 27/11/2022 21:20

Evans60 · 27/11/2022 20:54

So if someone has chosen to be alone then their children must be expected to always fill that hole? My husband often says he feels this way and it’s draining for him. My children will be able to live their lives as they please and I’ll be happy to see it.

My mum has been a widow for 28 years having lost my dad at 40. She has never met anyone else so, you could say, she has chosen to be alone. I could never see her alone on Christmas Day.

Stripedbag101 · 27/11/2022 21:20

Evans60 · 27/11/2022 21:17

I won’t expect anything from either my own mother or MIL. I will care for my children and allow them to lead independent lives where they can make their own choices in life.

Brilliant. But hopefully you will also teach them empathy. You plans for Christmas are up to you but your comments about single women are a bit shocking.

I hope you don’t have a single daughter! Will you be that awful woman I. The terrible Christmas movies who makes nasty comments to the single daughter every year until she finds a man? Will you exclude a single daughter form Christmas because she could have a man of she just lowered her standards?!

nova99 · 27/11/2022 21:21

Evans60 · 27/11/2022 21:17

I won’t expect anything from either my own mother or MIL. I will care for my children and allow them to lead independent lives where they can make their own choices in life.

There's a reason people bang on about villages OP, you may need them more than you ever imagined.

But you crack on- you sound made of stone so you may not be that bothered 😕