Christmas belongs to families

[JunoWhovian]

I have a lovely DH and a part time job I enjoy, I volunteer too. I have a few friends but with their busy lives, rarely see them. No DC.

I'm active and run a lot, go to the gym, am happy enough to see a film by myself and generally muddle along happily enough.

But then Christmas comes along and it triggers the huge hole in my life; I have no family. Just DH. He has no family either. I'm very lonely, on a sort of primal level.

I don't have anyone to buy presents for. No Christmas get-togethers, no invites - you wouldn't notice if I didn't exist. I haven't decorated for Christmas or put a tree up because there doesn't seem any point.

Christmas morning DH and I will go for a long hike, then I'll cook a roast while drinking Prosecco and spend the afternoon in PJ's watching TV or playing board games. There's no one to phone, no messages, no one to visit.

I'm usually positive and an upbeat person but this year is really, really hitting hard. Clearly feeling sorry for myself!

AIBU to think Christmas belongs to families, but doesn't really do anything apart from highlight being lonely for everyone else?

I am sorry to hear that..
‘ Both family lines end with us’
Well that does sound sad- Except- So many families are horribly dysfunctional.

DS broke his leg once, and we watched Jeremy Kyle on morning TV
It was an utter eye opener as to how vile some people could be to their own children-
Literally mind boggling .

There will be many envying you and your husband having your peaceful Christmas-
I was thinking of not having a tree this year-
Son has own house now- But I do love a real tree, even a tiny one.
Why not get a little one? 🎄

Are you just this lonely at Christmas or all year round? Because if it’s all the time then you need to sort that out and get out there and make pals. My friends are like my second family. When my kids go to their dad on Xmas day afternoon my friends then come over and we have different celebrating. Christmas is about making your own traditions

Have you got local women's aid or other charity? You could phone and buy presents for them. Local care home - anyone in there not got family - could you buy them a present and/or visit? Help in a soup kitchen?

We go away to butlins every year for Christmas. I love being away and have no stress of cooking ect. Me my hubby and 10 DS go. I do have an older DS 27 who has his own family. I am taking my grandson 5 this year. We love going away as we get to really relax and enjoy time together. Getting up for a nice early beach walk, watching movies on TV, off to see shows and other entertainment. We see many older couples on our break too.

Can't believe people can be this insensitive.
As if that would fix everything.

There are people with kids who still feel lonely. Some have kids who are NC and kids who hate their parents.
Some have lost kids and so on.

Sorry OP but do try to make it a good day and enjoy yourself. There is so much to be grateful for and as some have suggested, try and make connections as a new year resolution.

My husband and I live abroad, we don’t have family close and honestly would probably avoid seeing them on Christmas for various reasons if they did live closer. We have children but I would happily ignore Christmas every year and I hate how it permeates everything. You can’t avoid it. Every shop every restaurant every school, doctors office, hospital, bank…. Even roundabouts… scream Christmas from even before Halloween now. TV, Radio….. trains!!!

make Christmas what you want. If you don’t like what you do, do something else. Why not volunteer somewhere? Why not travel to a non Christian country and just chill on the beach….. (that’s my dream Christmas!). Or spend next year making friends… and then have a massive Christmas party. Don’t let commercial messages dictate how you see Christmas. It’s not reserved for just for families. That’s commercialism….. It’s whatever you make it.

I don't have anyone to buy presents for. No stress about presents money

No Christmas get-togethers, no invites - you wouldn't notice if I didn't exist. No boring rellie visits, no drama-lamas

I haven't decorated for Christmas or put a tree up because there doesn't seem any point. No pointless waste of electricity or plastic tat

Christmas morning DH and I will go for a long hike, then I'll cook a roast while drinking Prosecco and spend the afternoon in PJ's watching TV or playing board games. Sounds like a nice day

There's no one to phone, no messages, no one to visit. No inane, once a year obligatory false conversations ('Yes, I'm fine thanks, not suicidal at all")

I'm usually positive and an upbeat person but this year is really, really hitting hard. Clearly feeling sorry for myself!
AIBU to think Christmas belongs to families, but doesn't really do anything apart from highlight being lonely for everyone else? Stop watching tv/going in the shops/buying into the marketing message that you're a loner/failure if you're not spending loads of money = a 'family Christmas'.

Christmas should be about celebrating the birth of a symbol of forgiveness, kindness and the 'eternal life' of goodness. A celebration of light over dark, good over evil, hope over despair.

I can't stand the consumerist shite shovelled out on the tv/in shops.

What you describe OP seems to go deeper than an issue about Christmas Day. Even though Christmas does highlight the various divisions in our society especially in families.

Hope some of the suggestions are of help to you.

Your Christmas sounds lovely.
I hear of all the Deana around Christmas and I’m grateful I have none of it. We enjoy it with our little family and it’s perfect for us.

We've got family. A sprinkling of relatives. My partner's adult, married son. Christmas day we have at home, just the two of us. It's brilliant. We do the family stuff at some point, but not on the actual day.

It depends on what you are celebrating. For me Christmas is about celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ and I can do that wherever I am and whoever I am with. I do understand where you are coming from, but remember - you and your husband are a family.

You're romanticising it OP I think your Christmas sounds bloody marvellous! A lot of people have abusive relatives and would absolutely swap with you for the peace, quiet and what sounds like lots of you time, and serenity.

Yes I can see how you might think it's lonely but you are also so lucky to have a DH that loves you and whom you love, and there's always stuff like volunteering.

It's swings and roundabouts - enjoy the good things!

The way you feel is perfectly understandable and YANBU to feel the way you do. You are also very very much not alone in the way you feel.

The Media - ALL the Media including Christmas Adverts from many Well known High Street Stores - portray everyone in the land having a wonderful, Happy Christmas Day, with lots of family and friends around them, lots of presents being handed around and great food. It is true that for some, that is how their day unfolds and they have a lovely day. For thousands upon thousands of people it is exactly the opposite and all the Hype beforehand makes their feelings so much harder to bear.

Many people spend Christmas Day entirely on their own: Widows/Widowers who for one reason or another have no children - or none who live anywhere near them and travel to see them ( or have them come to you) is not possible for a multiplicity of reasons. The same applies to those who are divorced or have never married. The list is endless

In addition, even for many of those who do have extended families and invite other family members from out with the immediate household, many of them find they have very stressful times. The kids get tired, they fight, the 'extra' relatives can be awkward and trying to entertain them can be very trying if they are elderly, a bit crotchety, stuck in their ways etc. Plus SOMEONE has to deal with the cooking of the Dinner and the stress that brings when catering for a larger number of people than normal

I am so sorry you feel like this, and I guess for you what it does is highlight the fact that you have been unable to have children and therefore you feel like you are missing out at Christmas. I so feel for you.

I don't know if it helps to think about the fact that you are not alone and that it is a complete fallacy that 'everyone else' is having a fab time. Many of them aren't. Even without a family though, it can be a nice time of year. Lots of events and things on which are enjoyable for adults as well as Children. I see your DH isn't especially sociable, but can you arrange to have nights out in the lead up to Christmas with friends and the like?

Your Christmas sounds amazing!

I do feel for you but are your daughters needs not coming a bit down the list? "She can join in if she wants to" doesn't cut it really.

I feel the same. I have just partner and no one else. He even goes to his mum’s on Christmas Day (she’s in a warden flat) and I’m on my own until he comes back around 6pm).

I decided to put decorations up for myself, I know it seems pointless but I love the idea of Christmas even though I hate the day. 🎄

You're right OP. But it's also the season of goodwill to all.
Could you invite neighbours around for an open house drinks on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day, and say their families are welcome too?
Could you arrange or at least suggest a social get together for the volunteers you work with?
You could attend a Christmas day service at a local church.
Look for local group hikes or wild sims on Christmas Day, Boxing Day or New Years' Day.
If you can sing even a little bit, find a church or choir that needs members and join them to do charity carolling.
I know none of this replaces the feeling you describe. But it helps make Christmas more convivial.

Family gatherings not all they are cracked up to be. There is usually some kind of fall out and tons of compromise, usually by the host.
Presents get returned and good wasted. Embrace a Christmas where you call the shots, keep at as simple or as fancy as gives you pleasure.
I'm looking forward an uncomplicated day and think your's sounds fab.
If you really don't feel it, there will be lots of volunteering ops in your area I'm sure.
It's gone in a blink of an eye and many people are glad when it's over!!
Have a good one xx

People with families don’t always have a great day either, Christmas Day is one of the biggest days that cause families to fall out.
you & your husband can create your own Christmas traditions; it’s not to late to start the for this year sit down & have a chat about what you both want your Christmas to look like.. get a tree decorate it together on a set date, decorate the lounge & hall way, get a wreath for the front door; on Christmas Eve have a special treat; maybe a meal at the pub, a takeaway with a bottle of your favourite wine with it, set a side a set a mount & buy each other some gifts make it that one has to be a cheeky one just for later on Christmas Day a sexy slip or silk boxers; sensual oil for a massage, on Christmas Day cook together then go for a romantic walk together; then head home for a light meal & more wine & an evening of nibbles & cuddles.
Only you can make your Christmas traditions together & make them memorable & special for you both but have a go this year could be the best one yet ❤️ xx

My situation is very similar, both my husband and I have no family at all due to both coming from traumatic backgrounds. A few friends much busier than me. A business we run from home. Now husband has decided to leave me, I will spend xmas alone in the hotel we had booked for our break together. The situation terrifies me. I would give the world to have my beloved husband say we will stay together, but that is not happening. Enjoy being with your husband, I truly envy you.

I'm sorry you feel so down about it. Not a quick fix, but maybe it's time to make some new friends? Running and the gym are great for your health, but not necessarily sociable. If you like being active, how about a local walking group? Much easier to get chatting, more sociable. As others have said, you could also volunteer. Homeless shelters and other charities would be glad of your help. If you keep busy, you might look forward to spending the day relaxing with your OH? ......and why can't you have a nice Christmas tree? I'd definitely buy one and go the whole hog on Christmas Eve, roast some chestnuts, make some mulled wine. Maybe even go to midnight mass? I'm not particularly religious, but I love Christmas services.

I don’t think anyone really has the ideal Christmas you think they do, it’s like comparing a real relationship to a fairytale. So in that sense, yes, YABU.

You are focusing on what u don’t have not what you do. Some people are totally alone and have no partner, or in an abusive relationship (as you were in the past?), cannot afford Christmas dinner or dealing with traumatising and abusive situations with family.

With the cost of living crisis, the stress of having to find money for presents is something it seems you don’t have to worry about. You also work part time and can afford to volunteer and keep your gym membership. Many would see you as lucky and it’s not true you have no-one to buy presents for, as you have a DP.

As PP said, I don’t know why you aren’t bothering to put up a tree for the 2 of you to enjoy. You can also create new traditions or plan different things each year if you are bored.

You already volunteer, but perhaps something with the homeless over Christmas or making up and delivering Christmas food baskets for low income households might change your mindset.

Some friends have also gone down the adoption route if they can’t have children biologically, which has been very rewarding, especially providing a supportive family for older children who can be hard to place.

Sending hugs OP. I do understand where you're coming from, but your Christmas can be just as lovely. Before we had DC, hubby and me would spend Christmas day together. Book to go out for a meal , or sometimes cook a roast. Exchange presents , go for a walk then spend the afternoon / evening binge eating , drinking and watching boxsets and movies. They are honestly some of my happiest Christmas memories.

Like others have said , maybe volunteer helping others. It may bring a bit of festive cheer back into your life xx

A few years back I was due to be on my own at Christmas because my DD was at her dad's. But it actually turned out to be really lovely, I was invited to share Christmas lunch with a grown up family from Church and it was so much fun seeing all their traditions and taking part in games. And then in the evening I hung out with my Airbnb guests over soup and snacks in the kitchen. Honestly one of my most memorable Christmases.

These days I try to invite anyone who is going to be alone, and make it a fun time for them. There are always those people, they are not hard to find!

I don't have anyone to buy presents for. No Christmas get-togethers, no invites - you wouldn't notice if I didn't exist. I haven't decorated for Christmas or put a tree up because there doesn't seem any point.

Don't you have friends????

And I put up a Christmas tree for me. Because I enjoy it and like to celebrate. I’ve celebrated the last 2 Christmases on my own (COVID) and had a lovely lovely time.

You need to find reason to celebrate and enjoy life for you, for you own sake, simply because you exist. Do what you enjoy.