To be annoyed we weren't informed of death of estranged relative?

[Problemorno]

Hi all. My DM and I have been NC with my grandmother (DM's mother) for many years. She was physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive to my mum, and emotionally abusive to and showed blatant favouritism with her GC (my brother and I were not the favoured ones and we knew it).

However, I am friends with my uncle (DMs brother) and his wife and son on FB. We aren't especially close but nor are we estranged.

Much to my shock, I discovered this morning that my GM has passed away. Back in July! And we were not informed. I only found out because I was researching my family tree on a genealogy website and came across her obituary. It's definitely her as she had an uncommon maiden name, and the age and location also add up.

I think it's terrible they didn't at least tell my mum. Yes they were estranged, but she was still her mum and my mum was still her daughter and she had a right to know IMO. My mum is not sure how to feel about it and nor am I.

But I'm not sure wether we have a right to be annoyed? I'm more upset on my mum's behalf rather than my own.

This sums it up exactly. We have recently lost a family member and decided not to tell their son as he cut them out of their lives 20 yrs ago. We have witnessed the hurt for that time. I don’t care why they were no contact, the funeral is a time for us to say goodbye, if he wanted closure he could have achieved this when they were alive.

One of my aunt's DCs was NC for years. Then they turned up at the funeral. It was horrendous and so incredibly selfish of them. They couldn't make any effort when she was alive but wanted to be feted as a grieving relative (and 'given their place') once she was gone. It made everything much harder for those who had been in contact and cared for her during her final illness. It felt like hypocrisy that they could make an effort once she was gone.

‘Taken’ by whom?

I hope your DH has specifically asked someone to tell him, and that person is willing to take on that role, even if his mother says ‘don’t tell him when I die.

It is hardly fair to accuse anyone else of ‘taking away’ an option that you yourself have shut down.

Sadly I have to agree that going to the funeral would not be right. I do think that it was wrong to hide the death from OP however. I personally would be upset if my abusive grandparents deaths were hidden from me but I did not attend their funeral for many reasons and the stories I heard made me glad I did not. My aunts never learned how to behave and my mother had to call the police on them because they started LOUDLY arguing about money and assets while the priest was still talking and even became physical with one another.

Apparently my grandmother owned part of an oil business that I had no idea about? Their house was quite literally falling apart (there was a hole in the kitchen wall and they lived with mice) so I always thought they were poor but it turns out they just hoarded money I guess. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm not going to go to a funeral for a person I never liked or talked to for years but she was still my grandmother and it may sound strange to say but I did cry for her and mourned her death in my own way. But I was not about to impose on the rest of my family. They knew how I felt about her and my presence would have merely upset them. Plus they knew I'm not religious and that further upsets them. It's confusing because they get upset when I don't pray but if I bow my head in respect of prayer that also upsets them. They will never be pleased whatever I do I suppose. 🙄

My first reaction and my vote was for YABU. If you aren’t part of someone’s life I personally would assume you wouldn’t want to know.

That being said.. I am not NC with any family and do not know how that feels or what ‘unfinished business’ may have existed between your mum, you and your GM. This perspective is unique to those NC with their family and I note a number of posters who would share your feelings. So you are probably NBU, but perspective is very important.

im sorry you and your mum did not get closure (if you wanted it)

I think they should have told your mum.
Yes she was NC but for understandable reasons, does her brother accept/ believe her reasons?
I think a card , email or phone call to say just let you know mum died on xx would have been a good thing to do.
Possibly they were worried about the funeral or the will or your nan told them not to contact you or maybe they thought you wouldn't care. But I think your mums brother should have mentioned it.

This ^^

I said
The poster "knows her brothers" , you stated the poster " used to know her brothers ".

I said "whatever" as in , what difference does it make ?

That's v odd - we've had a few people in our family who've passed away but didn't speak to their children/ex partner/parents/siblings. We always sent a text, or possibly a phonecall if we didn't think it would end in shouting and arguing etc!! it seemed the right thing to do and rather they found out from someone they knew than in the paper etc

no one said anything about making peace WOTH a dead person

If you're NC then make your peace privately instead of showing up to the funeral against the wishes of the deceased and remaining family. It's that simple. If you're not a well-wisher, you shouldn't be at a funeral, estranged for not. It's upsetting for the family.

I'm estranged from my Mother. I hope no one does tell me when she dies, to be honest, but I very much doubt this will be the case.

Either make peace with the person while they're still alive, or come to terms with it privately.

A more concise explanation of my point! Absolutely no reason to wait til death to make 'peace'. That's called making a scene.

My df wasnt talking to his brother for a few years then found out in an obiturary that he died-i unerstood he wa upset but i dont know what he expected

your gm must have told them not to tell you and your mum and they honoured her wish

Because just because we knew someone in the past does not mean we know them now. People change as they mature and age.

I agree , my mum died last year .my brother had not spoken to her for 5 years or anyone else in our family. I thought it would be respectful to inform him of her death . What a mistake , he turned up day after her death took all my mum's documents completely took over , arranged the funeral how he'd like it totally bulldozed our family .we were left clearing her house took 10 weeks was exhausting . I now hate the cunt even more than I did . Wish I'd never told him !

I wouldnt have told you.
You are no contact , so that is that 🤷‍♀️
How many ways do you want things. You cant pick and choose exceptions to your no contact rule and expect people to know what they are.

That's irrelevant , if someone thinks their relative is a will sniffer then they aren't going to change their view about them . Time passing by has nothing to do with it .

I suppose the counterfactual - I was NC and someone told me she died. How dare they? It's opened it all up again. How can you expect someone to know your wishes? Were you even certain in advance of hearing what you wanted? If so why didn't you tell the uncle? If not, how could someone else know?

I have estranged relatives. Didn't tell them about a close relatives death as quite frankly I couldn't deal with their reappearance while I was grieving.

They've now found out and are being pretty toxic so I'm glad I've had a bit of time to process my loss before they got involved.

I'm terribly sorry that your brother acted like such an ass! That's terrible behaviour. I'm in support of telling all members and close friends of the deceiced but it does not have to be the day of or even the week of. I however do think hiding it for months or years is wrong. If you suspect it will cause drama I am in support of waiting till after the funeral and telling them however you see fit. Whether it is a letter via snail mail or a text message or through a third party such as a friend or a relative with thicker skin.

Whole thing is a nightmare.
My partner was estranged from his father as a teen. When we had DC1, I wrote, and his wife wrote back but we never got further than Xmas cards. We did not meet up. When he died, my partner was not told. I suspect this was because he would have been a beneficiary (no will) but as to how he felt, he didn't know what to feel. They had had no relationship for decades.
When his stepfather died, his stepbrother said nothing. Again, this was difficult. From the stepbrother's point of view, his wife had done all the end of care and we had been LC for six years. It was what it was.

My sister is NC with our father and now myself. When he was very ill, I let her know. I still think that was the right thing to do. When he nearly died a second time, my sibling told her. She is still NC and I have no idea what will happen when the time comes. I would not prevent her the closure of attending a funeral, but I suspect she would be grieving a past relationship/what she wanted it to be rather than a current one as it is non-existent. She has already grieved I suspect.
Maybe she would not attend as it would feel hypocritical.
From her side, if she died first, I am pretty sure my father would be banned/ unwelcomed, as would I. I would respect her wishes and would grieve in private. But as she decided to be NC with me, and has ignored any reconciliatory moves on my side, then I have had to come to terms with that by already mourning her.
Me turning up to her funeral would just cause pain and anger if against her wishes.
If I die, she can turn up and cry if she wants, but my children and their father would give short shrift to such a display.

If someone had chosen to go no contact with me ,I’d be dammed if I wanted them at my funeral,in fact I’d actually leave written wishes they were not welcome .

My DB was estranged from our DF for the last 25 years of his life. I told my DB my DF was ill and then that he was dying and when he actually died. I also made sure my DB received half of my DF’s estate as I couldn’t find a Will saying he didn’t want my DB to inherit from
him.
I arranged all the funeral and my DB chose to attend.

We are not NC with anyone but have relatives that are NC with each other, it is really hard to know the right thing to do when something significant happens to one of them. It is such an uncomfortable position to be in.

If you decide to cut someone out of your life then surely that applies in death as well as in life. I don't think you have a right to be annoyed - you can't have it both ways.