To feel embarrassed and ashamed at children’s parties

[Spidermanversuselsa]

Dd had a friends birthday party last week, for the last 5/6 months or so I’ve dreaded taking her. I have to watch her v closely the whole time and step in for her behaviour a lot. She was never like that before and had no issues.
She was getting so angry during the game it pass the parcel, screaming at a boy to carry on passing it round, then had a screaming and shouting meltdown when she didn’t win the main prize at the end, I had to carry her to the toilets to calm her down, with her screaming & shouting & biting my shoulder. Next she was getting upset as a boy was pushing her, it was his fault but she got so upset and angry and couldn’t calm down. I generally end up leaving early these days and crying on the way home. It’s a big friendship group and some of the kids have grown up together, so I end up missing out on spending time with the mums etc, I can never relax.
I feel everyone must be thinking how rude and out of control my Dd is. She’s a bright, lovely girl and can have periods of being lovely and back to herself, is this just a phase or something more?
I feel like we just can’t go anymore

She might feel her life is more predictable if she went to preschool five mornings a week.

There did seem to be a pattern of this being more common in only children when my kids were little. It was quite pronounced and I think was due to the fact that they just did not have as much practice as 'not getting their way'. They needed longer to learn how to deal with that. There were also some parents who really thought they were being consistent..and really weren't. Not saying this is the case here but I guess it's worth considering those variables. Also, as others have said, maybe watch what she's consuming? The amount of sugar they can get through is stunning and can make them feel really quite ill - which of course does not help small people manage emotions. When does she find out about the parties? Is too long a lead up just too exciting to manage? Can you just mention them on the day? Lot of kids who were like this were not NT by the way - there are other reasons for finding such situations overwhelming. Most of them have grown up to be calm and sensible teens. Preferences for smaller gatherings for some is quite clear though and for some people this is just never going to be their preferred way of socialising.

@BlankTimes So this is autism or adhd?

So this is autism or adhd?

@Spidermanversuselsa Not necessarily, a lot of the posts on this thread are from people whose child behaves/behaved similarly and isn't ND,
@astuz for example.

I've known four year olds (and older than 4 too) that have had the type of meltdowns you describe. Only one of those children was eventually diagnosed with ADHD, the rest of the children are neurotypical.

If you are worried about your Dd having ADHD or ASD have you spoken to a professional for guidance (such as her GP)?

I would say that the behaviour is unusual enough to consider ND as a possibility. However it may be a phase and they'll grow out of it.
I won't say I've not seen behaviour as you describe, but it isn't common by 4yo. The question I think for me is whether you are downplaying the behaviour or overplaying it. It's difficult to tell because as a parent it's easy to find it embarrassing when if it was any other child you'd be thinking "oh poor thing, they'll be okay in a minute" or alternatively it's easy to make excuses (eg they're just tired today)

My ds, who has ASD, used to find parties too exciting, so I used to ask the parent if they minded me bringing him late. 30 minutes of running around playing exciting games meant he'd then sit nicely and have tea having had a lovely time. 45 minutes meant he didn't really want to sit nicely and have tea, but had a nice time until that bit and was normally persuadable to stop. 1 hour meant he was thoroughly worked up over the excitement and that was when problems happened.
So I'd time his arrival to give him around 45 minutes play.
Maybe that could be an option for you.

But I would do as others have said, tell exactly the behaviour you want to see beforehand while they're calm and that you will take them home if they do behave like that. And tell the host too, so you can literally scoop up and exit (and apologise later to the host). No shouting, no biting etc. Then if they start, if they are still in enough control to listen, bend down, get their eye contact and say that you will take them home and is that what they want? With ds that worked well. As he learnt, he'd sometimes then ask for time out then, so we'd go outside, sit down for five minutes and talk about something non-exciting then go back in. If they're not in enough control then just scoop and remove outside. They may manage to regain control once they're out and they realise you meant it.
You can choose if they do to either give the first time as a warning (make it clear to them that if it happens again then they go) or just go home. Personally I'd go for the warning if they calm down pretty much immediately. If they do have another temper though, I'd take them home.

Also just keep a look out for triggers. One of the boys in my form at school got hyperactive off azodyes. He'd normally be fine until party tea or if we had a game which involved eating sweets and then he'd be bouncing. Once his family had worked that out (which took years if I remember rightly as that wasn't a thing back in the 80s) then he'd not eat the triggers which meant he was fine.

@Spidermanversuselsa in response to your question - absolutely awful and uncontrollable , feral and completely unconscious if that makes any sense! She wasn't able to stop it. Doesn't do it anymore.

I don't have experience of a four year old yet (mine is just under two) but for what it's worth it sounds like you are doing all of the right things. I wonder though whether your daughter might be picking up on your (understandable) anxiety and frustration with the situation and that's making her even more unruly as she doesn't feel safe. I'm sorry to say that as like I said, it sounds like you're doing everything well and I know if I read that I'd feel guilty. But I've been doing lots of research into child behaviour as I have a feisty one, and that's one if the things they mention - the importance of doing your best to help them see that it's ok to express their feelings, and to make them feel safe when they are an emotional melting pot. I've found Big Little Feelings is a good resource for understanding then. How you manage to control your own emotions effectively all the time when at your wit's end i can't advise - so tough.

@RandomBanto What was that in response to sorry, sorry hard to see where I’ve asked what!

@Spidermanversuselsa

@BlankTimes So this is autism or adhd?

If only it was so easy as to read a description online then diagnose* *
To give you a specific answer, it could be either, both, neither or something else.

What you have described in your posts are a few traits that could suggest possible neurodiverse reactions to certain situations.

Very few neurodiverse conditions exist alone, many have co-morbid conditions so a professional diagnosis, which is essential, would take that into account and give you a primary diagnosis then add others.

I believe you have enough observation of behaviour to warrant asking for an assessment for your daughter.

Do bear in mind that a lot of professionals you'll encounter, like GP and teachers who you assume are au fait with neurodiversity in girls can in practise be clueless or fob you off using outdated assumptions like eye contact, friends, empathy etc.

The assessment process is a very long one, so the sooner you start the ball rolling, the sooner you'll know.

@BlankTimes Why does it take so long?

Lack of funding = lack of staff, resources.

Children are given a very comprehensive NHS medical assessment, often involving several different medical professionals in a team, usually Paed, Ed Psych, SaLT and paed sensory OT

The NHS waitlist is over 2 years in many areas as the demand is so high.

The sooner you request an assessment, the sooner you will be put on the waiting list.

Private assessments by medical professionals who also diagnose for the NHS, i.e. use the NICE guidelines are acceptable by the NHS, but again they are also stretched to the limit so there's often a waitlist for them too.

If you do decide to go private, do make sure you're not just paying for a 'screening' test which only tells you if there's a possibility of neurodiversity. It's not a diagnostic process and will not be recognised by the NHS.

whatever. put all the management techniques in place, come home, have a cup of coffee and relax.

you are never going to please people, that is for sure.