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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel embarrassed and ashamed at children’s parties

164 replies

Spidermanversuselsa · 27/11/2022 08:09

Dd had a friends birthday party last week, for the last 5/6 months or so I’ve dreaded taking her. I have to watch her v closely the whole time and step in for her behaviour a lot. She was never like that before and had no issues.
She was getting so angry during the game it pass the parcel, screaming at a boy to carry on passing it round, then had a screaming and shouting meltdown when she didn’t win the main prize at the end, I had to carry her to the toilets to calm her down, with her screaming & shouting & biting my shoulder. Next she was getting upset as a boy was pushing her, it was his fault but she got so upset and angry and couldn’t calm down. I generally end up leaving early these days and crying on the way home. It’s a big friendship group and some of the kids have grown up together, so I end up missing out on spending time with the mums etc, I can never relax.
I feel everyone must be thinking how rude and out of control my Dd is. She’s a bright, lovely girl and can have periods of being lovely and back to herself, is this just a phase or something more?
I feel like we just can’t go anymore

OP posts:
Original poster
Spidermanversuselsa · 27/11/2022 08:10

*Of pass the parcel

OP posts:
Keepitrealnomists · 27/11/2022 08:11

How old is she OP is that makes a massive difference

Allsnotwell · 27/11/2022 08:12

What is she like at school? How old is she?

Original poster
Spidermanversuselsa · 27/11/2022 08:12

@Keepitrealnomists Sorry, she turned 4 over the summer, she didn’t even have the typical terrible twos tantrums etc, it’s all now

OP posts:
susan12345678 · 27/11/2022 08:12

How old is DD? If she is 2 or 3 it may very well be a phase which will soon pass! This sort of behaviour at parties is quite common at that age even among otherwise well behaved children. The excitement of the moment gets to them

TeenDivided · 27/11/2022 08:13

Is she like this elsewhere?
Is she finding the whole environment over stimulating / stressful?
Does she last for half the party, if so could you take her late to the next one so the overall time is shorter?

Original poster
Spidermanversuselsa · 27/11/2022 08:14

@Allsnotwell She’s 4 and just started part time pre school in September, the huge anger etc started a few weeks after. The teacher sometimes tells me she’s been fidgety that day but nothing major. We arranged a meeting because of the way she now is at home etc, but the teacher said she can’t see anything wrong and she sits and does her activities etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Spidermanversuselsa · 27/11/2022 08:15

@susan12345678 She’s 4

OP posts:
AlwaysLatte · 27/11/2022 08:15

Maybe she gets overwhelmed, by the whole thing - would it work if you try some of these party games at home in a calm environment so that she can get to grips with the rules and learn that she won't always (or even usually) win? Seeing the rest of the family not overreacting when they don't win either might help?

Original poster
Spidermanversuselsa · 27/11/2022 08:16

@TeenDivided This was at the start of the party, she does get v excited. She wasn’t like this before and has been to these sort of parties since being v young

OP posts:
Original poster
Spidermanversuselsa · 27/11/2022 08:17

@AlwaysLatte We've explained it to her and she’s had her own mini party with grandparents where we played it, none of the other children were like this 😔

OP posts:
MilkyYay · 27/11/2022 08:17

Does she get plenty of sleep? If she's never been away from you before being at preschool will be exhausting, she may need early nights for a while to manage.

My friends DD is like this because her parents keep up her up late because they like to eat out.

Original poster
Spidermanversuselsa · 27/11/2022 08:22

@MilkyYay She goes to bed at 7, falls asleep by 8, usually wakes around 7, although she’s been needing less sleep/waking earlier since the clock change

OP posts:
Phineyj · 27/11/2022 08:24

My daughter (who was later diagnosed with ADHD and ASD) found parties really challenging. I remember having to fireman's lift her out of one at that age...

Your daughter is likely just being 4, but remember parties aren't compulsory. As DC get older the "take a few kids bowling" type party gains in popularity which is easier for kids who find big groups overstimulating.

People also probably aren't judging you like you think they are. They'll be focusing on what their own DC are doing.

Happyhappyeveryday · 27/11/2022 08:24

Do you use sanctions if she performs like that? DD had a short phase of doing similar and teaching her consequences such as no sweets, leaving early and naughty step once home quickly sorted her out. Like your DD, she was lovely in all other ways, just hated losing. I vividly remember being absolutely mortified when she screamed and cried so loudly after being out in a musical statues type game. I feel for you, OP.

Phineyj · 27/11/2022 08:25

I think learning to lose gracefully at games is a massive life skill and takes a lot of practice!

Ladybug14 · 27/11/2022 08:25

Role play at home before parties and make sure she loses all the games

Once she gets used to losing she might be better at acceptance at parties

RudsyFarmer · 27/11/2022 08:25

Honestly OP I’m sure this will come out in the wash. Don’t worry about it. The children I knew at 4 that were raging around the place are now well behaved children at 6/7

i think school will be the real test. If she can control herself in more regimented environments then I suspect she’ll be absolutely fine ♥️

grayhairdontcare · 27/11/2022 08:30

Maybe play a few games with her at home and do not let her win.
A few consequences for her actions.

NosyNeighbour22 · 27/11/2022 08:30

My dd always used to cry about not winning party games at that age. I think it was because she was only child at that point and not used to losing! Do you always let her win when you play games at home? My dds dad did so I would make sure I won some of the games we played and tried to teach her how to lose graciously!

Original poster
Spidermanversuselsa · 27/11/2022 08:32

@Phineyj She loves going so much though and is very sociable

OP posts:
Fluffyrugburn · 27/11/2022 08:34

My ds 6 is very similar. Absolutely hates losing and will fly into a rage. School sports day was a challenge! Also had to take him out of karate as he'd get so mad when getting tagged in games. He's an angry little boy in general but can also be so sweet and loving. He loves babies and animals. I don't have any advice op but just solidarity as I'm in the same boat 👊

Itisbetter · 27/11/2022 08:36

How does she react when she loses at games at home?

Keepitrealnomists · 27/11/2022 08:37

My LB hated losing at that age now he's 6 and fine if he loses. Does she display these types of behaviors at hone or just in these group settings. Childrens parties and christmas is so overwhelming. Big hugs!

Wasywasydoodah · 27/11/2022 08:38

Role play at home, play games she loses as well as wins. Explain that if she starts screaming then you’ll take her home and she’ll miss out on cake/games/whatever. Explain this to party host in advance. Then follow through with consequence. Hopefully it will be a learning experience whatever happens. She’s only 4 with big emotions. It’s ok!