To feel embarrassed and ashamed at children’s parties

[Spidermanversuselsa]

Dd had a friends birthday party last week, for the last 5/6 months or so I’ve dreaded taking her. I have to watch her v closely the whole time and step in for her behaviour a lot. She was never like that before and had no issues.
She was getting so angry during the game it pass the parcel, screaming at a boy to carry on passing it round, then had a screaming and shouting meltdown when she didn’t win the main prize at the end, I had to carry her to the toilets to calm her down, with her screaming & shouting & biting my shoulder. Next she was getting upset as a boy was pushing her, it was his fault but she got so upset and angry and couldn’t calm down. I generally end up leaving early these days and crying on the way home. It’s a big friendship group and some of the kids have grown up together, so I end up missing out on spending time with the mums etc, I can never relax.
I feel everyone must be thinking how rude and out of control my Dd is. She’s a bright, lovely girl and can have periods of being lovely and back to herself, is this just a phase or something more?
I feel like we just can’t go anymore

It sounds like you really are trying to discipline her. In every kid's party there is nearly always 'that child', but at least here you are stepping in and not letting her spoil it for everyone else.
She will improve but you need to come down hard. Expose her to a lot of games and situations where she loses. The second she starts screaming, crying, whatever, remove her and the fun stops, she can then join when ready to behave. If she still doesn't. she's taken home. No nicey nicey about it.

It's usual for young children to be self-centered. DC went though a stage of wanting to blow out the candles on the cake at every birthday party we went to. Eventually they learn that it's not the social norm and they need to comply. It takes longer for them to learn to genuinely be pleased for others.

It is a very difficult stage, and it most likely is a stage, all you can do is ride it out being consistent (both parents) with expectations and consequences. If is starts acting out at a party you pick her up and walk straight out the main door immediately, theres no point trying to reason with a child once they are in that state. I personally wouldnt take her straight home, if she managed to calm herself after ten minutes id go back in and if it happened again we d go home.
I would adjust the sleep schedule so she gets at least the number of hours good sleep she was before the time change and stay linked in with the preschool teacher re how Dd is with changes to routine, transitions from one activity to another (particularly if it means leaving something she really enjoys) and freeplay with the other children in the home corner for instance. Unlike home she cant be the one in charge of the games/roles all the time in preschool so the bossiness and outbursts etc can be a reaction to that where she can (or thinks she can!) be in charge outside of that environment.

@YellowTreeHouse is it making you feel better trying to put OP down even further than she's already feeling? Easy to do from behind a screen isn't it. Are you lacking in other areas of your life? Must be wonderful to be a perfect parent.

OP if it started when she started pre-school then it must be connected. She knows how she should behave for the teacher but lets it all out in front of you

@Spidermanversuselsa She will grow out and of this. DD is 9 now and although we didn’t have sharing issues, we had crying and clinging issues. Now if we go to a party of a friend from a different school for example where all the kids are ones she doesn’t know she’ll look uncomfortable and not talk but then get on with the activity when it starts. As they get older all these things lessen. Yes you need to roleplay for sure, but also giving it time will help. Things will naturally get better. Whilst your waiting for her to grow up, maybe accept every other party, not every single one. And practice lots of roleplay at home. And please don’t worry so much. In a few years you’re biggest regret will be worrying so much when she was just showing pretty standard 4 year old tantrumming

My daughter found them really hard - my son even harder - they both struggle to read emotions - really struggle it’s a face blindness.

m we discuss feeling a lot eg look at this picture what do you think they are feeling etc ?

She sounds like she may be neuro diverse to me, my youngest is the same. The signs appeared around 4ish years old. I feel for you - we basically only take him to parties with structure where we know he'll cope well and if we see him bubbling up (losing emotional regulation) we make excuses and leave.

It's hard but it's not deliberate, and like you, I have ended up completely mortified at times. Try and support her with strategies for when she's overwhelmed (scripts to say, coming to you etc) and it will get easier.

I just wanted to send you a big hug. I've been there myself.
I have two NT children and two ND children.
It was actually my daughter who is NT that played up during parties at this age,

She went through a phase aged 4/5 where she would scream and shout, kick and bite me when I tried to calm her down.
I used to feel so mortified.

Just remember you are doing your best, and this is not your fault.
I would say (in my opinion) that it is just a phase for your daughter that will pass as it did for my daughter, particularly as you say she skipped the "terrible twos".
For my daughter this started during her last year at pre school and started to improve once she started in Reception.

I hope your group of friends are supportive and understanding as that means everything,

Walk through party beforehand so she knows what to expect. Explain that she might not win pass the parcel and get her to think through how she will feel and what to do.

Get her to think through how to behave during food, when you arrive/leave etc.

The fing 4s. Its a thing.

I found 'the incredible years' course really useful and they do a book you can buy online.

incredibleyears.com/programs/parent/

Not going to be a popular comment but are there any new people around her ie she is not being abused?
You could run her behaviour past the health visitor but you have probably good advice from here.

I was that child. Horrific time at parties until the other parents stopped inviting me. I was then always excluded.

Mine was the early indications of neurodivergence and in my case ADD (ADHD).

Just in case.....read up about it and treat her gently. But It may not be this at all.

I really really couldn't help it. It's a lot for a small person with ND to cope with.

When she was shooting at the boy, I definitely don’t think she could control it and it isn’t malice, she’s become so short on attention, she can’t wait a second and will get so irate so quickly, again, she wasn’t like this before.

@Whydidimarryhim God, no, she’s only ever with us and at pre school, pre school is the only time she’s away from me.

@newnamequickly This is also my fear, I have such guilt about her always being told off recently and having such negativity from us (we’re trying our very best with challenging behaviour) if she can’t really can’t help it.

@Spidermanversuselsa if she is ND and you recognise and support her she'll be just fine.

I have two ND children, now adults, and have walked this walk as a parent as well as a child.

What will matter to her is you understanding her difficulties when she can't voice them. At that age, especially in social situations it can be a confused bundle of over stimulation and occasionally rage. They haven't learnt to self regulate, that can take a long time alongside meds if need be.

There are many positives if it's ND, I promise. What you see right now is one of the ways her neurological systems are struggling with regulation. If she is ND she could be just wired slightly differently.

You'll get there. Big hugs.

Some children seem to be fine at school but they hold they're frustrations in. It's a bit like shaking a bottle of coke without taking the top off. But when they are with they're family the top comes off and it all comes out.

If she has won a pass the parcel previously. She might be expecting the same to happen again. I know one child on the autistic spectrum who they used to let him win at pass the parcel to avoid a meltdown. He turned into a very spoilt controling child.

It takes longer for them to learn to genuinely be pleased for others.

This is such as important point from @Goldbarabout learning to be genuinely pleased for others.

@Spidermanversuselsa I'm not saying you're not modelling this at home, but make sure you are modelling this at home, iyswim! It sounds a bit wanky writing it down like that, but it really does pay off in the end.

Btw I'm not promoting female socialisation - more a sense of 'sportsmanship' (to use the old fashioned word) and being able to say the childhood equivalent of 'well played' or 'how lovely it is that that person is happy; it's nice when other people are happy too'.

Best of luck mate

Bollocks that it's down to poor parenting and all the other little darlings sure there nicely because they've been parented to.

My DC1 never did this and never had to be taught not to - DC2 did and still does, despite being removed from situations. Parented same way. (DC2 has SEN)

OP your daughter is only just 4. That's very young. She cannot help it.

ND or not, she won't have full emotional regulation yet. Please don't get angry with her for showing emotions when she doesn't have control over them. For whatever reason she's really struggling at the moment and needs your love and help to regulate, and ideally to help her work out what's wrong and how to deal with it. Really repeatedly about emotions, and work repeatedly with her on other ways to react WHEN she's calm, not straight after the party.

You can still set firm boundaries, just do it in a loving way.

I wonder if being at preschool has meant she is starting to make more comparisons between herself and others, is noticing when other people are praised, get prizes etc, whereas before she was more focused on just herself, rather than other children?

Also, is it possible that because she is well behaved at school she is missing out on praise for "basic" things? So the child who finds it hard to sit on the carpet gets "well done for sitting nicely" and the child who shouts gets " well done for using your quiet voice". But for her it is taken for granted that she can do these things, so she isn't praised for them, and is getting frustrated - which then comes out in behaviour elsewhere?

What would happen if as well as modeling and setting expectations, you offer loads of praise at home when she does little good things - like playing nicely, doing something independently! To fill her cup up a bit?

4 is a really difficult age IME.

It sounds to me like she is overwhelmed at the party. Some things which have helped with overwhelm for my older two who would both get like this are to run through a kind of practice run previously, where you explain what is likely to happen and how she should behave. Do role play. Parties with teddies etc.

On the actual day, set her up to succeed. Big breakfast/lunch/snacks all morning that she is likely to eat a decent amount of, so she's not hungry - if that means she doesn't eat much of the party tea, that doesn't really matter. Don't do anything else on the day except for the party. Spend some time with her before the party so her "attachment tank" is full.

Prob just a phase OP. She's very young and has recently started preschool. They feel their emotions very intensely at that age. Maybe try to figure of the why behind her behaviour? Don't worry about what the other mums think.

I would not assume she's ND straight away if this is only the start of this behaviour.

The fucking fours are definitely a thing. My DD was fine at 2, 3 was a bit testy but 4? That was hard work. Objectively, with the benefit of hindsight she was a bloody nightmare . It spilled over a bit into
5 but she's 6 now and is much better.

Different kids will find different situations overwhelming and just let rip, I guarantee you those other kids who just sat nicely will have their moments at one time or another, you just haven't seen it.

What does she say? When you talk to her?
I'd sit her down very calmly say you need to talk to her. Say the way she behaved at the party was not ok. And you don't want to stop her going to future ones, but you will have to if it doesn't get better. Ask her. How do you feel about that? What do you think?