Christmas belongs to families

[JunoWhovian]

I have a lovely DH and a part time job I enjoy, I volunteer too. I have a few friends but with their busy lives, rarely see them. No DC.

I'm active and run a lot, go to the gym, am happy enough to see a film by myself and generally muddle along happily enough.

But then Christmas comes along and it triggers the huge hole in my life; I have no family. Just DH. He has no family either. I'm very lonely, on a sort of primal level.

I don't have anyone to buy presents for. No Christmas get-togethers, no invites - you wouldn't notice if I didn't exist. I haven't decorated for Christmas or put a tree up because there doesn't seem any point.

Christmas morning DH and I will go for a long hike, then I'll cook a roast while drinking Prosecco and spend the afternoon in PJ's watching TV or playing board games. There's no one to phone, no messages, no one to visit.

I'm usually positive and an upbeat person but this year is really, really hitting hard. Clearly feeling sorry for myself!

AIBU to think Christmas belongs to families, but doesn't really do anything apart from highlight being lonely for everyone else?

This is a lovely post. x

" Mumsnet has been a great source of information and support and that's why I'm here This place can be tough but there are truly amazing people too and I don't want to leave!). "

@JunoWhovian
i never saw anyone checking credentials and/or bona fides at the door!
Of course you should be here if being here is of any help to you, for whatever reason.* *
**

This is a lovely idea in my county (Dorset) and can easily be replicated around the UK:

www.chatcafelocal.com

And volunteers are needed to make one phone call a month to a lonely senior citizen (training is provided):

www.thesilverline.org.uk

I am so sorry to hear of your infertility struggles OP. I have also struggled with infertility and know how painful it is. 💐

I do understand your sentiment. I am an only child and so is DH. We do have a child ourselves and I know it is vastly different having a child to not having one so I am not comparing that at all. But Christmas isn’t the bustling big family get togethers with siblings of ours, cousins running around etc. I wish it was. I’d love all the busyness. I often think we are better off going away to avoid the Xmas chat. And just to concentrate on the three of us.

I think a wonderful trip for you and DH would be a perfect way to spend Xmas 💫The Northern Lights or similar. ☺️

I too have struggled with Christmas, and loneliness in general, for most of my adult life. I’m an only child, we moved to Australia when I was 5, leaving behind our family. I have not seen/spoken to my dad since I was 5. My mum remarried but my stepdad passed away in my 20s. Literally the only family I have (other than my DW) is my mum and we’ve always had an extremely difficult relationship. She has mental health issues and is completely incapable of providing any sort of reciprocal relationship - I’m basically just her carer.

I’ve spent most of my 20s and early 30s raging against my situation and doing nothing to fix it. At 36 I’m now ready to acknowledge that I have a responsibility to create the life I want, despite the situation/life I was born into. I may not have an instant family like so many do, but that means I also don’t feel beholden to extremely toxic people just because they are blood relations, like some people do. So, I’m choosing to build really strong friendships and connections, to create a family of choice: people I actually like and have things in common with, rather than people I HAVE to associate with just because they are related to me, despite the fact that they may not be nice people or we may have nothing in common. I’m also gravitating to childless people, like myself (though I am currently a foster carer to a 5 year old this arrangement will soon end), as they are more likely to be available at times that others might be occupied with family, such as Christmas.

You too can do this OP. Like others have said - it may be too late to achieve for this Christmas, but it’s certainly achievable by next Christmas. It does require you to put yourself out there and get out of your comfort zone though. I’m quite introverted but the more you do something the easier it becomes.

Finally - I’m wondering if some of the more lonely people on here might be interested in starting a little WhatsApp group to exchange messages/banter/jokes or just have someone to wish a Merry Christmas to on Christmas Day? If so DM me 😊

I've never had a "normal" family Christmas
Parents ran a pub so.. I think in 38 years we had Christmas dinner once!
The past few years we have gone for an Indian meal out, and now it's at the point where we know everyone that goes and it's like a weird family of people who hate turkey, work odd shifts, run pubs or don't celebrate at all
My dad rang me this week to say it's booked and "X/Y/Z is going as usual". We swap cards and change tables through the meal to catch up
Unusual but it works and you get to try other peoples food

Honestly your christmas sounds better. Families = drama most of the times

I’m sure it’s going to happen anyway but maybe it’s something we can get organised.or mumsnet hq to.that there is a post open especially for chrismtas days or days surrounding it.maybe it can be pinned to the top of the chat pages? I don’t no how thee things work.
I wouldn’t be surprised if they won’t be popping up on different sections anyway but maybe if we had it in a specific place everyone could be together?

As with all the other post saying this, it's spectacularly unhelpful.
There will be plenty of threads to moan about family Christmases.

Absolutely this.

There are pros and cons to a "wider family" unit, especially at Christmas. But you and your partner are absolute a family and can celebrate as such.

Christmas is a crap time of year for many people. People forget that! So many older people sat alone, young people who can’t have children, people who have lost loved ones…
mayne you could volunteer somewhere on Christmas Day? A homeless shelter? Old peoples home? … bring some light this Christmas to others?

Sorry to hear you're feeling this way. It is a really tough time of year and all the hype and images of a perfect Christmas puts so much pressure on everyone.
I am a strong believer of being the master of our own destiny and if you're not happy, try something new this Christmas? If you're financially able, maybe a holiday somewhere hot or book a meal somewhere for Christmas and there will definitely be other people in a similar position.
Your Christmas does sound lovely though. Pjs, board games, films and drinking- sounds lovely and relaxing.

Have you ever thought about fostering? Or mentoring older children in the system? I know you said on the whole your life is pretty perfect, but it sounds like you might benefit from being a part of something that helps others? Apologies if children is a sensitive subject, just trying to think of things that could bring that 'tribe' feel you're looking for (and think perhaps you'd like year round?)

I agree other people’s lives are rarely what they portray to the wider world. Christmas is pretty boring really. I do have children all adult they know what’s in the boxes they moan about Christmas dinner and disappear off to play bloody FIFA or whatever. A lot of hassle. Go to the ABBA party with your partner or go on holiday. Whatever you do I hope you have a lovely time not stressing while everyone else runs around like headless chickens trying to please others

There is only hubby and me now - children grown and moved away. I share Christmas with my Son's in-laws so we have a day together (alternative Christmas Days). I still decorate the tree and go all out with the decorations - it cheers me immensely. I would suggest you put up a tree and do the decorations it is surprising how uplifting that can be.

Its just one day OP. I know that might not be a helpful point to emphasise, but we’re all given this picture perfect view of Xmas day, sat round a large table with perfect food, jovial happy relatives, well behaved polite children. But this isn’t the norm. Sometimes you get the impression that for a lot of people, it’s just forced fun, by people desperate to live up to that perfect Xmas. The best part of Xmas for me is the run up to it - the lovely Xmas markets, decorated streets, the Christmas songs and the build up of excitement for children. Love it. But often the day itself disappoints.

My local church arrange a lunch for anyone not wanting/not able to celebrate at home. It is normally a good turn out with delicious food (attendees bring what they can and a couple of local businesses also support).
I imagine many churches do the same.

Are you always this crass or do you just save it for MN and for kicking people when they're down.

There is so much expectation around Christmas and the pressure to be having fun with family. Whilst I don't have a big family I am relieved when everybody goes home and no longer feel the need to make sure everybody is enjoying themselves. Enjoy doing your own thing relaxing and spending time with the person you love.

What you've described sounds like heaven to me. I've lost most of my family and will be totally on my own at Christmas. Due to death and family health issues, I haven't had a Christmas dinner since 2017, and no presents. I absolutely hate it and cry a lot between now and the end of Christmas.

My friends know this and not one has ever invited me over. Not once.

I know this sounds pathetic but you really are very lucky.

Disgusting remark. You have no idea what her circumstances are.

We used to have three sets of parents (dh's parents divorced when he was young) to fit in over the Christmas period. Seems like a great extended family but just a nightmare getting to see everyone, people arguing about who got the key days and keeping everyone happy. I know that it doesn't help your situation but just to say that Christmas isn't always like it is portrayed in the movies.

Have you thought about going away for Christmas to a hotel or go on a skiing/hiking holiday where there may be others doing the same.

I feel the same as you, and I think a lot of people do. Christmas is many things: one is a genuinely joyful time for families; another is an opportunity for an annual gigantic competitive smug-fest by a certain type of person. It’s a time when many of us feel lonely and inadequate.
Perhaps for almost every adult above a certain age, Christmas brings mixed emotions of sadness as well as happiness if we’re honest.
My dad died on Christmas Eve and that affected the way I feel about it. But mainly the issue is that it’s that it’s just me and DH. We have no kids. Most of the year, like you, I feel fine and have a good life, but without going into gory detail here, Christmas brings home to me what I lack and makes me feel such a terrible failure that I haven’t created a perfect family of my own.
One year I almost had a full on psychological collapse, feeling that my life was ruined so badly. It’s been a bit better in the past few years. One reason is that I’ve organised get togethers in early Dec for extended family and friends ie cousins, sibs, nephews and nieces. Because these dos are not on actual Christmas, there’s not so much emotional pressure. The other is that basically, I realised people in our situation have to get a grip at Christmas and get it in perspective. The portrayals of family life on the Xmas films are totally unreal - huge big houses, lovable pretendy problems, everyone is rich etc. I just tell myself it’s only one day of the year and it’s ok for any perfect families that might exist to have a day that’s theirs. If the other 364 days are ok then that’s good enough for me. I’m never going to love Christmas Day again like I did in the past. It’s too much like a tedious Sunday in 1976 with shit telly, nothing open and nothing to do. But I do love Boxing Day - it’s such a long time before it happens again!

Put your decs up
start new Christmas traditions
help the homeless at Christmas? volunteer in a soup kitchen or homeless charity?
voukebteet to help at an animal charity Christmas Day if that’s your thing?

only suggestions but maybe it might help?