To not stop DD playing her French Horn just because it annoys my neighbour

[LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet]

Disclaimer: There was no one more unhappy than me when, last year after DD got to pick an instrument to play at school, she picked the bloody French Horn and not something more reasonable 😂 but sometimes life throws us a child with a penchant for annoying instruments

Anyway. 9yo DD plays French horn. I spend a small fortune keeping her in peripatetic 1-2-1 lessons because she’s good. She’s got a concert in the local cathedral next month and is playing 2 Christmas songs as part of a brass group and one solo. She’s bricking it bless her. We live in an end terrace. Her room is the one at the end side of the end (ie furthest away from neighbours) so she practises in there. 30 minutes after school and then an hour on Saturdays and Sundays. Wouldn’t usually practise so much but this concert means a lot to her and she wants to do well

Anyway she was playing at 1pm today for an hour and the neighbour came banging on the door. Said he’s sick of it, it’s every day and disturbing his lie-in! I said sorry but she’s got a concert to practice for it won’t be forever. He then moaned because when we first moved in we asked him to stop playing his music at full blast (Taylor swift mainly, as if life isn’t hard enough). But he was playing it from 5pm-9pm, in his bedroom which shares a wall with my 5yo! Which he has done again tonight.

it can’t be that loud, it can barely be heard from the far room (DS’s). But WIBU to carry on as normal? It’s not unsociable hours, and it’s only for another 2 weeks.

I'm afraid my friends and I were those "band" kids once. I'm sure we were awful but no one ever complained! There are much more antisocial things teenagers could be doing in their spare time.

Firstly, T-Swifters are always unreasonable, so bad luck that you moved in next to one.

All jokes aside, music is like therapy for many people - did he go through a recent breakup? Perhaps you calling out the noise embarrassed him because of the content, so now he’s trying to embarrass you back? It seems like an emotional response from him, rather than a rational one, considering it is quiet and at 1pm. If he’s in bed at 1pm and isn’t a late night worker, perhaps he’s depressed?

I think you need to knock on his door and say “hi neighbour, I just wanted to say again that I’m sorry that the horn is disturbing you, it means a lot to my kid that she has a creative outlet, and she’s really excited to play in the concert and be on the stage. I also don’t mind you playing your music until 8pm, when my son goes to sleep, and I really appreciated the fact that you took note and turned the music down when I asked. It’s made a lot of difference for us. I also just wanted to reiterate that her practice is temporary. I hope everything is now ok. How are you doing, anyway?”

The bottom line here is that there isn’t a legal reason for your DD to stop, and there wasn’t a legal reason for him to stop. He did so out of consideration for your family, and perhaps he just wants that to be appreciated? I think kindness and compassion is the way forward here, as it often is with neighbours. If he likes you/your family, he will feel fondly when he hears the music and thinks about how much it means to your kid, but if he is resentful and feels unappreciated, anger will build.

I hope this helps.

PS the image of your little DD playing her French horn is adorable! Good luck to her for the concert, and for all future concerts.

Also blasting music for 4hrs in retaliation for a kid playing a French horn for an hour is arsehole behaviour.

OP complained about his music way before he complained about her DD's.

He was compliant and polite and kept quiet - then OP decided to let her daughter her play the French Horn for on a daily basis instead 🙄

If it's not okay for him to make antisocial noise, why is it okay when it's her DD doing it?

You don't need her playing in DS bedroom at 9pm, you need to do it weekends at 1pm as clearly that's when he is trying to sleep!

You could ask him his sleep schedule and say you will work around that.

Something tells me you're not that familiar with playing brass instruments. Using one of those is like asking someone to practice their singing by mumbling.

I play a brass instrument too.

I do about 20 minutes doing warm up exercises (which are absolutely not all musical sounding) with a "silent mute" (Ssssmute - about £60) then when I want to work on tone and more melodic sections, I take the mute out and go for it.

That way anyone walking past the house (and through the wall) only gets my best work HA!!

The way I see it - I like DD to play French Horn. He likes to play Taylor Swift.

DD plays her for short spurts at reasonable hours (sorry but how is early/mid afternoon not reasonable, there are 24 hours in the day day some are more reasonable than others). She plays it in the room furthest away from him where the noise will be distant.

He played loud music in next to the party wall for 4 hours into the night. I’m not saying never play Taylor again - take it to a different bloody room (he may well have, I have no idea)

There IS a difference. There’s little more I can do because she DOES need to practice, she can’t go to a better place. I’ll speak to her instructor about a mute and do it at 4pm on weekends from now on but I’m certainly not taking the man who shouted at me on my own doorstep a bottle of fucking wine!

He’s definitely out during the day as his car is never there when we get home from school run - I know because I have an internal cheer that I can park outside my house (on street parking only) 😂

But that’s not the same as my OP because DD isn’t playing her horn at midnight

There's no difference whatsoever.

It's just the French Horn makes your DD happy and the Taylor Swift inconveniences you.

For him, it's the other way round.

It’s much less annoying when as far away as possible.

?! Where have I said neighbour worked til 4am??

The reason it's the same is that you asked him to stop making a noise and he complied, apparently out of consideration for you. He's now said a noise you're making is disturbing him, and your response is effectively "go fuck yourself"- I know you didn't say those words, but that's what it amounts to.

If you ask for consideration, you have to give it in return.

Your posts come across as if you think the world should revolve around your children, and if that's your attitude towards your neighbour then it's unlikely he's going to show you much consideration in future.

It doesn't matter that you see your daughter's noise as "worthwhile" and his as "pointless". It's about the level of consideration shown from both sides. You won't show him any consideration, so now he thinks why should he bother showing you any.

Well that’s fine because she wouldn’t hear Tay Tay in the room she was practicing in.

I am amazed so many people are against someone playing a musical instrument all together. Do you all listen to music? Have you been watch a play? If so it’s because many people spent hours in the rooms learning an instrument, they didn’t download the information to their brains. Or should only children who live in the arse end of nowhere with no neighbours for 6 miles have the privilege of learning to play?

It's just loud to you as it's your baby's room and you are trying to get them to sleep and it's not your choice of noise. It's probably not loud to him and 9pm is not late.

You are expecting him to accommodate the set up of your house but not affording him the same. He might not be able to play music in another room just as your daughter can.

My neighbours kitchen is right beside my headboard. I can't change this and I work shifts. Their kids are noisy and loud to me but I don't complain and suck it up as I realise it's just family noise. Still doesn't make it any less irritating, even though it's just 30mins a day whilst their day starts.

She can’t carry a SINGING tune - she’s very good at the French horn and has played for 15 months now very effectively

Could you try putting some soundproofing acoustic foam panels on her walls and floor?

“The way I see it is I’m perfectly reasonable and he isn’t!”

That was a joke in retaliation to someone who used Taylor Swift lyrics, I did the same back

You think I should stop my DD practising all together?

The difference is the time and place both things are played. If your neighbour was playing loud music would you prefer it next to your wall or 3 large rooms away?

FWIW he still does play music normally but knocks it off at 8pm (which I’m happy with)

Blimey what an arrogant post. No one has to change their lifestyle because you’ve decided your home is now an office.

How can he not play it in another room, or more quietly?! It’s not a one roomed house.

We rent, so no probably not

@LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet you didn't but other people have called him a lazy fucker for being in bed. If you'd read all my posts you'd have seen that I said I lay in on a Saturday often coz I work til 4am on a Friday night / Saturday morning on occasion when I'm on call. Am I a lazy fucker?