Hour many hours sleep at weekend

[sleepyrant]

I'm trying to establish what is normal for a grown adult male.

My DH seems to think that 12/ 15 hours is normal.

And that I am a nag/ unreasonable for suggesting that sleeping like a teenager is normal for a grown arsed male.

Should I LTB?

No adults aren't a uniform bunch all have varying needs for sleep. Google long sleepers and short sleepers. Also sleep disorders.

That amount of sleep is abnormal and I’d find it very unattractive

He won't entertain the idea that he has a sleeping disorder. He says it's what most adults do.

I'm 29 so a youngish adult, majority childless people go out with their friends on the weekend, Hobbies are weekdays or occasional sport if they are into that.

When I was ill last week he absolutely did not get up. He let me get up ill to let the dogs out. He claimed he didn't hear them bark. His sleep trumps all.

Well, like I've said several times, this clearly goes way deeper than his desire for a lie-in - lots of adults love to sleep in but are still capable of getting up to sort their animals' needs before going back to bed.

Personally I wouldn't stay with a grown adult who neglected his pets in the way you describe either 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP what would happen if you stayed away for a night or had a very early yoga session then when straight out for coffee afterwards so you were not back until lunchtime ? Would the dogs have pooped and weed everywhere ?

Would be such a shame wouldn’t it 😉

No because on the occasions that I am not here he can get up. Odd that. So yes perhaps you have a point lobster I just prioritise the way it makes me feel and the way he models the behaviour to the teenagers and think that any adult who valued relationships with other people would put them above their desire to sleep above what he does for the dogs. But you do you.

The fact you said he didn't hear the dogs bark could be true. I often can't hear alarms I can sleep through fire alarms for example on occasion. If he doesn't want to go to the Gp and can still work it's very unlikely he's going to change. I've had a sleeping disorder my entire life even with medication I still often have a lie in on weekends. I've just had major abdominal surgery and I've slept about 16 hours a day this will probably continue for 5-6 weeks as I always have a relapse of symptoms when I'm ill. My DH will have to do the school run for 9 year old and feed the cat. He accepts it and it's very patient, we have a cleaner to assist with chores. I will go back to work in probably 6 weeks time.

Haven't read through the whole thread.
My DH goes to sleep at 9.30PM at weekends and will stay in bed until 9AM but he has 2 chronic autoimmune diseases.
I sleep a lot as well but wouldn't stay in bed past 10AM of a weekend unless I was unwell

I'm glad your DH helps.

I'm sure it helps him that you acknowledge your sleeping disorder.

What really bothers me is that I am being told by DH that this is normal and most adults sleep like this which I know is not true. If he does turn out to have a sleep disorder then I will see things differently. But I'm not sure what more I can do that plead with him to either get himself assessed (we could afford to do so privately) or prioritise sleep less.

I hear what you are saying about the fact he might not hear the dogs. But he does when I am not here. Odd that.

Yes, this. @sleepyrant I don't know if you saw my earlier post, but let me be more explicit: you don't seem happy in your relationship. Please consider some alternatives.

And to answer your OP (again) I don't think you're unreasonable in your expectations of the average adult's sleep. And I do believe that sleeping patterns can be an indicator of overall happiness with one's life and circumstances.

I just prioritise the way it makes me feel and the way he models the behaviour to the teenagers and think that any adult who valued relationships with other people would put them above their desire to sleep above what he does for the dogs. But you do you.

I just don't think someone needs to wake up at an arbitrary time on the weekend to prove to me that I'm important to them.

I also don't think a parent of teenagers needs to wake up or eat breakfast at a certain time to be a good role model.

If I was married to someone who would genuinely let their dogs piss and shit all over the floor because I was unwell in bed, I'd think it said a lot about how they felt about me I suspect our marriage would probably be over.

If I was married to someone who would genuinely let their dogs piss and shit all over the floor because I was unwell in bed, I'd think it said a lot about how they felt about me I suspect our marriage would probably be over.

^^ sorry, that should be "...and I suspect our marriage would probably be over".

Those aren't the actions of a kind person who loves their partner.

Exactly.
These are the actions of someone who prioritises his supposed need for yet more sleep over the health of his partner.
He also prioritises his supposed need for yet more sleep over the happiness of his partner and any concern for improving their relationship which looks like it's heading rapidly for rock bottom, due to his entirely selfish behaviour.

Why should he prioritise sleep less though?

Because you say so?

What are you going to have him do if he gets up at 8? Sit about drinking tea?

He's probably avoiding you. I would.

Honestly OP you sound really unpleasant. Unwilling to entertain any other viewpoint, twisting and turning the argument, desperate to be right. I’d stay in bed if I was him too.

Thank goodness you are on this thread.

The vipers are out making out that I'm an evil woman.

Jesus. Some people have their bar set so low, not even the best limbo dancer get under it 😂

I know. What an evil woman I am for having expectations of my healthy husband to be present in our marriage and to model good behaviour to our kids.

I don't disagree.

He's selfish and he sounds neglectful and unpleasant, but it's not his sleeping habits that make him that way.

but it's not his sleeping habits that make him that way

Well I beg to differ. It's not his need to sleep that makes him that way but it is very illustrative of the problem.

Well, yes, they indicate a problem because he uses lying in bed as a way of opting out.

But I can guarantee that if he suddenly stopped sleeping in, he wouldn't miraculously become the nice, considerate partner you want him to be.

He'd find something else to do as an excuse to opt out.

His sleeping habits are hugely indicative of his attitude though.

@CourtneeLuv earlier said Why does what you want trump what he wants?
Well why does what he want trump what she wants every single day? And if she questions it she gets accused of nagging?
Compromise would be great. One day of lie-in, one day of getting up at a reasonable hour so things can be done and he can let his own dogs out for once. But no - the man's got to sleep - again.

All vinegar, even with someone who is trying to support you.

His sleeping habits are hugely indicative of his attitude though.

Yes, but if it wasn't sleep, it would be something else.

Men like this always manage to find a way to opt out of life. Some lay in bed all morning, some play video games all day, some go and tinker in the shed, others watch football or play golf.

The point I keep trying to make is that choosing to spend your free time in bed doesn't make you selfish in and of itself.

He's clearly useless but he's not useless because he likes his bed, he's useless because he uses it as a way to opt out of adult life.