To be embarrassed only 30 of 80+ guests turned up to my birthday party

[Muddleofpud]

Just that really, had a party this weekend, 80+ guests confirmed, only about 30 turned up. Feel embarrassed and let down. Help me get over the cringe 😩

Happy birthday OP!

I voted YABU because you have nothing to be embarrassed about, but I'm sorry you were let down by so many of the people you wanted to celebrate with and had paid to include. I'd be upset too.

At least you had a lovely time with the people who did show up and I'm sure they think no less of you.

I used to be a completely reliable person, never missed work unless actually in hospital or something, never cancelled anything at the last minute. Since having the children I've had to cancel a lot more things, take time off work etc because they've got tummy bugs etc etc. Not to mention being unable to agree to things in the first place because of lack of babysitter. I really struggle with it as hate being unreliable but cannot do anything else with a vomiting child. Recently we've had a combination of kids bugs and older relative in hospital which has led to various changed plans. But I would always always apologetically let the person know. And for the OP's event drop off the card and present that I would already have anyway. So if they have just not showed up with no message that is just rude...

I'm not excusing, I'm offering an explanation as to why parties may have so many no shows. One half accepts without checking with the other. Or the other forgets the date and makes different plans.

I am sorry OP, that is very rude and bad manners of people not to bother showing up.

As a previous poster said I think you can always expect average drop out of about 10 % so around 8.
But 50 no shows is awful, I would remember who they were and never ever put yourself out for these people again. They must not have even considered that you had paid a venue and catered for them - I bet these type of people are the ones who would never pay for an event themselves so it didn’t cross their minds about lost money for you - not that it is a reasonable excuse.

Happy 50th Birthday and I am sure out of the 30 friends / family you did have, they were the most important people in your life and they are the ones who care and you really want to celebrate it with.

This is why I don’t have parties OP, because the majority of the human population are flaky and unreliable. It’s nothing personal, it’s just how they are.

Happy birthday OP 🎉. This is a common problem and no reflection on you; people are selfish. The ones who bailed after accepting the invitation have given you a wonderful birthday gift - as now you know not to waste any more time bothering with them. Live and learn.

I had a do for my 40th.paid £13 per head for a buffet (long time ago!) and had 9 no shows, and 4 of them were my brother and his family!! No apology, no explanation from any of them.

Didn't have a party for my 50th, but toyed with the idea for my 60th next year. Had a flashback to my 40th and thought sod it, so I've booked an amazing holiday, just me, DH, our adult kids and their partners + the grandkids.

I also run a women's social group, and I know and take into account the flakey ones now. Honestly you'd think they were doing me a favour, turning up to stuff that's organised for their benefit! I have been known to remove people from the group and block if they regularly DNA. Why should I waste my time?

I know it smarts OP but honestly, they're the issue not you.

those 50 no shows ought to be ashamed. there's no excuse unless someone genuinely got the date wrong and there's a credible reason for it. they'd also apologise profusely and you'll know they are real. the others though are just crap.

however op 30 people is still a really nice number. i don't even know 30 people who i could invite to a party so even though those 50 are crap, be happy you have 30 people in your life.

Op, personally I wouldn't speak to anyone who had confirmed yet didn't turn up, unless a best friend/someone I'd give another chance to. The others are not your friend.

Agree the no shows are shockingly rude.

Happy birthday OP 🎉

I hope your loved ones treat you as you treat them.

That’s so rude of them. I’d never ever just not turn up to something I’d been invited to. Either say you can’t attend right from the beginning or text if an emergency comes up.

I don’t have 80 people I could invite to a party. 30 would be awesome!

At least you know now which 30 people to invite to your next big party, the people who confirmed and didn't show are not worth bothering with. 80 is a lot though, that's like wedding numbers. I definitely do not know 80 people who would come to my birthday party, and I wouldn't bother going to a 50th birthday party of someone I wasn't close to. It's still very rude to confirm then not show though!

We have a big local group so it’s easy for them to attend and they like parties. Everyone would dread being in ops position so it’s kind of “you scratch my back I’ll scratch yours” with parties. One of us had a hen night recently most of her old friends bailed but luckily for her she had 15 of us local group so she and us had a cracking night. I think if it’s a friend from the past with travel involved and they won’t know many others it’s much more likely they drop out.

Wow how passive aggressive. I’m sure you’re sat smugly behind your screen oh so proud of yourself tirednewmum

30 is wonderful. The rest are shit and pathetic. Sorry to come in so strong but I can imagine how upsetting and let down someone would feel with that % of guests not bothering to come.

Maybe they're work colleagues and good acquaintances, with a +1 plus some friends and family. But this doesn't mean anything about you. They're flaky and careless and not worth bothering with

Oh and sorry the ones who didn’t turn up but not tell you are very rude. If they’re close friends/family I’d be tempted to ask for reasons why —probably wouldn’t though—.

Strike through fail!

I'm offering an explanation as to why parties may have so many no shows.

Fair enough, but what's your explanation for people not letting the host know they won't be attending after all?

30 people is a good turnout

for my 50th I invited 40 people, I could have invited 80, but decided I would have a low key drinks party at home with just local friends. My Uni friends all live far away, and I’ll get together with them some other time. My NCT friends are not really close anymore, my work colleagues I can really have a laugh with but actually they are not friends, just people I like when we’re stuck at work. My hobby friends…. Decided to bring a cake to the hobby and leave it at that.

so that left me with just newer local friends, who all know eachother and husbands know eachother, so it would be low key and relaxed, and no having to talk to random colleague’s husband who does not know anyone. You do have to think what’s in it for them. DH is going to a 50th with Uni friends next week, I don’t know many of them, I am just “the wife of….”, it’s not my idea of fun, so DH going on his own.

Like you, I could have invited 80 people, but doubt more than 30 would have turned up.

so I had 30 people there and I considered it a success 😁 Just for reference. I think 30 is a good turnout. Hope you were able to enjoy it.

to me 30 is perfect for a party as you get to talk to everyone

30 is an insanely high number for a party, my wedding reception had far less.

They should be embarrassed, not you.

IMO while there were always flakey people, dropping out last minutes without a solid excuse became more widespread after everyone got mobile phones. It seems like no-one treats anything as a fixed commitment any more.

The first time I realised attitudes to RSVP had changed was when a colleague got married about 7-8 years ago. She kindly invited the whole team to her evening do. The day before, I asked a couple of people how they were travelling, and was really shocked when they said they'd decide on the evening if they were coming even though they'd RSVPed yes.

The impact it would have if everyone did this was lost on them, never mind the cost of catering, or the fact that the couple might have had other people they would have invited.

It's put me off ever having a party.

No it isn't.

And less than 30 is a very small wedding reception.

So this gives my childhood best friend a free pass not to attend my 40th for that reason? The same person who is an event manager at bars/clubs (in a different setting now) so very used to mixing with people she doesn’t know.

I went over to her fiat and went out with her a few times for drinks after her baby was born when she was 34/35 and she was a single mother.

I turned up at her surprise 40th birthday party in a restaurant on the other side of London, invited by her sister and hardly knew anyone apart from her stepmother, sister and a handful of her friends I’d met before at a couple of parties/nights out. I really do think some people prioritise others more or less depending on events, etc.