To be annoyed we weren't informed of death of estranged relative?

[Problemorno]

Hi all. My DM and I have been NC with my grandmother (DM's mother) for many years. She was physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive to my mum, and emotionally abusive to and showed blatant favouritism with her GC (my brother and I were not the favoured ones and we knew it).

However, I am friends with my uncle (DMs brother) and his wife and son on FB. We aren't especially close but nor are we estranged.

Much to my shock, I discovered this morning that my GM has passed away. Back in July! And we were not informed. I only found out because I was researching my family tree on a genealogy website and came across her obituary. It's definitely her as she had an uncommon maiden name, and the age and location also add up.

I think it's terrible they didn't at least tell my mum. Yes they were estranged, but she was still her mum and my mum was still her daughter and she had a right to know IMO. My mum is not sure how to feel about it and nor am I.

But I'm not sure wether we have a right to be annoyed? I'm more upset on my mum's behalf rather than my own.

Thank you . It was hard. I think not speaking to him for all that time I'd actually forgotten what a bastard he was and always will be . When you are grieving you don't need it . He turned up to absolve himself of his guilt and take what he thought was his entitlement . It caused a lot of pain on top of the pain he'd already caused my mum . Total Git !

Bit late making peace with a dead person,
People that don't bother with someone for years then turn up crying at funerals are strange.

That must have been very difficult. It is a sensitive time for everyone. Those closest to the deceived have a right to a peaceful period of mourning and a quiet funeral. Those who are estranged though they may be sad too and are allowed to feel that way will have to wait and find time to mourn in their own way. I myself have planted a maple tree in honour of my grandparents in a local park near my home.

We have also planted new shrubs and trees that she loved in our garden for her.

And if I ever see my brother again I will plant my fist in his face 🙏

My cousin was no contact with my granny. She turned up at the funeral, sat in the front row and shook hands with all the mourners. We (the rest of the family) were disgusted.

I think there is a massive difference between NC and "drifted apart" and the people involved will know which it is.

To turn up uninvited at the funeral of someone who you are actually NC with is odd, undignified, attention seeking behaviour (and yes, I've been in the position where I could have attended the funeral of an estranged parent and I most certainly didn't)

DH is NC with both his parents and his one sibling.He has half siblings.
He says he's not interested in hearing about what happens to them and won't be going to any funeral.
They are both in their 80's and divorced.
They really are an awful family and I understand him wanting to be NC with them.
But I do wonder if anyone will other o get in touch if and when anything happens

You cant make peace with a dead person!

Ahhh that's actually the truth. OPs DM wants to know if she hasn't been cut out of the will. I don't think you can accept money morally from someone you have been NC with. It's just grabby and classless..

YANBU My Mum was NC with her sister, but my cousins let her know when she was at the end of her life and when she passed away. Just because you are unable be in a relationship and be close to someone doesn't mean you don't care about them

Many funerals turn into horror shows and Maybe they wanted a peaceful time saying goodbye to someone they loved!

It's all very well inviting people who didn't love the person but what if they turn it into a farce all about them?

Some people cant act responsibly and keep their feelings to themselves.

I loathe my mil if I ever go to her funeral,I will outwardly show respect but inside.... I had a horrible time with her.

However some people wouldn't be able to be respectful and do that'.

So depending on logistics, size of funeral etc, no . I wouldn't expect an invite or to be told because as much as anyone may loathe the deceased, the funeral is for those really that loved that person

@Wiccan my brothers dud the sabe the day after my dad died , hence why I know they will be there after my lovely mum finally goes. If anything they have got worse and greedier as they have matured. They fell out shut my mum as they wanted her money now .

I'm sorry you went through that but seriously the end of your post was just semantics.

My DH is NC with his eldest. SS and his wife have been physically and verbally abusive towards both of us and did a public hatchet job on SM. It's been seven years this final time.

My DH doesn't want a funeral in case they turn up and make a scene.

We have cut them out of our wills. It's going to be hard for me to keep it quiet if my DH goes first, but I can't risk the potential violence from them.

I was shocked by how devastated I was by the death of a close NC relative. (Horrible person but the NC was their choice and part of their control/abuse tactics.)

It wasn't so much the usual grief and loss because I'd already gone through that. But there was the loss of the opportunity to ever get closure, whether by saying goodbye, saying my piece, making peace or any of the other scenarios played out in my mind over the years. That little bit of hope for a better future was gone. It also brought back an avalanche of horrible memories at a time when I wasn't well placed to deal with them.

With that insight if I was ever in OP's uncle's position I'd be very reluctant to get involved.

@PeachyPears I agree with this. If you are willing to devastate a parent in life by cutting all contact, I don't think you get to make yourself feel better by attending their funeral.

Someone's funeral is about paying your respects to the deceased. If you didn't respect the deceased, you really shouldn't go to their funeral - it's not therapy.

Tell your husband to get some counselling instead and leave the funeral for those who were there for MIL in her life.

I'm not saying you are unjustified in going non contact - I'm sure you are, but despite this I still don't think you would be right to turn up where people are grieving. Even if your husband is grieving too, he chose to cut himself off and I think that is the case for the funeral too.

The end of her post wasn’t ‘just semantics’, it was actually highlighting an important distinction. Words matter. There is a difference between LC and NC.

@binglebangle567 My DH is well known locally and someone would say something on SM. His other DS lives abroad and he would need to be told or would see something on FB. DH has decided on a direct cremation and a later celebration of his life, so hopefully the violent and abusive ones will not find out as I wouldn't tell my DSS until after the cremation. He will tell older SS I expect. Party can be kept a secret. DH is deteriorating so that's why we have plans in place.

NC = NC. It goes both ways.

Yanbu. I think it's only right to tell an immediate relative. Regardless of whether they were speaking or not. You may not have been invited to the funeral but I think it's only fair and decent to tell the person.

Even though it could cause a scene and possible violence at the funeral?

The thing is, OP, we're all coming at this from our own experiences. We have our own situations in mind when we post and that shapes everything about it.

My view is that if you go no contact then that means you want no further contact. If you specifically plan ahead and think about the event of death and what that means to you then - if it matters - you ask to be notified of that. For me that would be odd but I'm not you.

I was estranged from my dad for the last fifteen years of his life. He was an appalling father who really damaged my Mum and my brothers and I decided I wanted nothing more to do with him. My Mum actually stayed in contact (I think for our sakes) and when he died three years ago she was informed and told us. I was upset/shocked but only for a day or two. I didn't go to any funeral, there wasn't one, it was direct cremation but the point is, if there had been one, being no contact would have made me reflect on my actual rights to attend or for anything to do with my dad.

How you feel is how you feel. In this era of electronic comms, nobody is truly lost to us and in a way it makes things harder as people search/look up even when they say they are not interested. It would be better for the person wishing to cease contact to declare to themselves that said person is gone for good - and then let it be.

I'm sorry for the reasons that led you to going no contact. I'm sure they were good ones and totally validate how you feel. This will pass.