To be embarrassed only 30 of 80+ guests turned up to my birthday party

[Muddleofpud]

Just that really, had a party this weekend, 80+ guests confirmed, only about 30 turned up. Feel embarrassed and let down. Help me get over the cringe 😩

She knew them well enough to have their contact details and for those people to have hers so they can confirm their attendance. On that basis I would imagine 50 of them were not some bloke she saw in the corner shop once or a woman she sees often walking past her house.

Having said that I find my most recently made friends are the ones who always turn up to things like this. Older friends tend to be a bit more flaky 'oh she won't miss us', 'we see her all the time', 'we had that drink for her birthday already', 'she'll understand'.

I'm actually agog at having 80 friends to invite to a party in the first place.

That's not really relevant.

Happy Birthday and I think 30 is a great number to share your birthday with. I wouldn't be able to fill a room with 80 and especially 80 individuals that I had a close enough relationship with that they wouldn't consider dipping on my event.

I would also see it as a bonus - a more intimate event - more quality than quantity and would also give me the opportunity to not owe the 'no shows' something in the future. Sod them next time they need a favour, a lift or are expecting you to make an effort for their event.

Enjoy the rest of your birthday weekend.

I know.

Maybe it's the age thing though that has created so much nonchalance in them not turning up.

It's surprising how many people will be a no show at a catered event. I think it's the height of rudeness and I never forget the culprits. I lose a lot of respect for them.

OP, please remember that the no shows have made themselves look bad. It's not a reflection on you (even though I know it can feel like it is)

I read somewhere by a professional party planner that you should count on a third of those invited showing up. Obviously a third of those who accepted is a bit different but try not to take it personally. Firstly there is no etiquette anymore about accepting invites and secondly post pandemic people are much less likely to stick to arrangements or enjoy going out.

Also maybe the train strike had an impact.

I always allow for 10% no show on the day. Not 60 odd %! That is appallingly rude. Could they have been affected by the rail.strike?

For those who don't know anyone having parties, I assure you they happen. I have been to three big 50th parties over the past two weekends One had a band!

I can’t be arsed with that kind of behaviour

I had a friends 50th the other week and felt exhausted and a bit unwell and I still went. Because I said I would.

I also find people flaky

happy birthday to you - you sound lovely xx

Happy birthday OP. I hope you and the 30 who were there made the best of it.

That’s an awful thing to happen. No doubt a waste of money for you in terms of catering and maybe venue choice. I’ve been to a party like that and it definitely put a dampener on things. Wasted food, empty tables, a few of us in a huge venue… people can be so thoughtless.

Happy Birthday !!!

People are flaky. My DD has a 31/8 birthday so it has been crap all her life. People go away for last minute holidays leaving the poor kid with nowt to do. Ditto me the week before Christmas birthday. I now have a champagne lunch. They turn up or the don't.
I remember my 50th and I turned down friends to go out with a particular girlfriend who was taking me somewhere special (so say) . The madam cancelled at 11am. I was home alone. No flowers, no gift. She was as rich as Midas and tight as a ducks arse. No longer friends 😬

Sorry op, I worked in events, then moved into PR and marketing which involved an awful lot of event planning too.

Even events that were the hottest ticket in town, loads of cancellations, it’s not you op, it’s just that people are flakey. And this was long before covid, which really upped the anti on flakiness.

Don’t feel weird or bad about it, it’s a pity you didn’t post this during the event and we could have reassured you and you could have had a fun night.

I had exactly the same thing at my significant birthday last night! Fortunately the venue wasn't so big that it felt too sparse but it was so stressful getting cancellation after cancellation on the day, and then some people's just not turning up with no message sent. I was quite formal with the invites and asking for Rsvps etc, and sending reminders, so that was a bit upsetting. Plus I spent a lot on food, the venue etc and will probably still have to make up the minimum bar spend! On the other hand I had a great time regardless and I so appreciate all my friends who made the effort. Also I think my friends are at a stage of life where going out is more tricky - lots of young children, plus train strikes, illness etc. It is disappointing but remember that just because they didn't come to your party, it's not a reflection on you as a friend and it doesn't mean that they don't still love you! It sounds ridiculous but you really can't take it personally. I need to keep reminding myself of that.

This is meant kindly but you replied to a post about someone else's party with only a musing on your own social circle. Didn't offer advice or a comment just thinking about yourself. Maybe something to think about it you're struggling socially

Sorry to hear about your party op it really is disappointing when that happens, people can be really thoughtless about these things. Glad you had fun anyway

Sorry for slight derail. Do you remember illicit teenage parties where a big party would be talked about for weeks, people would plan their outfit, there would be no food/booze entertainment laid on, but it was the hottest thing going on so EVERYONE turned up? Including those that weren’t invited…
It’s kind of the opposite now we’re older. It’s normal to be exhausted all weekend, and feel even more exhausted at the thought of going out until late. You really have to push yourself to go out and socialise. It’s totally unacceptable and rude for so many people not to have shown up, but sadly this does seem to be a thing. I don’t think people realise the effort and expense that goes into organising a party like this, and probably thought that them not turning up wouldn’t make a difference. It does put me off arranging parties, especially ones that involve needing numbers.

These life experiences are there for us to make choices about who we spend our time with going forward, IMO.

Exactly this. You have been given a birthday gift of some clarity as to who are the people in your life who cherish you. Not saying the others should be cut (except the no-shows with no notifications!) but just remember this when you are prioritising your time and energy going forward.

Happy birthday OP!

Happy Birthday!!

I have done lots of things for birthdays, school events and community events and the thing that has made a difference every time to people attending- money.

Not lack of it - paying some out.

People do not value free things - even a free birthday party. Those who turned up really value you and keep their word - they are your keepers x

It's really crap when this happens, people are just so selfish and it's the reason I won't organise parties anymore.

I had one for my 40th and although most did show up, I had lots of people go out for drinks elsewhere and turn up at 10pm onwards, and others show up for a drink then go off for a meal or something after an hour so the place was only half full.

For this reason, if ever I accept an invite I always show up within half hour of the start time, and stay for the duration (even though my husband/friends always want to "go for a few drinks" first!)

I would never want 80 people at my birthday party. I can’t imagine caring for that many people. I barely care for 30. It would be pushing it. But you did want that so I guess it’s besides the point.

Id advise to maybe concentrate on your inner circle more? I’ve been stood up at my birthday before and I never bothered again. I only celebrate with immediate family now and feel much better for it.

Well it's just basic psychology op. They want to keep their options open and don't want to disappoint. So say yes. The day arrives. Mm shall we just stay in? Yes it's fine we won't be missed and there's loads of people going already. Add to the mix. Social anxiety established in covid and I'm surprised your turnout was that good.

Happy Birthday 🥳

I don't think it's anything to do with you , its some kind of post COVID thing. I attended a close member of family's wedding last weekend and f people were pulling out last minute. It still had good attendance but weddings used to be something people would make a priority to attend.

Did any of the no-shows text you to say they weren’t coming?

Try to look at it as a helpful event to show you who you friends really are.

I use to work in a hotel. I would say 20% for a wedding and 40% for a party to not turn up is about normal.

@Muddleofpud @Nowisthemonthofmaying

Happy Birthday both of you. Hopefully you had a good time despite all this.

I do think it rude of people not to reply even by text. I expect some may have been down to trains strikes/whatever which is an absolute bummer for people getting anywhere. Off topic but I was speaking to one of the porters who takes 3 trains to work!. Bad enough when it is just one and /or buses and you have to sort out during a strike how to get your connections. Takes the shine out of going anywhere!