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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas Day

425 replies

Evans60 · 27/11/2022 19:22

This year has been a busy year and my husband and I have decided to spend Christmas Day just the two of us with our two dogs. He’ll be spending the week before Christmas with his mother at her home as I’ll be working. My husband and I will spend Christmas Day together at home before I spend a few days with family and friends then come back home and us spend a few days together before starting the new working year. My husband has said his mother is still upset she won’t get to spend Christmas Day with us, despite seeing him for a week! We’ve spent the last few years with family on Christmas Day and want this year to ourselves for one day. AIBU?

OP posts:
ElBandito · 27/11/2022 20:38

I was on your side to start with, but, Jesus, you really seem to expect her to hook up with any old man just so she isn't alone at Christmas.

pilates · 27/11/2022 20:39

I never understand this we want to have Christmas on our own when you have the rest of the year to be just the two of you. I don’t like the thought of people being on their own at Christmas but I come from a close family and we all enjoy each others company. I don’t think this may be the case for you though op?

chikp · 27/11/2022 20:40

Evans60 · 27/11/2022 20:24

I would happily spend Christmas Day on my own and would never guilt trip my children into spending the day with me and wouldn’t be hurt by it if that’s the decision they took in future. It’s not personal, I do like her and we will spend Christmas with her next year, but for one year we just want to do it just the two of us.

Excellent spend it on your own then

Rhondaa · 27/11/2022 20:41

It's one day but an important day for many, the sentimentality and nostalgia is powerful. Please don't leave her alone. Fine if you go skiing one year but you aren't this year are you.

Does she have other kids who would like to see her?

chikp · 27/11/2022 20:41

Evans60 · 27/11/2022 20:31

Yes she has said many a time that she doesn’t want another man in her life.

What's that got to do with it

Ihatecocomelon · 27/11/2022 20:41

Op: aibu?
Everyone else: yes
Op: No I'm not

Littlewhitecat · 27/11/2022 20:42

Evans60 · 27/11/2022 20:01

She is on her own by choice. She’s had 20 years to meet someone else and lots of opportunity to but has chosen to be on her own after her last husband left her.

Bloody hell OP I was with you until you said that.

Lj8893 · 27/11/2022 20:43

Not really sure why you have bothered asking AIBU op? Because many people have told you that YABU and you refuse to accept it? Why bother asking??

FallingsHowIFeel · 27/11/2022 20:44

If she was horrible and you didn't get on, I’d think you were right. We like to have Xmas day just the four of us. But as she will be on her own and you do actually like her, I think you sound unkind. I’d have anyone I liked round for Xmas if they would otherwise be alone and unhappy about it.

CarefreeMe · 27/11/2022 20:45

YANBU

It really annoys me how many people will use Christmas as an excuse to be manipulative and make you do things you don’t want to do.

There are plenty of activities for people who live alone and it’s not fair that they impose on someone else just because ‘it’s Christmas’.

Ihatecocomelon · 27/11/2022 20:45

Fuck me dead, op says she actually likes her mil. I'd hate to see how she treats someone she hates 😆😆

Pinkcadillac · 27/11/2022 20:45

I call reverse.

butterflyandbees · 27/11/2022 20:46

I will be spending xmas day alone as my husband is now leaving and I don't have any other family, not by choice I may add. It is not something I welcome and I think giving her the day with you both would mean a lot to her.

Amybelle88 · 27/11/2022 20:47

It's her choice to not have a man in her life, yes, but I don't think this a rod to beat her with and tell her tough it's your choice.

If she's going to be on her own on Christmas Day you're a bit mean to be totally honest. If you don't care for Christmas why do you care about being on your own so much? If it's no big deal just do your own quiet Christmas on Boxing Day.

Just because you're not bothered about Christmas doesn't mean other people aren't - have Christmas dinner with your mother in law (and your own mum!) and then have a cosy few days afterwards just you two,

FallingsHowIFeel · 27/11/2022 20:47

Also, on Xmas Day, will you and your husband actually be able to enjoy the day knowing his mum is alone? That’s really cold,

RosesAndHellebores · 27/11/2022 20:47

So you and your dp have several days before the 25th and several afternitntomsepnd as you please and appear to have no other obligations.

You are being unreasonable. You have all.the other days to donate you please. Be glad. Spend the one day with her. One inch windy day.

I'm older than your MIL, work full-time. Have to see my mother and step between 17th and 20th, drive 250nmiles for widowed MIL, taking Xmas with us. Lay on six days of festivities for the family with grace and a smile.

If you were my dd I'd be so very ashamed of you. Give yourself a talking to and think of others and understand the world does not revolve around you. One day you may be a mother. I hope your children treat you better.

Hayliebells · 27/11/2022 20:48

Evans60 · 27/11/2022 20:01

She is on her own by choice. She’s had 20 years to meet someone else and lots of opportunity to but has chosen to be on her own after her last husband left her.

What a horrible comment. So just because someone prefers to stay single, they deserve to be alone on Christmas day? Why don't you just spend Xmas day with your DH's mother, and you and your DH can have your own, alternative Xmas day on your own on a different day? You just sound mean tbh, so YABU.

BirmaBrite · 27/11/2022 20:48

The majority of people do not want to be alone on Christmas day and even if she has spent a week with him, if she is going to be alone on Christmas day then yes she will be upset.

You never know after a full week , most guests go off the boil a bit, she might be glad to see the back of him after a week, and end up blissfully watching rubbish telly in her PJ's, braless whilst inhaing chocolates Wink

nova99 · 27/11/2022 20:48

"She is on her own by choice. She’s had 20 years to meet someone else and lots of opportunity to but has chosen to be on her own after her last husband left her."

"No I am saying it is not our fault that she is on her own and should not be made responsible for this."

"Yes she has said many a time that she doesn’t want another man in her life"

You sound like you're punishing her for not having another husband tbh. Why do you care so much about it, it's weird

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 27/11/2022 20:49

Ihatecocomelon · 27/11/2022 20:33

I wonder if you made dh spend a week before Christmas with his mum to get your own way. Is this what usually happens?

So men have no autonomy or individual decision-making capacity of their own?

It would be a cold day in hell before I could 'make' my husband do anything - not that I'd have any inclination to try - they are grown men, not children.

user564576 · 27/11/2022 20:49

@Pinkcadillac I beat you to it Wink

LadyMarmaladeAtkins · 27/11/2022 20:50

Well personally I think it's fine to expect someone to be alone or make other arrangements once in a while, so long as they are not being completely ignored, and the widespread emotional blackmail that goes on at this time of year is beyond awful.

As someone said, if a person celebrates Christmas religiously they won't be alone on Christmas Day because they will be at church or the vicar/priest will visit. If not, it's irrelevant and they are making a fuss about a cultural celebration which seems to go on for about 2 months anyway and yet people STILL make a huge fuss about 'The Big Day'. If family and friends are being kind, coming over during the season, and phoning or even better videocalling on the day, there is no problem.

My advice to everyone in a couple or a family or as a single adult is to set up precedents early in your life for what you will and won't do at Christmas, whether you may go on holiday sometimes, whether you will spend time on your own or in your own nuclear family some years. It is much much harder to change things later.

kateandme · 27/11/2022 20:50

Ah you dont like her.
Out of interest what has your dh said in reply to this.
I'm also really fed up of seeing on here any type of need or vulnerability or asking from folk as manipulation or guilt tripping! Ffks she's allowedto not want to be ALONE. People are allowed to struggle without it being vindictive or nasty. It's not guilt tripping it human feelings.

BeaLola · 27/11/2022 20:51

I may have missed this but have you only just told her your plans ? If so YABU as she was probably anticipating being with you both - if you told her this arrangement back in the summer then YANBU

Roocakes · 27/11/2022 20:51

Yanbu. If mil was elderly/infirm then it would seem unreasonable to leave her on her own but this isn’t the situation. Your dh is staying with her before and you say she does have other options. Enjoy your break with your dogs and dh, OP.