To feel embarrassed and ashamed at children’s parties

[Spidermanversuselsa]

Dd had a friends birthday party last week, for the last 5/6 months or so I’ve dreaded taking her. I have to watch her v closely the whole time and step in for her behaviour a lot. She was never like that before and had no issues.
She was getting so angry during the game it pass the parcel, screaming at a boy to carry on passing it round, then had a screaming and shouting meltdown when she didn’t win the main prize at the end, I had to carry her to the toilets to calm her down, with her screaming & shouting & biting my shoulder. Next she was getting upset as a boy was pushing her, it was his fault but she got so upset and angry and couldn’t calm down. I generally end up leaving early these days and crying on the way home. It’s a big friendship group and some of the kids have grown up together, so I end up missing out on spending time with the mums etc, I can never relax.
I feel everyone must be thinking how rude and out of control my Dd is. She’s a bright, lovely girl and can have periods of being lovely and back to herself, is this just a phase or something more?
I feel like we just can’t go anymore

@Piglet89 Yes, but has always socialised lots and been around other children without any issues

I was thinking it could be something to do with starting pre school, as you’ve said this is when the anger started, so perhaps the disruption to routine. But she only started in September, and you said you’ve been dreading the party for 5/6 months. Did the behaviour start before pre school?

Some children just can’t cope with parties. Me and my partner are both quiet introverts. I find my children get very over excited at parties as they aren’t used to the noise and excitement!
I also had a friend whose child without fail would have a meltdown every party! Some children just can’t cope with it. She’s older now and is a lovely polite child. It can just be a phase.

As I mentioned my LB could be difficult at that age, before we went anywhere I would set out expectations of how he should behave and had a 3 strikes and your out rule. If he misbehaved in anyway as per my expections we would leave after 3 strikes. I found that effective along with a reward chart at home to encourage the right behaviours. Keeping an eye on her diet and getting enough sleep all helps. Also, don't worry other people think. Every child is different.

@Newmum0322 She started having more meltdowns as in crying after she’d just turned, but the anger etc and real change in her started a couple of weeks after pre school and this last month has been the worst

My DS was always so competitive and a shocking loser. It's hard when you are 4 to understand how things work and I think they are trying to flex their agency. She sounds lovely. Sociable, bright and able to focus at school and at parties.

If she starts at another party I would warn her that you will go home. If she does it again just go home. I bet that only has to happen once. She must never bite or hit.

My DS was the same with pass the parcel, I think because he had no control over winning, unlike with something like sleeping lions.

One of my friends asked him to help her with the music during pass the parcel at her her DC’s party, which was great.

DS was diagnosed as autistic at nearly 13. Was ‘fine’ all through primary school, according to his teachers. Not saying this is your DD’s case, but it’s good to be aware of all different possibilities.

@Keepitrealnomists I do all this or have started to since the problems started

She's 4! Totally normal.

@Vintagecreamandcottagepie Do you think so? None of the other ten or so children did this, they all just sat nicely

First he would get ready And excited then say he didn’t want to go , Tummy ache etc. Then jumping around, being overly physical, or withdrawn not joining in games.
I would stand outside trying to calm him down. Other parents were kind and I felt self conscious.

/so much better now!

You know she is on her best behaviour at pre-school 5 days a week and it's just too much. She is knackered and letting rip where she is not in the pre-school environment.

Be clear about expectations don't be afraid to remove her from the party practice with cheap high value places first like parks etc first sign warning second time repeat the warning third time remove I give two warnings as four is young still

Both my kids were tricky at parties at 4. They’d be fine until it was time to leave and then there’d be TEARS - more than once I was the only parent crawling round soft plays and trying to coax them out. They grew out of it and your DD will too

@olympicsrock How old is he now? How did things get better?

@RandomMess Shes only there three mornings per week though

@Spidermanversuselsa in all likelihood it's a completely age appropriate lack of emotional regulation... she's only just 4.

DD was also a very calm and reasonable 2 and 3 year old, and much more prone to tantrum at 4 and 5.

It's embarrassing, of course. But remember, half of those parents will be glad it's not their child loaing their shit this time!

I used to secretly love it when someone else's child was in a full on strop rather than it being DD.

Another possibility is that she’s having a more structured day at pre school and puts all her energy into behaving well then and can’t sustain this effort. I agree with posters who say that different children have challenges at different times. My dad used to say, “ They’re just going through a phase.” Sometimes it seems as though they lurch from one phase to the next but I did find this reassuring!
I think you’re doing everything right, explaining that this is unacceptable and calmly removing her. It’s hard for any of us to learn that we can’t always win!

God I used to hate these parties. DD was never bad at sharing etc but did cry and just feel uncomfortable the whole time as did I!!! I was glad that as they get older they only invite a select few and don’t seem to do the whole class thing. I’m an introvert as is DD and these parties are just awful if you’re an introvert. Don’t worry about not going to them. It’s not worth putting yourself through the agony. When I look back, I really wish we hadn’t gone to so many of these parties and enjoyed our weekends as a family

Lol, meant to say I felt uncomfortable the whole time too… but didn’t cry 😂

YABU. You are allowing her to behave like this so of course it’s going to continue to happen.

Why did you allow her to scream at everyone during pass the parcel?

She does it because you’re allowing it.

Sorry @RandomMess I was writing my post and missed yours - I didn’t mean to repeat what you said!

@YellowTreeHouse ?? I didn’t allow her, I stopped her, picked her up and carried her away to speak to her etc in private

@Todaynotalways I don’t know why none of the other children were/are like this 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think this is normal. I recall always one or two children at every party struggling in some way. Be it leg clinging to a parent or tantrums at not winning. Grown -ups try to make life very “fair” with children at home and at school ( e.g everyone’s a winner at sports day, children not given obvious grades in primary tests). Pass the parcel and other games has a winner. Lots of young kids will struggle with that. I suspect it will pass. Try talking about parties with her in general several days later. Talk about types of games played, how not winning feels , how many children played pass the parcel compared to how many won etc. ask her if she would like pass the parcel at her birthday even though she might not win the prize. Then talk about parties again just before she attends the next, keep a close eye for trigger points and be ready to distract her.