Christmas belongs to families

[JunoWhovian]

I have a lovely DH and a part time job I enjoy, I volunteer too. I have a few friends but with their busy lives, rarely see them. No DC.

I'm active and run a lot, go to the gym, am happy enough to see a film by myself and generally muddle along happily enough.

But then Christmas comes along and it triggers the huge hole in my life; I have no family. Just DH. He has no family either. I'm very lonely, on a sort of primal level.

I don't have anyone to buy presents for. No Christmas get-togethers, no invites - you wouldn't notice if I didn't exist. I haven't decorated for Christmas or put a tree up because there doesn't seem any point.

Christmas morning DH and I will go for a long hike, then I'll cook a roast while drinking Prosecco and spend the afternoon in PJ's watching TV or playing board games. There's no one to phone, no messages, no one to visit.

I'm usually positive and an upbeat person but this year is really, really hitting hard. Clearly feeling sorry for myself!

AIBU to think Christmas belongs to families, but doesn't really do anything apart from highlight being lonely for everyone else?

Your Christmas sounds lovely, you have a partner to spend Christmas with. I have spent the last few Christmas’s completely alone, I don’t have a partner and although I have siblings they all have partners and there are none I am close enough to that I feel I could join them and gatecrash their day. Surely your partner would notice if you didn’t exist and you could exchange presents together if you wanted. I’m not saying your feelings are invalid, I understand them, but you have a person to celebrate with and make the day special with if you want to.

Just me and the DP on the day. I don't mind at all really, but it was such fun when my parents were alive and there was a mad gathering in their house. Everyone got rat arsed and the old aunties and my granny would argue about who was worst off in the war years. I have an old VHS of the two aunties and granny having a barney.

But they are all gone now and my youngest sister too which is so sad as she LOVED Christmas so much. Oh well, life moves on.

We are lucky that our families live within 20 minutes of each other. Near enough but far enough ha ha. We see each other regularly throughout the year so I don't see much point in gathering in whatever house I get a kind invite to. I find it quite a sad nostalgic time TBH. Both my siblings have kids and grandkids so it is full on. We have none and I just get a headache and quite bored after an hour. I don't drink so can't get hammered either!

So we stay at home. On Boxing Day we go into the city to a very swanky hotel for lunch and people watching. I like that bit.

Hope it all works out OP. Make your own traditions, and believe me there are so many people out there who feel the same as you do.

I think Christmas is a bit of a red herring here and a thousand stressed out mothers dealing with in laws at Christmas saying how jealous they are of the ops quiet Christmas day is pointless. Also telling op that having extended family is shit is also disingenuous. I think it's fine to be sad that you don't have any family. Most people would be. There's no solution except to make the absolute most of what you do have and try to extend your friendship circle.

Im Sorry @JunoWhovian

Christmas opens up a deep loneliness in me too.

Just a suggestion. How about putting a tree up this year and each day you and your husband put something special on the tree! Maybe a bauble, a chocolate or a message to each other or suggestions of activities to do together.
Then maybe go away for a few days over the Christmas period to maybe a Warners Christmas stay, where there is entrainment and activities included.
When you return home, choose

Technically it belongs to Christians but I know what you mean 😁

You and your husband are a family. If I was in your situation I would put so many decorations up it would look like santa's elves had their xmas party in my house, treat each other to some great gifts and make it festive. Maybe go to midnight mass if you wanted to be with other people. I'm sure they'd be welcoming.

Love this post! Thanks Hbh17!

I’m not looking forward to Christmas as it’s the first one without my mum, she died earlier this year. My wonderful dad died years ago on Boxing Day.
They would want me to make Christmas special for my DC & DGC, which I will do but it will never be the same without my amazing wonderful parents

@JunoWhovian Totally agree that all the adverts even though it's primarily about how much crap they can sell rubs in the family stuff. I'd say very few people have an ideal family, let alone this 'perfect' xmas myth.
Agree with other posters who've mentioned volunteering. It doesn't have to just be for xmas either. To me it feels like being told that you must do this list of things because that's the status quo. I have other xmas hating friends who do non xmassy stuff as it's just such a depressing time for many people.
I imagine there are also voluntary positions with things like the salvation army where you can keep people with no one at all in the world company on the 25th.
Hope you find something that fills the hole xx

The grass is always greener. I lover christmas and I love my family. But I do feel a bit like I do not get to relax one bit and would love to just cook peacefully and then watch movies with wine or champagne. Instead, my dh and I share the task of looking after 3 dc and our dog (the dog is the easy one lol), cooking, cleaning, and I am the one wrapping gifts usually after everyone has gone to bed. I feel quite exhausted doing it all. I miss the lazy days of when I could just relax :) You and your dh can buy gifts for each other. If you work, perhaps suggest secret santa (cheap and cheerful).

Would you consider volunteering on Christmas Day?

Sending kind thoughts to you OP. I live half the world away from my family and find Xmas quite a funny time. You said you like to run and I just wanted to suggest you look into local running clubs near you? Or a weekly parkrun? I made lots of local friends and casual acquaintances through my running club and it was easier and more friendlier to join than i expected.

Feeling lonely with no family is better than feeling lonely with the family...

Allow yourself to feel whatever you like! There's nothing wrong with that. If you want to create your own version of Christmas that involves other people without a family or a version with just yourselves, that's fine.

This. I try to look at Christmas as just another day.

OP I’m actually jealous, your Xmas sounds really nice. I wish I had a partner to spend it with. Sometimes my DD26 is here for the holidays and sometimes she’s at her dads. But even when she’s here I wish I had a partner, I haven’t in years Mmmmmm had one for years so I feel like I’m missing out sharing that time and making memories with another adult that’s not my dd.

I posted about this recently - similar to you but am single. I have never dreaded Christmas as much as I am this year and I am finding myself shutting down. Trying not to but am really struggling. I am trying to find things to enjoy for myself - bought myself some new bedding, lining up reading etc. But it is very difficult and I feel for you. But with your DH perhaps you can make your own traditions. There are a lot of people in those big family situations who will be completely miserable.

I have felt this way and will again at some point I assume when my children are grown and wanting to do their own thing if mil threads here are anything to go by. Perhaps travel plans with your partner would give you something special and different to engage with?

I’m sorry to hear this OP. I feel exactly the same - only child, both parents passed. No family members at all except some cousins abroad who I’m not close to. Divorced. haven’t seen any family members at Christmas since my mum passed 10 years ago. I do have my own children and am so sorry to hear of your infertility. Despite being lucky to have kids, the feeling of being alone, adrift without being part of a larger family is very strong at Christmas. The rest of the year I just get on with shit. I go all out to make a happy Christmas for my kids and then just feel exhausted and sad for myself. Christmas is not good for anyone with difficult family circumstances.

As someone who had my child at the last minute, a total surprise... I’ve experienced many years as single / married no kids. So, I know both sides of the coin. Christmas with kids is totally different, I must agree. The magic of Santa & all of that. I never knew that before now.

I grew up with big family Christmases but don’t have a large family now. I feel sad about it and more so as I get older. I just make the best of what I have and try not to dwell on it.

Not sure if it’s been mentioned @JunoWhovian but you’re not alone - have you any friends that are going to be alone? Could you create a group where you all take it in turns to go to each other at Christmas or Easter/special occasions?
Also have you thought about going somewhere for Christmas dinner or going away? You may find it an ideal way of meeting people in the same situation as yourselves xx

I'd hate to say you're "unreasonable" - indeed, I don't even think this post belongs in here - but don't you have any friends? I was just invited to a holiday dinner by a neighbor, for instance. Why don't you start having a holiday party yourself, and try inviting a few people - especially single people?

" this is the lady that can't stand me, hasn't spoken to me for months and is only coming to see our cat, not her grandson or son, just our cat. "

@Frosty1000
Well since that's tecnically your cats guest, let the cat cater for her - for starters, raw stickleback on a bed of catnip, ( and since cat isn't allowed to touch the oven cos burny and can't reach anyway ) followed by raw fillet of mouse, with dreamies to finish. That'll fettle your guest, lol :D
Just kidding obviously but what a bizarre situation, lol.

That's a lovely idea.like your own advent calendar 😊

I think your Christmas sounds wonderful OP.

As a child I loved Christmas, used to spend all my pocket money on Christmas decorations the minute they came into the shops.

The last 'family' Christmas I had was in 1980. My family was living in the UK at the time (we travelling all over the world for my father's work) and were in the same town as my paternal Grandmother, who made a big fuss of myself and my two brothers. I remember at the time my mother was pissed off that my Grandmother was making a big effort to make it nice for us.

3 months later my father tried tricking my mother into to moving back to our home country... without him. He'd even arranged single accommodation for himself. His plan failed at the last minute. My mother still stayed with him, he started working abroad where we couldn't follow him. He finally left her for another woman a decade later.

My mother couldn't be arsed with Christmas when my father wasn't there. She only made a fuss if there was someone there to witness what a great mother she was - no audience, no interest. Last Christmas I spent with her (when I was 30, 20 odd years ago) I bought her a Waterford Glass ornament, with the year engraved on it...she's nuts about Waterford Glass. Straight after Christmas she hands it back to me, saying 'I won't bother having a tree in future, so this is of no use to me'... I was so upset. It was such a bitchy, hurtful thing to say and do. I meant it to be a nice memento of a time we'd spent together. She couldn't have cared less.

Yeah, so long story short, in my experience both Christmas and families are vastly overrated. Celebrate what you have.