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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset that friend told me I couldn’t get pregnant before her wedding?

384 replies

LilyPad11 · 26/11/2022 19:28

My best friend is getting married next December and has asked me and another of our childhood friends to be bridesmaids.

To provide a bit of context I had a really traumatic late miscarriage in august which DF knew about, and I was always open about wanting to TTC again once me and my husband were ready. Fast forward to now and DF asked me to be bridesmaid last week which I was so happy about. I was talking to her today about being worried we would not conceive again or suffer another MC and her only reply was ‘you are not allowed to get pregnant before the wedding, I will be really angry with you’

The wedding is still a year away and I really don’t want to put our TTC plans on hold for that long but I feel like now if I do get pregnant it will be overshadowed by the feeling of disappointing my DF. I really don’t want any bad feelings around this potential pregnancy as I will be so lucky just to carry a healthy baby and I don’t want anything to get in the way of that happiness.

Sorry for the essay but basically AIBU to feel really upset about this situation?

OP posts:
JuneOsborne · 26/11/2022 20:19

She's not thinking straight. That's the kindest thing I can think of to say.

Sorry for your loss.

BatshitBanshee · 26/11/2022 20:19

JenniferBarkley · 26/11/2022 20:12

Is this in character? If so, back away and don't be a bridesmaid.

If not then for the sake of the friendship I'd put it down to a moment of madness or a bad joke and try to forget it. Hopefully before too long (if you're ready Flowers) you'll be announcing a pregnancy and if she says anything then just laugh and say that you thought it was a joke and of course you weren't going to delay your family for a wedding a year away. Then take it from there.

If she's one of the last to get married, she may resent attention switching from weddings to babies, and her friends running out of steam a bit. She's in the wrong (obviously!) but that may be the reasoning behind it.

There is no friendship if that heartless bitch thinks it's ok to say that, to anyone, ever.

OP I admire you for still mulling over this and giving some consideration to her feelings when she has absolutely none for you. I would have blocked, ghosted and cut her out immediately. If you're going to pull out - and I hope you do because this is the first of a long list of demands she'll have - then do not even think of saying "I'm sorry but ..."

Just say: Bridget I've thought about what you said the other night at dinner re: not being "allowed" to get pregnant before your wedding and to be honest, that order doesn't work for me. I do hope you'll have a wonderful wedding day but I won't be able to join you. Many thanks for considering me.

And to be petty, I'd send same to her DH saying "Joe, I'm so glad Bridget asked me to be her bridesmaid but I found the order that I'm "not allowed" (her words) to get pregnant before the wedding a little uncomfortable and as I said to your future wife, it just won't work for me. I wish you both all the best and hope you have a beautiful day." Good fucking luck pal*

*Optional

Seriously I'd blow that up in the most polite way. What a fucking bitch.

onionringcheeseypuff · 26/11/2022 20:19

"Friend, you know you are so important to me, but you know starting a family is more important and we can't delay trying for another year.

We are so happy for you and your future and just really hope you feel the same for us. I won't be a bridesmaid because I can't promise to not be pregnant, but I will be there with you when you have your happiest day."

This is what I would say however what I really think is what a bitch how dare she want me to put my happiness on hold for over a year It is both unreasonable and insane

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 26/11/2022 20:20

I'm so sorry for your loss ❤️
Your friend is an asshole. Even if she was joking, she's an asshole.
I would be honest with her. Tell her this upset you and you don't appreciate it, because if you don't and you plan to be her BM, this ridiculous bridezilla behaviour will continue.

Flooper · 26/11/2022 20:20

I'd have laughed loudly in her face and told her to get a grip. And then I'd have whatsapped my other pals to tell them all about it so we could all marvel at her bridezilla-ness.

Unlike loads of people on MN I quite like a wedding, and if it's a close friend's wedding I'll enjoy it all the more. It won't impact my life one jot though beyond being there on the day and perhaps having a hangover the following morning.

roarfeckingroarr · 26/11/2022 20:21

I thought you were going to say she had pointed out a sad fact that you're unlikely to have a child.... not she effectively banned you! Totally ridiculous.

Crumpledegg · 26/11/2022 20:21

I was a bridesmaid and had my baby 4 months before the wedding. It was a hugely stressful time as my friend was really shitty about the fact I had my DS. Even through the planning she was dropping comments basically shaming me for being pregnant. I took it and said nothing, tried harder to please her and made myself ill with stress over it. Never again. We are still close but ill never forgive how she made me feel. Id drop out as a bridesmaid now as the last thing you need after your miscarriage is stress because of her. Her wedding doesn't come before you TTC. Good luck x

DangerNoodles · 26/11/2022 20:22

So she expects you to plan your family around her wedding day? It's such a selfish demand to make of somebody and cruel given she knows you miscarried so recently.

Back out now, she is going to be an insufferable bridezilla.

qwerdi · 26/11/2022 20:23

Tell her you don't want to be a bridesmaid due to her comment.

PurpleFlower1983 · 26/11/2022 20:23

I would politely decline, if this is how she is now think how bad it will get!

Lupinspotato · 26/11/2022 20:23

Sorry for your loss.

I think like what many others have said. Say that you cannot be a bridesmaid as you want to TTC, but you are looking forward to the wedding. How she responds to that will help you decide if you should remain friends.

jtaeapa · 26/11/2022 20:23

What the actual fucking fuck Shock

Crack on with TTC. A baby could be born and 3 months old by the time her stupid wedding happens. Anyway. No way should you stop TTC. You just tell her in a calm way if you get pregnant and if she gets stroppy you get rid of the silly bitch. Who tells others when to TTC?!

You should probably consider dumping her as a friend anyway.

Stripyhoglets1 · 26/11/2022 20:23

I'd back out now. Say that following her comment you think it best for both of you to say you can't be BM now so she can choose someone else. Make it clear you intend to TTC so cannot guarantee her request. I'd say the loss you had devastated you both and you are not putting having a family on hold for 12 months.

What an awful thing for her to say to anyone - let alone after your loss.

MarvelMrs · 26/11/2022 20:24

Just step down from being a bridesmaid. You’ll probably enjoy the day more anyway.

Itsnotaferret · 26/11/2022 20:26

She is not your friend tell the self centred twat to fuck off

Snugglemonkey · 26/11/2022 20:26

She is not a friend and can fuck right off.

I am so sorry for your loss and wish you all the best with your rainbow 💐

Original poster
LilyPad11 · 26/11/2022 20:27

I just wanted to reach out and say thank you for all the replies I have had. I have read each and every one of them and I now feel a lot more confident in how I am feeling and I know that I was not being unreasonable to be upset. I am still very raw and sensitive about my miscarriage and I was worried I was wrong to feel so hurt.
I am going to assume that it was a really terrible joke and if the subject comes up again I am now armed with many responses!
Thank you for the support Mumsnet!

OP posts:
RosesAndHellebores · 26/11/2022 20:28

OP there is only one answer for her. "Thank you for asking me to be your bridesmaid I feel honoured. However as you have said you don't wish me to be pregnant between now and the wedding, I am afraid I must decline your request".

There are only two queries op. Either she was being pithy and not serious or she has the empathy of a gnat and is exceptionally selfish. If the latter I'd decline the wedding invitation as well and send a card with a £25 voucher B&M in it.

Hopefully you won't give a flying because by the time the wedding comes round, you'll have a baby in your arms and crying tears of happiness.

BatshitBanshee · 26/11/2022 20:28

LilyPad11 · 26/11/2022 20:27

I just wanted to reach out and say thank you for all the replies I have had. I have read each and every one of them and I now feel a lot more confident in how I am feeling and I know that I was not being unreasonable to be upset. I am still very raw and sensitive about my miscarriage and I was worried I was wrong to feel so hurt.
I am going to assume that it was a really terrible joke and if the subject comes up again I am now armed with many responses!
Thank you for the support Mumsnet!

Ask yourself if you're comfortable with a "friend" using your trauma as a "bad joke". I think you deserve better OP.

PinkyFlamingo · 26/11/2022 20:29

She can't be your best friend surely?

PollyPurpose · 26/11/2022 20:30

Sorry for your loss. I’d politely decline being bridesmaid and attend as a friend instead.
no friend of mine would say that, if they did we wouldn’t remain friends. it’s so selfish and thoughtless and sad.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 26/11/2022 20:31

It doesn't sound like a friend at all, tbh. Not only would I tell her, nicely, that I needed to decline her gracious (barf) request to be a bride's maid because my personal and family life was uncertain for the next year; I'd also tell her that because of this I would completely understand not being invited to the wedding (save your money) as I would hate being last minute no show.
The I'd get ride back on the horse 😉and try my best to put my grief behind me. You must look after you, sister. And if you find yourself unpregnant when that wedding rolls around make sure you and your stallion are booked for a weekend away. I am so sorry for your loss. Surround yourself with loving and caring friends and family. Cut loose any that are not kind and sympathetic.

Cherrysoup · 26/11/2022 20:31

She is not your friend.

Craftybodger · 26/11/2022 20:33

I wouldn’t wait for the conversation to come up again. I would contact the Bride and make it very clear that you will not put potential conception on hold for her wedding and if this doesn’t suit her plans then you will of course step down.

I am sorry for your loss, I hope you don’t lose a friend over this but if you do she was never really your friend.

sausagepastapot · 26/11/2022 20:34

Your 'friend', is a cunt.