Christmas belongs to families

[JunoWhovian]

I have a lovely DH and a part time job I enjoy, I volunteer too. I have a few friends but with their busy lives, rarely see them. No DC.

I'm active and run a lot, go to the gym, am happy enough to see a film by myself and generally muddle along happily enough.

But then Christmas comes along and it triggers the huge hole in my life; I have no family. Just DH. He has no family either. I'm very lonely, on a sort of primal level.

I don't have anyone to buy presents for. No Christmas get-togethers, no invites - you wouldn't notice if I didn't exist. I haven't decorated for Christmas or put a tree up because there doesn't seem any point.

Christmas morning DH and I will go for a long hike, then I'll cook a roast while drinking Prosecco and spend the afternoon in PJ's watching TV or playing board games. There's no one to phone, no messages, no one to visit.

I'm usually positive and an upbeat person but this year is really, really hitting hard. Clearly feeling sorry for myself!

AIBU to think Christmas belongs to families, but doesn't really do anything apart from highlight being lonely for everyone else?

It's so lovely that you do this. Christmas must be a tough time for you and yet you still try and get into the Christmas cheer. ❤️

Thank you. I know the meaning behind it well, having been raised within that tradition.

OP is free to light a candle if she wishes, and free to enjoy winter cosiness if it will help. She’s also free to disregard entirely, if the idea doesn’t appeal

I haven't RTFT but I feel the same way, OP. Sending hugs

I don’t understand why you won’t even put up a tree and some fairly lights? I would do that even if I was on my own. Sounds depressing. Isn’t it enough that you and your dh are there to enjoy it? Just do it op, start a new tradition. You are still young!

@JunoWhovian I totally understand how you feel and feel similar. I've name changed to reply.

I have good friends and a partner but very little wider family.
My friends all have their own families, parents etc so Christmas is more lonely.
I do lots in the lead up but the day itself is just us and it feels wrong and empty.

We just get drunk tbh.

The thing most guaranteed to piss me off is 'you're so lucky you don't have to deal with family at Christmas'. Erm, fuck off!

Before we had children DH and I once went away and spent Christmas Day at a spa hotel in the Austrian Alps, it was bliss. They put on a Christmas dinner and there were enough people there skiing that it didn't feel lonely, but it was amazing to have a change of scene and do something just for us.

I have elderly widow neighbours. They decorate their windows and front gardens for Christmas, and I enjoy it every year. If they are out when I walk my dog I always make sure I tell them it looks nice.

I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm also sorry you had to read such an insensitive comment.

I used to be alone at Christmas, no partner no pets. I'd always decorate the flat and have a good stash of sweets, I never used to drink. Around lunch time Id go and do some visiting, usually my elderly grandparents in the next town. I did used to get a bit sad but it was only for one day.

Now I have two kids and a hubby. The start of the Christmas period (November 🤣) is usually me running about and racking my brains about what to get the kids. I get all the shopping in, which usually gets eaten wayyyy before christmas. We go to parties where I usually end up driving while the hubby gets pissed. The kids just eat all the sweets and fight over everything. Yes it can be lovely but honestly, enjoy your Christmas with your partner, it sounds blissful xx

I’ll be your family!, that post resonated with me. I don’t have much faith ily either and the family I do have tend to spend time without me.

Hmm. I's not great to be a middle aged single woman sleeping in your childhood bedroom arguing with family members either. You have a DH, which so many people are jealous of at Christmas.

Maybe go out to a long lunch on Christmas Eve and walking around the shops; you will have opportunities to chat with people in the pub and feel part of the hustle and bustle.

Is there anyone you'd like to invite? Maybe start a tradition of a Boxing Day or December 23 or New Year's Day open house at yours? Just drinks and snacks from 3-6pm, or something like that give it a theme like champagne or hot chocolate or mulled wine attendees need not be close friends but neighbours, the postman, anyone you encounter in the area? I realize that's a stretch if you aren't one for entertaining but having a little drop-in do can be fun, just put time limits on it.

Those people with the big families probably envy you. Not having to see in laws, no bickering, more time to relax etc.
Christmas is very rarely the perfect day for anyone and the grass is always greener.

I am so sorry you feel that way. I haven't read the whole thread so sorry if these things have been said before but a few things:

• do you like animals? Perhaps you could get a pet - cats are low maintenance although I am definitely a dog lover. It won't help you feel more Christmassy but may help you feel more part of something in life overall.
• decorate the house for YOU - who says there is no point?
• start your own traditions - perhaps go to a carol concert, see Christmas lights or ice skating, start making memories and traditions that become rituals for the future.
• hobbies - you could do wreath making, candle making etc - there are expensive courses which give the opportunity to meet people or you could go to hobby craft and make your own.
• christmas cards - why not give make and give Christmas cards to your colleagues?
• festive baking - a lovely way to get in the Christmas spirit. You could bring the bakes to share with colleagues.

I know how you feel. When we were a young married couple we spent Christmas Day at my parents house, along with my older brother, his wife, our children and theirs, plus my two younger brothes and my sister. There'd be 12 of us all squashed around the table on borrowed chairs. It was chaos but fun.
Years later my parents and my husband have died, along with my youngest brother. The other two brothers live abroad so we don't see them until Summer. My sister spends it with her daughter and I spend it with my daughter and son-in-law, then go home boxing day and that's it. No family parties, or meals out, just me on my own.

How do you get on with your colleagues? Is there anything Christmassy on at work? Perhaps suggest to colleagues grabbing a Christmas coffee or something together. Not a big party but start building up some events of your own? New traditions?

OP I'm the biggest Grinch going, never happier than when it's December 27th and it's alllll over BUT I will put some lights up and a few decorations, it cheers things up a bit. Don't feel there's no point - in my house it's just me and DP too for most of Christmas but there's something comforting about warm lights and a bit of tinsel. I hope you have a good long rest and recharge at least.

Yours sounds like a lovely Christmas. Perhaps drink prosecco together but it's a perfect day.
Could you do your volunteering thing on Christmas day? it may then seem more purposeful.

id go away for christmas if I didnt have to be around for family

Tangled Very, very sorry, I did not mean to be offensive. I honestly do not know, having been raised in trad Christian environment, whether you find all the pre-Christmas excesses as irelevant/mildly offensive as I do. I still cannot get happy with the idea of chocolate or other indulgence advent calendars, for example. OF COURSE children like them, but their pleasure-without-understanding is not really the point.
As for candles - well, so long as they don't pollute/damage the atmosphere, which so many do...
Feel such a killjoy - don't intend to be.

I am sorry you feel that way and that you go on about lines ending with you, though that kind of comment makes me despair of humans generally, as if people were all about their descendants, as if their genetics were so so important like Henry the Eighth etc yada yada as if everyone has to add to the 8 billion we have at the moment and that every worthwhile emotion is connected to family.The reality is different...Everyone's line ends eventually or we get blown to oblivion by climate catastrophe or Putin.

Some people are estranged from their children.I saw a neighbour with Parkinsons during the pandemic and his kids totally neglected him.However,if you want a child can you have one or could you foster one and give it the Christmas experience if that is your heart's desire? I personally find the endlessness of Christmas quite unbearable and the rows though I do admit to not liking being alone but my only option this year is to pay 130 quid plus taxis for a four hour celebration in a posh restaurant when people are on the streets.Personally I would open Wetherspoons for a more communal Christmas.
.
We may all need to live in villages and help bring up all the kids but unfortunately the tyranny of family, worse after the pandemic, overcomes all- for the moment at least.The cosy adverts make life worse and create a sense of failure for many people alone or dumped or childfree or child less.Being forced to stay in due to no transport, is like a junior version of lockdown.One feels punished for something that is not one's fault but buses for a few hours could at least help one get out a bit and stop a lot of domestic abuse and loneliness for non- car drivers.Paris keeps its transport going and so does New York.

You have a husband and prosecco..it you want something else invite some friends who do not have anywhere to go..If you are going to feel you have failed because you have your so called 'loser' waif and stray friends and not genetically related people to spend Xmas with, do not do it.It will cause them pain.Or look into fostering....
But Xmas should also be about community and friends too,.

Hi OP I agree with you - to a point. I think “traditional” Xmas is designed for families and it is very hard when you don’t have that as everything in the media, on tv, in retail etc can feel acutely less than in comparison.

But I agree with PP’s - forget that blueprint of how Xmas is “supposed” or “meant” to be done & create your own.

Starting your own traditions help - be it a walk elsewhere on Boxing Day - going out to a different lovely pub in a different region & having a long walk & a meal (a lot of walker type pubs serve their usual menu on Boxing Day & don’t elevate prices) actively do things where there are others getting out & about too & it will feel less acute in comparison.

There’s nothing stopping you from using the holiday /time (money permitting) to travel & do citibreaks. You can get a real perfect fix of Xmas there - esp from certain countries without any of the hassle yourself & will notice a lot of others doing similar. Having other distractions such as sightseeing, sunbathing or doing activities takes away that empty dragging of Xmas & focus on other things. Or you can get away from the restrictive U.K. western Xmas altogether & be doing amazing fun things without the tyranny of expectation & guilt & shame (that is meted out) & longing that comes with it.

Obvs if finances don’t permit then day trips out can absolutely help.

I agree doing little rituals for you definitely help too - lighting your home - collecting a new tree decoration each year maybe from somewhere you’ve visited & decorating a tree can feel a lovely thing even if you don’t have the perfect family to appreciate it.

Or you could start viewing the holiday as purely about celebrating the light in the dark winter, good food, some little treats for you & your OP & getting joy even from the smallest things eg in my case watching my dog tearing open his presents!!

I’ve found when been in a similar position that doing boxes for charity enormously rewarding & involve far more thought & consideration choosing low cost & necessary items to put into a box for a young child or person who may be in desperate need of it (depending on the charity) far more meaningful & rewarding than buying the generic wasteful tat that most present buying involves.

I always think it’s ridiculous the kind of pity that is doled out towards certain groups at Xmas as though people who maybe live alone 365 days of the year are unable to all of a sudden cope on one day of the year - that is more about consumerism, stress & status than much else (when it boils down to it). Children are only children for a certain time & there are many other groups of people existing in the world who don’t have the perfect family set up.

Break free & embrace it! You’ll be surprised how many frazzled, stressed out & unhappy people envy your calm & peaceful Xmas done exactly how you want it.

My family has a big Christmas get together each year. But my parents are divorced, my cousin is an alcoholic, and there are always lots of on going family feuds throughout the year. I also have a very estranged relationship from my parents but not sister, so it's a tricky dynamic.

I avoid going home for Christmas, but might have to this year as it's been a while and I am being guilt tripped into it.

My point is... the grass isn't always greener. I would love nothing more than spending Christmas completely alone and I'm dreading spending time and money on travelling to a horrible Christmas spent with arguments and drama.

Your Christmas sounds lovely and I don't want to invalidate how you feel but I'd definitely swap with you! If you do feel a bit lonely could you maybe look at expanding your network of friends, especially ones in similar positions?

sorry for the lengthy rant but I find Christmas almost pathological and toxic in th UK and US and getting so on the continent though shorter.Not all mumsnet are in nuclear families?why don't the people who feel sad and live nearby get together? Not everyone will be a psycho😆

This. I would feel the same as you OP.

I think it sounds like the ideal Christmas for many!