Christmas Day

[Evans60]

This year has been a busy year and my husband and I have decided to spend Christmas Day just the two of us with our two dogs. He’ll be spending the week before Christmas with his mother at her home as I’ll be working. My husband and I will spend Christmas Day together at home before I spend a few days with family and friends then come back home and us spend a few days together before starting the new working year. My husband has said his mother is still upset she won’t get to spend Christmas Day with us, despite seeing him for a week! We’ve spent the last few years with family on Christmas Day and want this year to ourselves for one day. AIBU?

So will you be alone on Christmas Day?

I think I’d enjoy Christmas Day on my own. Get some nice food in, plenty of festive telly and some new pyjamas. Perfect!

I am a mother in law and a Nanna. I too have lots of friends and distant relatives. None of these ever invite me on Christmas Day and I wouldn’t want to invite myself to somebody else's family Christmas. I too have “failed to find a new partner” during the last 5 years (I haven’t looked very hard!) So I am eternally grateful that my son and my lovely daughter in law include me every Christmas Day! I think you are being very unkind.

Shame OPs MIL doesn't feel the same way.

Oh MIL’s I swear it’s in their DNA to guilt trip us; stick to your guns & have the day just for you; turn off your phones; disconnect the landline & have a really relaxing lazy day just the two of you doing what you want to do.
I entertained my D-mil for donkeys year every Christmas Day year in year out; it really became an expectation not just from her but from Dh’s siblings I missed special times with just my children & I resent it a bit now, that they’ve grown up & left home; I can never get that time back.
Enjoy your time x

Not really the point know, but I lost my mum last year and would dearly love to have her over for Christmas this year. They'll not be there forever and it isn't the same when they're gone. And having grandparents at Christmas is usually a plus for children, surely?

I couldn’t get guilted into doing something I didn’t want to do. The way I see it, it’s not your responsibility to sit with her on Xmas day just because she attaches an emotional relevance to it. You are not abandoning her. She has other family or friends who she could chose to visit. Doing things you don’t want to do, out of a sense of obligation to someone else’s family member is recipe for making you miserable.

YANBU
Parents shouldn't guilt-trip their adult children in this way, it's not fair.
OP - enjoy your day with your husband and dogs, you've earned it 🙂

It's definitely like non-parents talking about wooden toys isn't it, you're spot on @Skelligsfeathers .

OP, you have privilege. Youth. Health. No sense of burdensome responsibility to others. Of course Christmas seems to you like a time for you to kick back and prioritise your own fun. Your husband has no dependents but has had "a busy year at work". I can't help but think the busy year has included more rest than most parents and carers. You think that everyone has this sense of self-propelling energy and ability to just amuse themselves.

But aging is different. Vulnerability comes to us all, eventually.

"Doing things you don’t want to do, out of a sense of obligation to someone else’s family member is recipe for making you miserable." I don't think that's true. Why would inviting a lady you like to dinner or lunch on Christmas Day to make her happy be a miserable experience? There's the whole of Boxing Day to spend chilling if that's what you really want to do.

I wouldn’t have chosen my step mother, but at least my dad ensured he has companionship in his middle age and onwards

Does your dad love her or did he pick any old woman to 'ensure' he has company?

But why shouldn't they go skiing at Xmas. His mum is a grown women that should not be relying on them to always have her at Xmas. Surely they should get to have a Xmas they want one year.

How is this odd?

She’s 57 not 97 for god’s sake! Unless he’s let her think and plan for Christmas together and just suddenly gone “oh haha no sorry only kidding” I really don’t see the problem. I would never demand my kids spend Christmas with me and if one of them was in a happy marriage and wanted to spend Christmas alone with their spouse I’d absolutely encourage it. So many people's marriages are spoilt by demanding in-laws - I vote YANBU.

Dear god she's 57 not 87..can't she get herself down the local homeless shelter or cook for an elderly neighbour..have I missed something here ..she's not old shes 57 ..the pressure we all succumb to for the' perfect Christmas day'..all the tv adverts with huge families sitting round the table making us all feel inadequate cos our lifes not like that .. why do we still fall for this rule of what Christmas should be like and bloody Christmas shopping adverts in a cist if living crisis .. grrrrrrr

Oh lol ..I wasn't copying 4kids2cats ..your message wasn't there when I started typing !

Cost

Some MILs compete with their DILs and vice versa. I think this is likely the root of the problem here.
OP resents that she has to share her partner with his mum. It can't be easy. MIL likely know this and have no intention of freeing her son from this responsability even if she has options.
She is still young and could invest in her social life so to not rely on her son for company.
And I imagine the OP knows it will only get worse with time.

Have your day together and enjoy some special time. We always entertained family but one year decided it would just be the two of us, a special day doing what we wanted, eating what we wanted and no pressure! Just do it, life is too short!

@LovePoppy i absolutely agree.
Why the hell is it a grown child's job to make sure another grown adult is babysat.
I'd actually be mortified if my son felt like he needed to spend a certain day with me because I couldn't handle it on my own 🤦‍♀️
I didn't have a child to make sure I was never alone. That's my responsibility and mine only.

I dont get this need for an older family members wishes to always come first.

What if God forbit anything ever happened and OP never got her one Xmas alone with her husband.

Judging by this thread it appears people have just become needy and incapable if doing things by themself!

Your children aren't there for your entertainment purposes

OP don't feel bad at all and go enjoy your time together

My dad died this year and all my mum wishes is they'd done more stuff together alone x

Because he is going to spend a whole week with her, out of choice so presumably this won’t make him feel drained, but Christmas Day will

Is it really so bad to spend Christmas day on one's own? She's hardly elderly and no mention of being vulnerable so what's the problem? OP, you are definitely NOT being unreasonable.

“Only have one mum” worst guilt trip ever.

not always even true if people have excellent step parent relationships.

either way, “only having one mum” doesn’t mean you drop everything for her wants.

I lost mine when I was 11.

i still think op and her DH should choose to spend it how they want.

i am sorry for your loss though

Having grandparents at Christmas might be nice for the kids but it can be bloody awful for the adults. Not all grandparents are easy to be around and there's a lot of hard work that goes into hosting Christmas. There's really nothing wrong in wanting a quiet one, with no guests.
This mil is 57, not 87 - she's hardly some vulnerable old lady who needs looking after.