To be embarrassed only 30 of 80+ guests turned up to my birthday party

[Muddleofpud]

Just that really, had a party this weekend, 80+ guests confirmed, only about 30 turned up. Feel embarrassed and let down. Help me get over the cringe 😩

You tell me which of your nerves I’ve touched, although I can guess! Something has provoked your torrent of venom, so you’ve clearly taken something personally.

Incidentally it’s great to know that three of my husband’s friends are mind readers. I must call them before the next Euromillions draw, to get their input.

Well 80 people is a lot to 'know' did that include partners etc?

There will be some who had a genuine excuse but the others have now shown you that you are just an acquaintance.

No, they shouldn't.

Perhaps they felt intimidated and bullied into it. Which wouldn't be surprising really, considering both the really awful way you've spoken about them on here, and also the way you've attacked the posters who have pointed this out.

It's a little scary that you don't see what a truly horrible way this is to talk about people you call 'friends'.

People so flaky agree. Puts me off doing things. Terrible when you have food etc budgeted for. I remember good few years back got baby minded was on bus into town. Friend cancelled last minute. I decided would suit myself after that with people...

My take would be "how formal were the invites and responses?". If you had bothered to send written invites for a big occassion, such as a 50th, and people had sent individual written confirmations then I think that really is pants, and a bit weird.

If, however, it was just an ordinary birthday and you put something on Facebook and people had responded with "yay, fab!' then maybe less so.

Neither am I!! My 50th has come and gone anyway and i'm glad I never bothered with a party although at the time I thought i must have one! The stress is too much what with my horrific peri symptoms!

BTW happy Birthday OP!

I think people are being very harsh here! Like some said, sometimes people are sick or just out and out wrecked or worried about money and they think others will go and that they’ll find a way to make it up again. They may have intended on messaging. Glad you had a good time!

50 of them?

You can just text OP directly you know.

I absolutely disagree - if someone accepts an invitation then they will be catered for (and this costs the lovely person who invited them) so they should attend unless they have an excellent reason for not doing so. And even if they have an excellent reason for cancelling - they need to do just that, cancel with huge apologies as soon as they know they will not be able to attend (so that the person organising does not end up spending a fortune on no shows and is not disappointed on their evening). The only reason for not communicating a cancellation is because you are absolutely unable to do so or get someone else to do so for you (ie you are incapacitated). I can't believe some of the posts on here - if you are ill with flu etc you can still check your diary and send a short text. And, frankly, it is pathetic to suggest that being knackered/totally overwhelmed with busyness are adequate excuses - don't accept in the first place if you are that sort of flaky person.

don't accept in the first place if you are that sort of flaky person.
I don't think flaky is the name for the sort of person who is so tired overwhelmed that they can't go to a big occasion! Just playing devil's advocate, so many peopleare saying this is why I don't believe in people and the like, and I've been so floored that if I had something I had to go to I would have cried. I always let people know in advance, but in a winter where people are on the floor with illnesses and finances, I can see how some people could have not been able to go and I don't think that makes them a flaky person

50 of them?
No, I'm not saying everyone!!!!

Some people are more sociable than others so some people can easily have 80 friends.

I do think it's rude not to give a reason you aren't attending a party I had said I was going to. I would feel really bad for letting the host down.

OP, don't feel embarrassed. They were the ones who should feel embarrassed as they have no manners. Your true friends showed up or gave you a good excuse.

Happy Birthday!

Hmm. Maybe it’s no bad thing if the “accept then bail” crowd know what their hosts are really thinking. Sadly it’s not usually good thoughts. Show up for your friends. “To have a friend you have to be a friend” as my grandad always said.

@Muddleofpud that's what annoyed me about mine too, it probably worked out at about £100 a head for the people who actually attended, for that money I could have taken everyone out for a really fancy dinner somewhere rather than spending it on a venue and lighting etc that wasn't really necessary. At least there wasn't any food left as I made everyone take it home at the end of the night 😂

@Muddleofpud

But we brought a significant amount of the buffet food home with us so it’s reheated sausage rolls and samosas on the sofa under a blanket for us today!

That's exactly what I did. Still some in the freezer so nothing got wasted and the 'no shows' missed a good night. That is how you need to look at it

@TheaBrandt

“To have a friend you have to be a friend”

Wise words from your Granddad and very true

All these people saying 50 people is a lot to know obviously never grew up in a family like mine, I have over 60 first cousins alone. I don’t keep in touch with most but I do with a good chunk. We are a multigenerational socialising family, there would be easily 4 generations of the same family at a do, especially if it’s a day do or kids allowed. My 40th had my Parents, Myself, Adult Neices & Nephews, same for my Aunts/Uncles, some of their children and grandchildren, no younger kids as most wanted to have a child free night, then there are friends on top.

i actually kept my 40th pretty low key, still a party but it was just family and one set of friends. What pissed me off about my party was my brother inviting a bunch of his mates I didn’t know, all their girlfriends sat at the same table with sour faces and only one of the fuckers offered me a drink AFTER insulting my DH. In my brothers defence it wouldn’t normally be a issues as our family dos are normally big and the more the merrier open invite type dos but I wanted to keep this small.

I’ve decided for my 50th I’m going on holiday.

All these people saying 50 people is a lot to know obviously never grew up in a family like mine, I have over 60 first cousins alone

I have a tiny family but I could think of 50 friends I would invite.
However it's totally not the point whether 30 is a "great number" or that other people wouldn't know 80 people....or whether they were partners of friends etc.
The crux of the matter is not how many people actually came or whether they were good friends. The point is she expected (because they replied) more than double the number, booked and paid for a suitably sized venue for more than double that number and catered (paid) for more than double. There was probably far more choice of venues to accommodate 30 than 80. And I can't think of that many excuses which would prohibit you from letting the host know you couldn't come.
We missed a friends 50th because our son had covid and although the rules didn't require us to isolate we thought going to a party was probably not the best idea. We let them know in advance though!

I’d actually already responded on the original post. I was merely commenting on those saying they don’t know 50 people or 50people is a lot. Which is why I started by saying “All these people saying”

I finished a 17m contract today. I've worked with 00s of people in this company and I invited c20 who I have closet working relationships with for a drink after work. The MD had called and told me deffo, but you can't go out drinking with a handful of people and the MD can you?! So, I ended up popping for lunch with two people which was a laugh and cancelling drinks.

It feels like you're not popular, but the reality is people are fickle and just cba.

Glad you had a lovely time!

Well it’s unlikely to be your popularity if you found 80 people to invite Id struggle to find 30. Could be your choice of suitable invites needs a bit of looking at were all these people really appropriate for the occasion? Ie too casual a contact. This compounded with the definite changes to our social lives after lock down and with current cost of living issues. Still, rude if all confirmed then didn’t come. Reduce your Christmas card list!

There's a whole "science" around getting people to attend events (creating a FOMO, multiple reminders, etc)… even ones that they've bought tickets/paid for. The no-show rate is usually between 5 and 20 percent for these. Ok, your no-show rate is higher at 62%, but of course a lot of people are going to say "yes" to a free event and then decide they can't really be arsed at the last minute.

I'm taking it you don't have 80 close friends so perhaps limit your expectations in future to your actual friends instead of everyone you've ever socialised/worked/studied with...

Thanks again all, I’ve taken all the comments on board, and maybe I was a bit naive expecting so many people to show. 30 is a great number and I’m lucky to have had that many attend. Thanks for all the birthday wishes, the actual day isn’t for a week yet, but December birthdays are always a nightmare to book venues for, hence the early party. Maybe for the 60th I’ll stick an invite on mumsnet and you can all come!
to all those who’d had similar experiences, Thankyou for sharing., and FYI all the buffet food is now gone and I’m actually sick of the sight of sausage rolls and breadsticks. I shall take my leave.