To feel embarrassed and ashamed at children’s parties

[Spidermanversuselsa]

Dd had a friends birthday party last week, for the last 5/6 months or so I’ve dreaded taking her. I have to watch her v closely the whole time and step in for her behaviour a lot. She was never like that before and had no issues.
She was getting so angry during the game it pass the parcel, screaming at a boy to carry on passing it round, then had a screaming and shouting meltdown when she didn’t win the main prize at the end, I had to carry her to the toilets to calm her down, with her screaming & shouting & biting my shoulder. Next she was getting upset as a boy was pushing her, it was his fault but she got so upset and angry and couldn’t calm down. I generally end up leaving early these days and crying on the way home. It’s a big friendship group and some of the kids have grown up together, so I end up missing out on spending time with the mums etc, I can never relax.
I feel everyone must be thinking how rude and out of control my Dd is. She’s a bright, lovely girl and can have periods of being lovely and back to herself, is this just a phase or something more?
I feel like we just can’t go anymore

@Itisbetter She’s ok, a year or so ago she used to get upset, not angry, but we did a lot of explaining about how we don’t always win etc and we’d have games where she’d win, then we did and mix it all up. It wasn’t just that though, she got so angry at the boy for not passing it on and screamed at him, then she wouldn’t calm when in the playground part after she was pushed

And yet there are zero issues at present school?

Too much sugar?

Sorry not present school. Pre school

Some DC are dreadful at 2, others at 3 and some at 4. I found my two DC a lot more challenging at 4 and my SIL even had a name for it 'the fucking fours'

Well done for removing your DC from these situations and not allowing her to spoil the party for everyone else. If only all parents were do considerate when their little darlings are acting up!

I second the sleep thing but my DD is only just about to turn three.
She's trying to drop a nap and the impact on her behaviour on the days she doesn't nap is just incredible. I know she is a year and a bit younger but it really highlighted how tiredness impacts behaviour for me.

My DS was really easy going as a baby and toddler, no ‘terrible twos’ - have you heard of the ‘fucking fours’?! In our experience, definitely a thing, and more of a shock for us I think as was effectively our first rodeo because he was so easy before, so we didn’t have a tried-and-tested collection of strategies to use from toddlerhood.

He’s 5 now and, I think, getting there slowly. Loads of affection, clear consistent boundaries, and kindness to yourself because it’s hard!

I’m not sure she has to be happy about being pushed or losing but she does need to be able to advocate for herself. At the moment rightly or wrongly she gets in a lot of trouble when things go wrong for her. What do you want her to do that would make you proud?

Keep your eye out for signs of neurodivergence, particularly autism / adhd, have a read about how these present in girls. It’s common for children to mask at school,

@Ladybug14 This is the thing, her teacher says she’s ok

@FatGirlSwim But the thing is, I don’t see how this could come on so quickly if that’s the case

My daughter was like this at 3/4 and has calmed down now at nearly 6. We could never leave a party without full on massive meltdowns, screaming, crying etc. She would be fine at losing games but wouldn't want to leave. About half way through parties she would also have a bit of a meltdown but would then calm down again. I thought possibly ASD at one point but I think it's usually just a right of passage for that age.

Re. The parties, we had a couple of parties where DD went off her head. Had to fireman lift her out once whilst she was swearing and screaming. It still gets talked about with people I know, although we laugh about it now. It turned out she was reacting to the artificial sweeteners in the juice. And whilst she has never liked (and still doesn't) big social occasions the juice exacerbated her behaviour.
It only seemed to start around age 5, as that was when I wasn't controlling what she was drinking/eating as much, and at parties other parents were topping up her cup.

@FamKeNekson What was her meltdown like halfway through and at the end? These are horrendous

What is she like when you play games at home? Do you allow her to win or do you win so she can understand it’s ok not to win

Sound’s like she will grow out of it but you may need role play and demonstrate how to play with others

She is very young. Parties are very full on for children at this age. I was still having to go outside with DS 6 beCause he couldn’t cope. It’s fine now 12 months later

I would just take a deep breath and know that this too will pass.

@Imogensmumma Shes ok at home, she went through a stage of being upset but not angry when younger and we explained how sometimes we don’t win etc. We mix it up so she wins sometimes, then we do

@olympicsrock What behaviour did he have?

It could be just a phase in her development, but I would also keep an eye out for neurodivergence. She may well have been coping up until now but the new pressures of pre-school etc. might be challenging her. She may be coping during the day - masking - but behaviour then breaks down at home, at the weekends etc.

@maskersanonymous Would she be best not going if that’s the case? I don’t want to put extra pressures on her 😔she seems like a different girl to me, it’s so challenging

My eldest was like that at the stage and also never went through the terrible 2s. He was diagnosed with ASD and ADHD at 5. He gets very overwhelmed in busy places and I had to shadow him and dreaded parties.

@Fundays12 What age did he start showing signs? Are things a bit easier now

Do you give her some expectations before the parties?

You need to say if you behave then we’ll do X when we get home, any crying hitting screaming and we leave straight away - explain it to the host and walk -

Its surprising how quickly they come round.

There have been a lot of threads lately about this sort of behaviour at the age of 4. I wonder if the frightful 4s is the new terrible 2s? Maybe delayed because of lockdown?? I don’t think you’re alone OP. My daughter was a very forceful personality at that sort of age, but is a delightful teenager now. I hope yours will grow out of it.

@Allsnotwell Always have to say that before we go now

Is she an only child, OP?