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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Sister charging me?

303 replies

Arewerrallydoingthisnow · 26/11/2022 22:37

I genuinely can’t work out if I’m being unreasonable. We have v little cash at the moment - nursery fees, mortgage increases, I’m working 2 jobs, kids at state schools etc - much like a lot of the population. Sister does not work. Her husbands family are RICH. So in fact not only does she not work, but he doesn’t either. They live off family money, have 2 kids in private school (paid for), a big house mortgage free, and expenses / cars etc paid for by family money.
i have been trying to sort some stuff in my house on a shoestring recently and after having redecorated our living room myself in evenings between kids and jobs etc I asked if she would have any time to bring over her carpet cleaner and help me move everything back as husband at work during days. She said yes great - came and helped and cleaned the carpets for us with her machine and spent some hours helping me sort everything out again. Note again neither she nor her husband work and both kids in school during the day. I was very grateful and asked her husband what she liked at the moment to buy her a gift to say thank you. To cut a long story short she then called and said she would invoice me for hours she’d spent helping and that when she got help in it was around £15/hr so she thought that was reasonable.
i was shocked as I cannot afford that for a start and would never ever have asked if I knew it came with a cost attached, but moreover I’m devastated about the reflection on our relationship that help is boiled down to a transactional cost. And with no prior warning at all. Aibu? Should I expect to pay?

OP posts:
Familydilemmas · 26/11/2022 22:39

I’d laugh because she must be joking.

DuchessDandelion · 26/11/2022 22:40

Yanbu!

moreover I’m devastated about the reflection on our relationship that help is boiled down to a transactional cost. And with no prior warning

Tell her this

AhNowTed · 26/11/2022 22:44

Her income is irrelevant OP.

Because NO decent sister would do this.

She's crackers.

Justisme · 26/11/2022 22:45

Does she know you are struggling with money?

I mean despite that knowledge and even her lucky position, this is ridiculous. Show her this thread once people are through telling you how wrong she is

i‘M afraid whether you pay or not. Your relationship never be the same.

BEAM123 · 26/11/2022 22:45

No you are not being unreasonable. Is it possible though that after your call asking what to get her as a gift, her husband said to her 'Your sister called and is wondering what to give you for the cleaning?' and she then thought that you felt uncomfortable having had it done for nothing so suggested a price? i.e. crossed wires /misunderstanding.

If it isn't a misunderstanding, (and assuming you didn't stand over her telling her what to do and when she could leave and treating her like an employee), then her demand is outrageous...

MaryDerry · 26/11/2022 22:47

Just tell her to fuck off.
Or more politely ask her to see the contract you apparently signed agreeing to her services.

Dacadactyl · 26/11/2022 22:47

Oof!! What a blow!

She must be joking.

Id just text back and say "im not prepared to pay you for your time. I more meant do you want some Heroes, Quality Street or Celebrations?"

Put the ball in her court and see what she says.

JennyMule · 26/11/2022 22:47

"Dear DSis,
I have now had time to reflect on our discussion, during which you told me that you would be invoicing me for your time/labour." Please note that I will not be making any payment; had I intended to engage a paid for service I would have obtained 3 quotations from professional carpet cleaning companies. Had you wished to bid for the work I would have been happy to allow you to quote, and to agree a price before the job began.
I regret any misunderstanding regarding the basis on which you were helping me - ie for free, because you are my sister, and with no payment being offered or requested beforehand. I wish you the very best with your new carpet cleaning venture and would be more than happy to let all the family and our friends know that you are open for business."

Arewerrallydoingthisnow · 26/11/2022 22:48

Definitely no misunderstanding re gifts etc. i doubt she knows a lot about our financial situation as such but she knows we both work a LOT, have old cars, and have done a v cheap botch job on our house renovations as we simply can’t afford to pay anyone to do it properly right now.

i also believe the income aspect is irellevent - it’s more a point that there was no opportunity cost for her such as lost income from taking a day to help.

OP posts:
Suemademedoit · 26/11/2022 22:48

Talk to her. If you don’t, this could cause even more problems.

Also, generally speaking people who live off passive income budget tightly. They only withdraw the minimum. It’s how rich people stay rich. So she may also feel cash poor and asset rich. To which you will say she should get a job then. Which is a bit of a sledgehammer to crack a nut. But, bottom line, she’s totally out of line and you are every shade of reasonable.

Hankunamatata · 26/11/2022 22:50

What did you day to hernwhen she said on the phone she was charging you £15 an hour?

nevergonnanotdanceagain · 26/11/2022 22:52

Christ! What a cheeky bitch!

Is there any chance when you asked him that he is just really tight fisted with money she grabs any money he can, and answered without even consulting her? If so, I take the above back and feel quite sorry for her as that sounds miserable.

If she genuinely wanted £15/hr, she's barking up the wrong tree. If you've given her lifts, babysat, or done anything to her, tell her you're digging out old invoices and will send them in 3-5 business days.

What a plonker!

Arewerrallydoingthisnow · 26/11/2022 22:53

Hankunamatata · 26/11/2022 22:50

What did you day to hernwhen she said on the phone she was charging you £15 an hour?

I said I’m sorry what? To which she said she thought it wasn’t unreasonable to expect payment seeing as she’d given up the best part of a day.

And in answer to someone else’s point - no I didn’t stand over her at all! In fact I didn’t even check a single thing she’d done as obviously in my mind I was getting a huge favour saving me money and anything was better than nothing!

OP posts:
nevergonnanotdanceagain · 26/11/2022 22:53

And grabs anything he can that was meant to be.

Well, she works too if that's the case!

Arewerrallydoingthisnow · 26/11/2022 22:54

nevergonnanotdanceagain · 26/11/2022 22:52

Christ! What a cheeky bitch!

Is there any chance when you asked him that he is just really tight fisted with money she grabs any money he can, and answered without even consulting her? If so, I take the above back and feel quite sorry for her as that sounds miserable.

If she genuinely wanted £15/hr, she's barking up the wrong tree. If you've given her lifts, babysat, or done anything to her, tell her you're digging out old invoices and will send them in 3-5 business days.

What a plonker!

I do wonder if this is more driven my him. Maybe he’s got a chip on his shoulder it’s “his” money, and if she’s working she should be paid? I’ve not come across that previously bjt you never know what goes on behind closed doors.

and I also agree maybe money isn’t as free and easy as I think it is - however a simple answer would be to get an actual job rather than charging family!

OP posts:
Whiskyvodka · 26/11/2022 22:55

Give her a bottle of plonk and say thanks for the help.
Don't give it another thought.
If you get an invoice tell her you'll see her on Judge Rinder.

determinedtomakethiswork · 26/11/2022 22:55

She's insane!

The thing is that she can't do a job and then charge you later. That's not how it works. If she had said well, I can come and do it, but it will be £15 an hour then you would have the choice whether to accept it or not.

catandcoffee · 26/11/2022 22:56

I'm really shocked at her charging you.😮

justasking111 · 26/11/2022 22:56

Cash poor because they're totally beholden to his family. Or he keeps her short of money.

You don't really know what goes on in their life

Arewerrallydoingthisnow · 26/11/2022 22:58

justasking111 · 26/11/2022 22:56

Cash poor because they're totally beholden to his family. Or he keeps her short of money.

You don't really know what goes on in their life

Agreed. I think it’s more the absolute lack of communication that she planned to charge to give me the choice I’m more upset about. If she had said from the start I would’ve thought it odd and been v upset she wasn’t willing to help just as family - but it’s so different being “forced” to pay after for something you didn’t know you were “buying”!

OP posts:
gamerchick · 26/11/2022 23:00

Tell her thats fine, that you wish she had told you earlier so you could have declined. That you're mega skint so will give her a fiver a week until it's paid or something. Or whatever you can afford that will make her cringe.

Then swerve her in future. There's obviously shit going on you're not party too and I wouldn't want to be around it tbh

justasking111 · 26/11/2022 23:01

Again you approached him. The invoice idea and amount could have come from him. Something about their set up gives me the heeby jeebies.

MarshaMelrose · 26/11/2022 23:02

You're both unreasonable.

You for keep whining on how well off she is. That's none of your business. And wealthy people don't have to work for free.
And her for charging her own sister instead of just helping out. That's not what family does.

Hankunamatata · 26/11/2022 23:04

I would have laughed out loud at her reply. You need to tell her your deeply upset at her trying to charge you for her time. That's not what families do. And no you won't be paying her.

Luredbyapomegranate · 26/11/2022 23:04

Feck.

Just say helping each other is what sisters and friends do. I can’t afford to pay you, and I wouldn’t if I could. Get a grip on yourself you loon.

It’s bizarre enough to wonder WTF is going on though