Christmas Day

[Evans60]

This year has been a busy year and my husband and I have decided to spend Christmas Day just the two of us with our two dogs. He’ll be spending the week before Christmas with his mother at her home as I’ll be working. My husband and I will spend Christmas Day together at home before I spend a few days with family and friends then come back home and us spend a few days together before starting the new working year. My husband has said his mother is still upset she won’t get to spend Christmas Day with us, despite seeing him for a week! We’ve spent the last few years with family on Christmas Day and want this year to ourselves for one day. AIBU?

@wink1970 you're right about doing either side of the 25th as the day, why do you think it's so important therefore for OP and DH to have that one day to "relax"? Why not do that 26th etc?

No, Your'e not the only one, you are one of the 22% YABU, as against the 78% YANBU. The numbers speak for themselves. No amount of arguing is going to change that.

@justcallmebozo I'm on the app, can't confirm your stats.

Well, here it is......

Thanks 🙏

I’ve explained my view on the subject clearly. I’ve literally said that TO ME Christmas Day in itself is not important.

I’m saying they’re not being unreasonable because OP’s husband has chosen what matters to him and how HE feels he wants to spend HIS Christmas Day. OP is agreeing with him and it is not her responsibility to make him see his mother.

Why is it ok for his mother to guilt him into more time so she can have her Christmas Day the way she wants but he can’t have Christmas Day the way he wants at home? When would he be allowed to spend Christmas Day the way he wants? Are her plans supposed to dictate every Christmas Day for her son and OP?

An adult child doesn’t owe their time on Christmas Day to their parents simply because said parents chose to have them and should have to do so regardless of their personal feelings. You’re making it out as if she’s a child being completely neglected when she is an adult of 57 and is spending time with her son, not just on Christmas Day and has weeks to make plans for herself.

Adult children can choose what they want to do regardless of your or mine’s view on the importance of Christmas Day, can find their parents exhausting and choose to have boundaries of how much they can take and when they want to take it. Enough threads on here show the unnecessary stress and building resentment of having to appease people you don’t want to for the sake of them getting the Christmas they want,

It can also be argued that it is selfish on MIL’s part to guilt more time out of her son when she is getting plenty beforehand just not on the day she wants and has gotten the past two Christmas Day. Her son wants to spend Christmas Day differently this year and she needs to accept that.

OP and DH are not doing anything shockingly different from many other families who choose to visit people on the other days of the Christmas season and spend Christmas Day at
home because that is important to them or they don’t want to spend the time between Christmas Eve and New Years travelling all over to see people before they return to work and use Christmas Day as a day of rest since mostly everything is closed for the day.

Very wise of you, OP, to stop posting, but i hope you've seen how many of us are in agreement with you.
I hope MIL doesn't try to guilt-trip your DH, i hope he doesn't start to waver,
i hope he doesn't give in.
And I really hope you both have a good christmas day, at home, just the two of you.

Do exactly what you want OP and have Christmas the way that you want it. I wouldn't be surprised if MIL has friends whose own adult children are not spending Christmas with them for whatever reason (working, with their in-laws perhaps), and she could invite those friends over for the day so they could all spend Christmas together if she doesn't want to be alone. Otherwise, she's not incapable of entertaining herself for one day if she has to. It's only one day for God's sake, and it's not like you don't have plenty of family time with her throughout the year. Frankly, I think she's being quite selfish making you feel guilty. It's bizarre that people think what you want isn't important. Do not be manipulated by your MIL and enjoy your Christmas your way!

Yes it's only one day, so why can't OP and her DH spend it with MIL?

@Conkersareback her DH is spending the ENTIRE WEEK BEFORE CHRISTMAS with his mother INCLUDING CHRISTMAS EVE. How anyone can think after that that having Christmas day alone is unreasonable has got to be the MIL

Is your cap lock stuck?

Or you shouted because I don't agree with you? That's right, someone has a different view, so I shout at them?

Explains why you'd leave a family member alone on Christmas Day.

@Conkersareback because a) they have several other options b) they're a grown up and capable of entertaining themselves for a day c) because I'm a grown up with my own life d) because I'd just spent AN ENTIRE WEEK WITH THEM e) because I work full time and only have Christmas day off so I'd like to relax not entertain someone else
These are just from the OP's husband's point of view, I could add several of my personal ones too.
Now tell me why you've brought your children up so you're co dependent on them?

I don't agree with your values, no matter how much you shout and stamp your feet.

@Conkersareback nicely dodging my question

I'm not answerable to you! If I say yes, you'll say "told you so", if I say no "you'll say I don't believe you", it's one of those bully situations where I can win.

*can't win

If a grown-up 57 year old woman can't entertain herself for 1 day then that's her problem, no-body else's.

Nobody is saying she can't entertain herself for one day. That is a ridiculous accusation.
But Christmas is not just an ordinary day.

Exactly!

I mean volunteers give up time to help the homeless etc, yet some still say "it's just a day"!

So again, what's the big deal about sharing the day? If it's just a day and brings happiness to others?

I think it comes down to some people just don’t like spending time with their parents/in laws which is sad but they may have their reasons. I do and would never leave them on their own. I am in my 50’s and I feel lucky and privileged to still have both my parents. Every year I think will this be the last year 😞 My children would be very indignant if I didn’t include their grandparents too.

Of course they would, quite rightly.

So again, what's the big deal about sharing the day? If it's just a day and brings happiness to others?

So who gets to decide "happiness"?

Does the MiL not insist that OP and her DH spend Christmas with her as it would bring them happiness OR does the OP and her DH go as it would make MiL happy?

The MiL is spending a week with her son prior to Christmas day so whose happiness is more important on Christmas Day? The DH's as he can spend it with OP or the MiL's?

Why does one person's happiness on Christmas Day trump 2 others happiness?

Everyone is so obsessed with one effin date on the calendar! I think you'll have to invite her, accept Xmas as one of those nuisance things you need to do every year buckle up and get it over and done with. It's only one day then perhaps you could book some time off in the new year to do what you actually want to do? I've got kids so I plaster a grin on my face in December and get to work doing what I need to do, think the same might be needed here 🤣