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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset that friend told me I couldn’t get pregnant before her wedding?

384 replies

LilyPad11 · 26/11/2022 19:28

My best friend is getting married next December and has asked me and another of our childhood friends to be bridesmaids.

To provide a bit of context I had a really traumatic late miscarriage in august which DF knew about, and I was always open about wanting to TTC again once me and my husband were ready. Fast forward to now and DF asked me to be bridesmaid last week which I was so happy about. I was talking to her today about being worried we would not conceive again or suffer another MC and her only reply was ‘you are not allowed to get pregnant before the wedding, I will be really angry with you’

The wedding is still a year away and I really don’t want to put our TTC plans on hold for that long but I feel like now if I do get pregnant it will be overshadowed by the feeling of disappointing my DF. I really don’t want any bad feelings around this potential pregnancy as I will be so lucky just to carry a healthy baby and I don’t want anything to get in the way of that happiness.

Sorry for the essay but basically AIBU to feel really upset about this situation?

OP posts:
MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 26/11/2022 20:07

That's no friend. Tell her to piss off.

AdoraBell · 26/11/2022 20:07

WTAF? Tell her to fuck off.

amonsteronthehill · 26/11/2022 20:08

I would decline to be a bridesmaid now. Tell her you don't want to upset her, but as she has no business dictating your plans to start a family with your husband, it would be best to step down now so you can remain friends.

Not sure I'd want to remain friends with someone who felt this was a 'request/dictate' they could make, though.

Original poster
LilyPad11 · 26/11/2022 20:08

Shefliesonherownwings · 26/11/2022 19:39

Wow, what an absolute cow. When I had a very late loss, I was desperate to get pregnant again as soon as I could start trying and was lucky enough to fall pregnant fairly quickly. Nothing on this earth would had stopped me from trying.

She is being completely unfeeling, insensitive and unreasonable. To say that to someone anyway is crazy but to say that to someone who has suffered a loss is shocking and a deal breaker in my opinion. Had any of my friends said that to me they would no longer be my friend, no matter how long and close the friendship.

I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s the worst feeling I have ever experienced and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I feel like another pregnancy although it would absolutely not replace the little one we lost it would help with the healing journey as being parents is something myself and my husband have anyways wanted and talked about. So pleased you managed to fall pregnant again so quickly, I’m hoping it will be the same for us and I will just have to deal with the difficult discussion regarding the wedding!

OP posts:
Summerishere123 · 26/11/2022 20:08

Message her and say you are sorry but you have to decline being bridesmaid as you want to TTC.

Solonge · 26/11/2022 20:09

That is one Bridezilla!!! WTF does she think she is telling someone to put their life on hold for a wedding???? Ive never understood this entire...'oh its my big day and everything must be perfect...no kids allowed...no putting on weight if you are a bridesmade...you must all do as I say' I would say...very politely...thanks but no thanks. We wish to have a baby and not willing to wait. So do ask another. Some people really do take the biscuit...no wonder so many marriages fall apart...these women expect marriage to be a Happy Ever after....not real life.

grubblyplank · 26/11/2022 20:09

I would be declining the offer of being a bridesmaid as I would tell her that I wouldn't be putting off TTC and therefore couldn't promise that's pregnancy wouldn't happen ahead of her wedding. The nerve of some
people!!

BellePeppa · 26/11/2022 20:09

Was she the inspiration for ‘with friends like these …..’? How awful and what a horrible friend. She’d be really angry at you? I have no words really.

Lolacat1234 · 26/11/2022 20:10

My friend did this to me when I fell pregnant before her destination wedding where I was going to be a bridesmaid. It was well over a year in advance so I would have had the baby at this point, but she didn't want me to have a baby at her destination wedding. Difference in this situation is I was already pregnant! It was unplanned so I was considering termination (very briefly) and she used her wedding as a reason I should terminate. I ended up having the baby and he came to her wedding and it was all fine. Honestly she is my best friend in all the world and usually so kind, considerate and thoughtful, there is something about weddings that turns nice women into absolute cowbags sometimes! Mind you this was over a decade ago and we were pretty young at the time. I think if I reminded her about this now she would be completely mortified and heartbroken she behaved like that (especially as the marriage didn't last more than 6 months but that's beside the point!) what I'm trying to say is that yes it's totally out of order and you should continue with your plans regardless but maybe (hopefully) she is a usually nice person like my friend that is just totally caught up with the wedding and needs a bit of a reality check. I wish I had been firmer with my friend at the time and told her how out of order she was being.

IWantAShitzu · 26/11/2022 20:10

I don’t understand peoples mentality!

a close friend of mine who was my bridesmaid fell pregnant with a shock baby, as her first had to be conceived through IVF. I was over the moon for her. It meant that her baby would only be a few weeks old at my wedding.

I sat her down and asked her what she wanted to do! I said she was welcome to pick her own dress and wear flats or just come as a guest if she didn’t feel up to it on the day. I also packed her some pregnancy friendly goodies on the day of my hen do and delivered them on the morning, as she hadn’t given birth by that point. I can’t imagine ever being so selfish!

dont stop TTC!

MissBattleaxe · 26/11/2022 20:10

I'm speechless. If you want to stay friends with a woman who doesn't give a shit about you then you need to look at your self esteem, OP. You deserve better and she is unbelievably selfish, especially after what you've ben through. Cut your losses and get better friends. And tell she has hurt you and is out of order and even Mumsnet agrees!

Solonge · 26/11/2022 20:11

One question.....WTF are the 3% saying Op is unreasonable????? more Bridezilla's????

JenniferBarkley · 26/11/2022 20:12

Is this in character? If so, back away and don't be a bridesmaid.

If not then for the sake of the friendship I'd put it down to a moment of madness or a bad joke and try to forget it. Hopefully before too long (if you're ready Flowers) you'll be announcing a pregnancy and if she says anything then just laugh and say that you thought it was a joke and of course you weren't going to delay your family for a wedding a year away. Then take it from there.

If she's one of the last to get married, she may resent attention switching from weddings to babies, and her friends running out of steam a bit. She's in the wrong (obviously!) but that may be the reasoning behind it.

PortalooSunset · 26/11/2022 20:12

I'd pull out of bridesmaid duties right now tbh!

kateandme · 26/11/2022 20:12

Where is your head at op if you think this is at all acceptable.get her in the bin.noone should say this to anyone.friend or not tbh!
Please go to bed right now and start making babies.good luck.you deserve your baby whenever YOU are ready to try.she can frankly f off.

Hesma · 26/11/2022 20:14

How insensitive of her. Good luck to you OP

ComfortablyDazed · 26/11/2022 20:15

Just say to her, ‘I’m really honoured you asked me to be your bridesmaid, but I’m unfortunately going to have to say no. I’m telling you now to give you as much notice as possible. But I can’t put our plans to have a baby on hold for over a year, and as you need me to do that, I can’t be in your wedding party. I’m more than happy to help in any other way, and can’t wait to attend as a guest’.

Grey23 · 26/11/2022 20:15

Shes not your best friend, she's your worst enemy

Spellcheck · 26/11/2022 20:16

Weddings have become ridiculous.
The utterly self-obsessed wedding cretins who think their 'big day' is more important than any life events their friends might be experiencing need a massive punch in the face.
Why can't it be about their actual marriage - the person they're marrying? The future they're creating together? Why is it all about that one day? Why should her one day be more important to you than you trying to conceive, or your feelings of loss over your miscarriage?
I can't think of expletives strong enough to describe your selfish, vain, idiotic friend.

MintJulia · 26/11/2022 20:16

YABU but only because why would you take the slightest bit of notice?

Are you prepared to delay your chance to be a mum for the sake of a few wedding photos? Get a grip woman and get on with TTC !

Good luck 🙂xx

Icanflyhigh · 26/11/2022 20:16

ComfortablyDazed · 26/11/2022 20:15

Just say to her, ‘I’m really honoured you asked me to be your bridesmaid, but I’m unfortunately going to have to say no. I’m telling you now to give you as much notice as possible. But I can’t put our plans to have a baby on hold for over a year, and as you need me to do that, I can’t be in your wedding party. I’m more than happy to help in any other way, and can’t wait to attend as a guest’.

I don't think I could be that polite after she'd said that to me!

A better plan would be to reveal your pregnancy at the wedding reception!!

Awkwardusername · 26/11/2022 20:16

I got told by my friend (who I am bridesmaid for) that I couldn’t get pregnant before her wedding…unfortunately for her I’m due a fortnight beforehand 🤷🏽‍♀️

Don’t let her put your life on hold, do what is right for you and if she’s genuinely annoyed, so be it!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 26/11/2022 20:17

Please tell her to fuck right off.

Good luck TTC. x

LadyEloise1 · 26/11/2022 20:18

fancyacuppatea · 26/11/2022 19:39

I think you're well within your rights to tell her to shove your bridesmaid dress up her arse find another bridesmaid.

Love this. 👍

Sceptre86 · 26/11/2022 20:19

l understand you not saying anything at the time. However now you've had time to think on what she has said find some confidence, phone and speak to her. Wish her well for the wedding but say you are not holding off try and if that means you can't be a bridesmaid so bile it. If she's a true friend she will realise how rude she's been and apologise. If not then she isn't worth the effort.

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