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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister charging me?

303 replies

Arewerrallydoingthisnow · 26/11/2022 22:37

I genuinely can’t work out if I’m being unreasonable. We have v little cash at the moment - nursery fees, mortgage increases, I’m working 2 jobs, kids at state schools etc - much like a lot of the population. Sister does not work. Her husbands family are RICH. So in fact not only does she not work, but he doesn’t either. They live off family money, have 2 kids in private school (paid for), a big house mortgage free, and expenses / cars etc paid for by family money.
i have been trying to sort some stuff in my house on a shoestring recently and after having redecorated our living room myself in evenings between kids and jobs etc I asked if she would have any time to bring over her carpet cleaner and help me move everything back as husband at work during days. She said yes great - came and helped and cleaned the carpets for us with her machine and spent some hours helping me sort everything out again. Note again neither she nor her husband work and both kids in school during the day. I was very grateful and asked her husband what she liked at the moment to buy her a gift to say thank you. To cut a long story short she then called and said she would invoice me for hours she’d spent helping and that when she got help in it was around £15/hr so she thought that was reasonable.
i was shocked as I cannot afford that for a start and would never ever have asked if I knew it came with a cost attached, but moreover I’m devastated about the reflection on our relationship that help is boiled down to a transactional cost. And with no prior warning at all. Aibu? Should I expect to pay?

OP posts:
FurAndFeathers · 27/11/2022 06:22

daisychain01 · 27/11/2022 05:53

i was shocked as I cannot afford that for a start and would never ever have asked if I knew it came with a cost attached, but moreover I’m devastated about the reflection on our relationship that help is boiled down to a transactional cost.

im going to swim against the tide on this one.

I think you should at least have been honest with your sister that you wanted "mates rates" ie use of her cleaning equipment and her time for nothing.

how do you know that she isn't constantly being taken advantage of by her friends and other family to do things for nothing.

she did go about it the wrong way by "invoicing" you, but out of courtesy you coukd have covered the doing it for no charge in advance rather than just assuming, so that she didn't feel put upon.

The sister doesn’t run a cleaning business and the OP had no idea she had any rates so why would she expect mates rates? Most of us wouldn’t expect any rates for a family favour!

do you seriously never do a favour for a close friend or family member without charging them afterwards? Wow!

GreyGoose1980 · 27/11/2022 06:33

Irrelevant of either of your incomes - no decent sister would go this. In my view the only time this could possibly be acceptable is if your sister was a cleaner by trade and there had been a genuine misunderstanding over whether this was a favour or a job. Even in that case fees and expectations should have been discussed ahead of the clean occurring.

lightlypoached · 27/11/2022 06:35

This is so sad.

As someone said up thread she's got £105 but has lost a sister.

I can't imagine family doing this. Utterly horrible. OP you have my sympathy.

AgentJohnson · 27/11/2022 06:45

Offer to pay her a fiver a month and then never ask or offer her anything again. I don’t agree with expecting anything for free, especially from relatives but she should have made it clear that payment was an expectation.

Theunamedcat · 27/11/2022 06:48

Surely you cannot legally create a contract without agreement first? I know you have paid up on this occasion but in future don't

daisychain01 · 27/11/2022 06:58

FurAndFeathers · 27/11/2022 06:22

The sister doesn’t run a cleaning business and the OP had no idea she had any rates so why would she expect mates rates? Most of us wouldn’t expect any rates for a family favour!

do you seriously never do a favour for a close friend or family member without charging them afterwards? Wow!

Show quote history

It isnt about me though, I haven't made it about me or what favours I do my family and what recompense I expect or don't. That isn't the point.

it's how you treat family members, and how you set expectations when you ask for help. Just expecting things and not giving the other person any kind of consideration is taking them for granted.

My BIL does solar panel installations for a living. We could have tapped him up for advice or to do a survey of our house for nothing, But we haven't, because this is what always happens, family put upon each other with no consideration for their life and commitments. If anything we deliberately don't mix business with family, because we want to preserve the relationship and not muddy the water.

Had the OP said to her sister "we're really hard up for money, would you be able to bring your carpet cleaner over and help with the carpet - sorry I've got no money I'm afraid but I'll make you a nice meal to pay for your time" it would have given the sister the opportunity to either accept or decline. Instead the OP just expected it to happen because the sister is loaded. It isn't about the money it's the way people communicate and based on what I read on here peoples relationship issues are 99% due to poor expectations set and not being honest.

Maybe the sister was just giving the OP the message, stop taking me for granted.

Helena1993 · 27/11/2022 06:58

Arewerrallydoingthisnow · 26/11/2022 22:37

I genuinely can’t work out if I’m being unreasonable. We have v little cash at the moment - nursery fees, mortgage increases, I’m working 2 jobs, kids at state schools etc - much like a lot of the population. Sister does not work. Her husbands family are RICH. So in fact not only does she not work, but he doesn’t either. They live off family money, have 2 kids in private school (paid for), a big house mortgage free, and expenses / cars etc paid for by family money.
i have been trying to sort some stuff in my house on a shoestring recently and after having redecorated our living room myself in evenings between kids and jobs etc I asked if she would have any time to bring over her carpet cleaner and help me move everything back as husband at work during days. She said yes great - came and helped and cleaned the carpets for us with her machine and spent some hours helping me sort everything out again. Note again neither she nor her husband work and both kids in school during the day. I was very grateful and asked her husband what she liked at the moment to buy her a gift to say thank you. To cut a long story short she then called and said she would invoice me for hours she’d spent helping and that when she got help in it was around £15/hr so she thought that was reasonable.
i was shocked as I cannot afford that for a start and would never ever have asked if I knew it came with a cost attached, but moreover I’m devastated about the reflection on our relationship that help is boiled down to a transactional cost. And with no prior warning at all. Aibu? Should I expect to pay?

You're kidding right? I'd never talk to her again

StoppinBy · 27/11/2022 07:03

You are so very not being unfair.

I'd not speak to my sister except at holidays etc where you are kind of forced together.

She's showed you how she sees you and it isn't great unfortunately.

I couldn't imagine charging family like that.

FelizNavicrab · 27/11/2022 07:11

Now the money has been paid I'd ask for confirmation of her insurance to work in other people's houses, a VAT invoice and confirmation she is paying the correct taxes.

She was either performing a service for money - with all the legal and financial responsibility of such - or a favour.

lightisnotwhite · 27/11/2022 07:12

I think you have gained the moral high ground by paying. Your sister is now the one that’s needs to reflect and find a solution to save the relationship.

People have made some good points as to why the payment was unreasonable: there was no quote for the work first, it’s too high (she got cash in hand and hasn’t paid business outgoings), terms and contract weren’t agreed, no opportunity to decline her offer etc.

I also think you need to point these points out ( so she can’t do faux outrage at being expected to work for nothing) and make sure she knows she has caused you genuine financial issues as you don’t have £105 to spare. I would also ask her to be honest if she has problems with money.

If she gets defensive rather than apologetic that’s the time to take a step back.

Hi2u · 27/11/2022 07:18

You have a really awful sister. You have paid her now and I hope she feels guilty. I would definitely struggle to have a relationship with my sister if she had done that.

MuchuseasaChocolateTeapot · 27/11/2022 07:19

gamerchick · 26/11/2022 23:00

Tell her thats fine, that you wish she had told you earlier so you could have declined. That you're mega skint so will give her a fiver a week until it's paid or something. Or whatever you can afford that will make her cringe.

Then swerve her in future. There's obviously shit going on you're not party too and I wouldn't want to be around it tbh

Seems the most sensible to me!

CatSeany · 27/11/2022 07:19

The rich are rich for a reason. I think she's being unreasonable though... I'd never dream of charging my family for help. Probably why I'm not rich.

Summerhillsquare · 27/11/2022 07:20

As I have no family I sometimes feel rather lonely, but then I hear things like this and feel relieved!

lightisnotwhite · 27/11/2022 07:21

@daisychain01 “Had the OP said to her sister "we're really hard up for money, would you be able to bring your carpet cleaner over and help with the carpet - sorry I've got no money I'm afraid but I'll make you a nice meal to pay for your time" it would have given the sister the opportunity to either accept or decline. Instead the OP just expected it to happen because the sister is loaded. It isn't about the money it's the way people communicate and based on what I read on here peoples relationship issues are 99% due to poor expectations set and not being honest.”

Equally the sister should have said something when the Op wanted help. That’s the way that makes more sense; Op asks, sister says what she expects in return.
The sister only got payment because the Op asked what she could get her. The poor communication was entirely down to the sister being grabby not the Op.

username8888 · 27/11/2022 07:22

Pay her £1 a week until it's paid off

username8888 · 27/11/2022 07:24

She can't force you to pay as there was no agreement beforehand.

boboshmobo · 27/11/2022 07:27

Jesus ! I have totally cleaned my Mum's ( big) house 100 times over and dressed it for sale . I also cleaned all the carpets and tidied the garden . I haven't charged her a penny because she is my Mum!

Yes I'm not short of money but I also know the value of it because I work in retail but this is so wrong ..

Like you say I'd be more upset about the underhand way she decided. You would have struggled on your own and not asked her !

Billybagpuss · 27/11/2022 07:29

Ive transferred the money to pay for your ‘services’. I hadn’t actually realised when I asked my sister for a favour that you were planning to charge me. If I’d known this, I’d probably have just hired a machine myself or managed without, as paying this unexpected bill to you, has put us in a tight spot - money is very limited for us at the moment. Mostly though, I’m sad that our relationship is so transactional - it genuinely wouldn’t have occurred to me to charge you for a favour, so this has been a bit of a shock

I think I’d be inclined to send something along these lines.

badbaduncle · 27/11/2022 07:34

I'd tell her that you've inspected her work and it isn't up to scratch for the charges she is making. Refund or you'll give her a bad review on google.

FurAndFeathers · 27/11/2022 07:39

daisychain01 · 27/11/2022 06:58

It isnt about me though, I haven't made it about me or what favours I do my family and what recompense I expect or don't. That isn't the point.

it's how you treat family members, and how you set expectations when you ask for help. Just expecting things and not giving the other person any kind of consideration is taking them for granted.

My BIL does solar panel installations for a living. We could have tapped him up for advice or to do a survey of our house for nothing, But we haven't, because this is what always happens, family put upon each other with no consideration for their life and commitments. If anything we deliberately don't mix business with family, because we want to preserve the relationship and not muddy the water.

Had the OP said to her sister "we're really hard up for money, would you be able to bring your carpet cleaner over and help with the carpet - sorry I've got no money I'm afraid but I'll make you a nice meal to pay for your time" it would have given the sister the opportunity to either accept or decline. Instead the OP just expected it to happen because the sister is loaded. It isn't about the money it's the way people communicate and based on what I read on here peoples relationship issues are 99% due to poor expectations set and not being honest.

Maybe the sister was just giving the OP the message, stop taking me for granted.

Show quote history

No it’s not about you, it’s about the OP and she’s clearly bewildered and hurt and not a CF (as she’s paid her sister immediately) so your determination to attack the OP and paint her as someone who expected her sister to do things for her because she’s loaded and who takes her sister for granted doesn’t align with ANY of the info the OP has given. The OP has said herself that her sister’s financial situation is irrelevant except as context that she’s not struggling herself, and that mostly she’s hurt about the sister’s transactional view of the relationship when she thought it was more affectionate.

Honestly why are you so determined to attack someone who is clearly upset based on a scenario that you’ve imagined.

it’s really unpleasant

Newmum0322 · 27/11/2022 07:40

the financial situation is largely irrelevant in think. Is there a chance she felt a bit put out? Did you ask to borrow her vacuum and then she did all the work?

if you said to her ‘sis, I need you to come over with the vac and clean for hours while I do something else’ that’s one thing. If you didn’t make it clear she’d be doing this and made it sound like she was popping over to do some light help while you did the work… I reckon she’s being passive aggressive and letting you know shes not impressed. The whole ‘when I got a cleaner in I was charged £15ph’ makes it sound like she feels that you treated her like hired help!

Either way better communication needed on both sides.

goadyolddough · 27/11/2022 07:43

Tell her that if you'd known you'd have got a professional in!

NotAnotherCrisis · 27/11/2022 07:46

I agree with the repayment plan idea of £5 a week (or less).

A close relative of mine once offered to get my DC an icecream when I was really hard up then AFTERWARDS saw I had £4 change on the side and asked for it as repayment 😅I did say no, which didn't go down well ...

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 27/11/2022 07:47

God your sister is a bit of a bitch isn't she. I wouldn't have transferred the money, if she wanted payment she should have mentioned before. I see you have though. In honesty, don't do her any favours in future. She doesn't work, helping her family out for one day isn't asking much.