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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas Day

425 replies

Evans60 · 27/11/2022 19:22

This year has been a busy year and my husband and I have decided to spend Christmas Day just the two of us with our two dogs. He’ll be spending the week before Christmas with his mother at her home as I’ll be working. My husband and I will spend Christmas Day together at home before I spend a few days with family and friends then come back home and us spend a few days together before starting the new working year. My husband has said his mother is still upset she won’t get to spend Christmas Day with us, despite seeing him for a week! We’ve spent the last few years with family on Christmas Day and want this year to ourselves for one day. AIBU?

OP posts:
antelopevalley · 27/11/2022 20:23

Evans60 · 27/11/2022 19:42

She’s 57 and has friends she could spend the day with and other family members.

Do you know this? Won't most friends be going to their families for Christmas Day?

Original poster
Evans60 · 27/11/2022 20:24

I would happily spend Christmas Day on my own and would never guilt trip my children into spending the day with me and wouldn’t be hurt by it if that’s the decision they took in future. It’s not personal, I do like her and we will spend Christmas with her next year, but for one year we just want to do it just the two of us.

OP posts:
Skyeheather · 27/11/2022 20:24

You and your DH should have made sure she has somewhere else to go before you declared you were just having Christmas to yourselves. She won't get any invitations from friends or family for Christmas Day because everyone will assume she's spending the day with her son as usual. She will be on her own unless you want to start phoning around and asking people if they'll have her.

MaryMollyPolly · 27/11/2022 20:25

You don’t sound very nice.

user564576 · 27/11/2022 20:25

She is fine with this as she doesn’t care for Christmas.

But how does your MIL feel? I appreciate people saying it's only a day, she's a grown up etc, but she's also human and Christmas comes with a lot of baggage for some. I'd really struggle to die for it alone and would feel really sad about it, however old I was. Id never let anyone in my family spend it alone if they didn't want to.

user564576 · 27/11/2022 20:26

Sorry no idea where die came from, I'm not that dramatic about it honestly Smile

LovePoppy · 27/11/2022 20:27

Skyeheather · 27/11/2022 20:24

You and your DH should have made sure she has somewhere else to go before you declared you were just having Christmas to yourselves. She won't get any invitations from friends or family for Christmas Day because everyone will assume she's spending the day with her son as usual. She will be on her own unless you want to start phoning around and asking people if they'll have her.

Why? Why is it their responsibility to make sure she’s got plans?

she’s not a fucking child

antelopevalley · 27/11/2022 20:27

LovePoppy · 27/11/2022 20:23

I love this answer 😂😂

please lie down and be a doormat for another woman OP. You don’t matter. Only the older women do.

Show quote history

It is not being a doormat to care about your own mother. This is DHs mother.

antelopevalley · 27/11/2022 20:28

God some people are really heartless. Do they really care so little about their own mothers?

Luredbyapomegranate · 27/11/2022 20:28

Evans60 · 27/11/2022 20:01

She is on her own by choice. She’s had 20 years to meet someone else and lots of opportunity to but has chosen to be on her own after her last husband left her.

Well you sound delightful! do you actually know this, or are you assuming she’s had a choice in the matter?

You aren’t being unreasonable to want to have Christmas for the two of you.. but she isn’t unreasonable to feel sad her son hasn’t invited her either. In lots of families no one would dream of not inviting their parents unless there was a very good reason (eg going ski-ing), so it’s not odd that she’s hurt.

LovePoppy · 27/11/2022 20:29

Yes, it’s HIS mother. And this is what HE wants to do! Why are his mothers wishes weighing more than his?

bangersandmash2 · 27/11/2022 20:29

If you live with your partner why not have a fake Xmas day just the two of you another day? Presumably you spend every day together anyway Confused
And give MIL Xmas day?
Presuming you're grown cohabiting adults this will be fine? It all seems a bit juvenile to hole away for one day at the expense of others being alone.

SunshineAndFizz · 27/11/2022 20:30

Evans60 · 27/11/2022 20:24

I would happily spend Christmas Day on my own and would never guilt trip my children into spending the day with me and wouldn’t be hurt by it if that’s the decision they took in future. It’s not personal, I do like her and we will spend Christmas with her next year, but for one year we just want to do it just the two of us.

Well that's fine if you feel like that, but surely you can understand other people hate being alone on Christmas? Have some empathy.

PurpleButterflyWings · 27/11/2022 20:31

I am surprised at the high amount of people in the vote saying 'you're not being unreasonable' because most of the comments are saying you are.

Anyway...

Whilst I agree it's absolutely your choice to do what you want on Christmas day, leaving your husbands mother alone, is just a bit mean really, and to be honest @Evans60 you sound like you really don't like her at all. I feel sorry for her tbh. You have made some really mean and spiteful remarks about your MIL. Poor woman. Sad

Original poster
Evans60 · 27/11/2022 20:31

Yes she has said many a time that she doesn’t want another man in her life.

OP posts:
Hellno44 · 27/11/2022 20:31

I don't think your unreasonable. However, I do think when you change something that is routine you should give people plenty of notice. Telling MIL in the summer that you intend doing Christmas alone and aren't inviting her is different to telling her in late November. I guess for me it's about managing expectations..

I also think you might benefit from some empathy and reflection time. You don't come across very nice. Maybe you aren't nice and don't care or maybe there is other atuff at play only you know.

BloodAndFire · 27/11/2022 20:32

I would happily spend Christmas Day on my own

Great. Do that.

Ihatecocomelon · 27/11/2022 20:33

I wonder if you made dh spend a week before Christmas with his mum to get your own way. Is this what usually happens?

LosingTheWill2022 · 27/11/2022 20:34

Evans60 · 27/11/2022 20:01

She is on her own by choice. She’s had 20 years to meet someone else and lots of opportunity to but has chosen to be on her own after her last husband left her.

Changed my vote too based on this.

antelopevalley · 27/11/2022 20:35

Only telling her now also does not give her enough time to sort out any other plans. Other people's plans will already be set.

Hellno44 · 27/11/2022 20:35

I'm 44 and if my husband left me or died I wouldn't want another man in my life. I have no intention of dealing with another person's nonsense. It doesn't mean I want to be alone. Families are made up of more than a partner.

Nanny0gg · 27/11/2022 20:36

Evans60 · 27/11/2022 20:01

She is on her own by choice. She’s had 20 years to meet someone else and lots of opportunity to but has chosen to be on her own after her last husband left her.

Oh yes. It's that easy...

Original poster
Evans60 · 27/11/2022 20:36

No he has chosen to do that and often sees her and goes up to stay with her. We also go down to her as a couple and she’s comes up to stay with us often too.

OP posts:
MrsMitford3 · 27/11/2022 20:37

Byelaws · 27/11/2022 20:05

um ok so I am changing my vote to YABU.

You just sound nasty

Show quote history

Me too @Byelaws

LosingTheWill2022 · 27/11/2022 20:37

Evans60 · 27/11/2022 20:31

Yes she has said many a time that she doesn’t want another man in her life.

So someone who doesn't want an intimate life partner should not expect any engagement or consideration from close family? ??
They've not chosen to live like a hermit!

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