To feel embarrassed and ashamed at children’s parties

[Spidermanversuselsa]

Dd had a friends birthday party last week, for the last 5/6 months or so I’ve dreaded taking her. I have to watch her v closely the whole time and step in for her behaviour a lot. She was never like that before and had no issues.
She was getting so angry during the game it pass the parcel, screaming at a boy to carry on passing it round, then had a screaming and shouting meltdown when she didn’t win the main prize at the end, I had to carry her to the toilets to calm her down, with her screaming & shouting & biting my shoulder. Next she was getting upset as a boy was pushing her, it was his fault but she got so upset and angry and couldn’t calm down. I generally end up leaving early these days and crying on the way home. It’s a big friendship group and some of the kids have grown up together, so I end up missing out on spending time with the mums etc, I can never relax.
I feel everyone must be thinking how rude and out of control my Dd is. She’s a bright, lovely girl and can have periods of being lovely and back to herself, is this just a phase or something more?
I feel like we just can’t go anymore

So the second she screamed you picked her up and took her away? Then how was she screaming at the end?

@YellowTreeHouse She was screaming and shouting when she didn’t win, so yes that second I removed her

@Todaynotalways If it’s a phase, how long do these phases generally last? Seems a while now

Right but you said she was screaming at another child during the game so she shouldn’t have been allowed to get to the end.

She behaves like this because you’ve given her the impression this behaviour is okay because you’re letting it happen.

Other children don’t behave like this because it’s not acceptable and they have been taught this.

I was going to say something similar. Chat to her first about how the games work. Tell her there are lots of children and not many prizes so most of the time she won;t win and that's fine. You could promise her a couple of little party style prizes waiting for her back at home if she remembers to be calm and kind.

Practise saying, 'Your turn' and 'well done' to other children and feeling proud of herself for doing it and knowing you are watching and every time she gets a smile of thumbs up from you it goes towards a small present waiting for her back at home.

@YellowTreeHouse No, she’s always taught this.
When she did it the first time, I went over and spoke to her and said I’d take her away if she didn’t stop

Just to clarify, is the issue just not winning or acting out at parties, or are there are other behavioural issues that have begun since beginning of the summer and occur at home as well as in social groups? Its common for children to hold it together in that environment and unleash a tsunami of emotion at home - has tje teacher said anything about DDs reaction if routine changes in preschool?
You say she 'is waking earlier/needing less sleep since the time change', tbh I think this could be a factor as it seems to tie in with her behaviour getting much worse over the last month. Its unlikely she suddenly NEEDS less sleep though she is getting less sleepy, id work on trying to adjust that, getting into bed 30 minutes earlier and see if that helps

Re your prev message, no other children were doing it, THIS TIME.

And phases seem to last for just long enough to feel like they're permanent - then slowly pass, and are usually replaced by another, also annoying, phase.

@YellowTreeHouse Also, have you just come on to make me feel shitter about a situation I already feel crap about? She’s always been taught how not to behave and is always disciplined. This is why we’re struggling so much, nothing works, she just can’t seem to control herself and we try our very hardest to help her

We notice our own children's behaviour much more than other children's so it's quite possible she's not the only one struggling. It's not atypical behaviour for a 4yo... many don't behave like this but lots do and they all have their moments. She will learn in pre-school/reception to interact more successfully with other children and about being part of a group and going along with things even if you don't like them - my 4yo in reception has improved so much in this regard since starting school after several very emotional outbursts to begin with.

You don't have to apologise for or be embarrassed about her behaviour... she's acting in a way which is quite normal for her age group. What you do need to do is address it... so when she starts kicking off, give her a warning and then if the behaviour continues, remove her immediately from the room to calm down. If she goes back in and then the behaviour starts again, remove her from the party and take her home.

Have you been very clear before the party about expectations? You need to say that if she spoils a game you will leave and she will miss out on playing any other games and the cake etc.
But, she’s only 4 and some kids just find parties too much - there’s a huge amount of stimulation and excitement. Maybe for a while you can arrive nearer the end for the cake part and avoid the games part.

How about telling her that if she misbehaves you will take her home. And follow through. You'll only have to do it once or twice before she realises that bad behaviour has consequences.

I hope you don’t mind me asking - is she a birth child?

@Goldbar @HolidayHappy123 @Greydogs123 We do all of those things, we left the last party early due to a meltdown and always discuss expected behaviour before we go in

@MILLYmo0se Huge behavioural issues since starting pre school. Lots of shooting, screaming, crying, being very angry & bossy etc

As suggested by PP I think you could try lots and lots of role play at home. Then super clear rules about what happens if she is badly behaved.

@Sadpaddington Yes? Our own child via ivf

There's always a child having a meltdown at a 4 year old party. My youngest used to be a bit like this. What worked for me was any time there was tantrum crying (obviously wouldn't do this if they were crying for any other reason) I would immediately remove him and take him outside. I wouldn't get angry or tell him off, just calmly keep explaining to him that he couldn't be in the party if he couldn't play the game without having a tantrum. Usually the crying would get louder and more fierce for a while (which is why I made sure we were outside, well away from everyone else), and I would be as calming and an comforting as possible (big hugs), while making it clear that we couldn't go back to the party until he stopped. Then at some point he would give up, stop, and ask to go back in. Then he wouldn't do it again (but if he did I'd just repeat the whole process). The other parents were nothing but sympathetic and it didn't disrupt the party as I made sure he was taken outside as soon as he showed any behaviour which could become disruptive.

@SomeBeings Yes, we’ll do extra role playing at home too.
Even as a friend was leaving (she had a little gift from the host for her other find sick at home) my Dd was asking her if the present was for her, it just comes across as her being spoilt all the time

No. But she wouldn’t be behaving like this if she didn’t go.

Until she can control herself and behave appropriately she shouldn’t be going to any parties.

I think the screaming at the other child was so the present could get to her quicker meaning she would win, she just lost control of herself. It doesnt sound like there was any malice in it. I think there are limited strategies you can use when it is a total loss of self control & you are already doing all the things properly to prepare her. It genuinely sounds like she can't help it. Is she a competitive child in general? Some children are & at my DDs parties we never played pass the parcel, all the kids waiting and hoping they might win while basically just sitting there, it is a lot to expect from young kids. I know they can't win all the time but at a party they're meant to be having fun. I think your DD will settle, she maybe needs some more reassurance in general right now, is she remorseful after? I looked after a child who used to explode and then be so upset and ashamed after. Maybe a book on big feelings would help?

The signs were always there when I looked back. He would hide under the hood in his buggy and insist it was pulled forward. He also didn’t like toddler groups whereas a my other kids loved them. He was a very easy baby and easy toddler. His sleep regressed at 20 months no he barely slept. It was really noticeable at about 4 though. He got so overwhelmed at birthday parties, found nursery too busy (big nursery), hated changes and new people. He has noise sensitivity and really struggles in busy places. He is old enough now just to be able to tell us what he can and can’t manage a lot of the time now.

Ah ok, the reason I asked is I have experience with children who are adopted. In many cases starting school can trigger trauma responses (where there were few/none before) even if adopted at a very young age.

What are the consequences for when she behaves like this? Do you have time out, naughty step etc… ? For my DC they had warnings such as doing that again something would happen like naughty step, the favourite toy at the time would be confiscated for the afternoon and so on ….

My DD is 11 now and at high school. I can kind of remember the kids who acted out at parties when they were 4, all fine by 6-7.

She will have missed out on some normal party experiences at 2, because of lockdown, so is doing it now. The other kids might have siblings they lose to (and who don't do as they're told) or know each other better, or even just been around kids more and have lower expectations.

Good luck, all she needs is a parent willing to work through it with her and she has one.