To think my mate is shit?

[LosAmigos]

I see my best friend regularly. He is very busy with work and everything else and we were supposed to be meeting up soon to do an activity but as he was so busy, I suggested that we can postpone until things get a little bit less busy for him after the new year. He agreed. I was disappointed, but these things happen.

We were texting yesterday when he drops into conversation that he has a date coming up in a few weeks. Now, I'm a little bit pissed that he has time for someone he has never met before, but not me. I expressed this to him and he thinks i'm being silly.

We have very close relationship and speak everyday.

AIBU to be pissed off at him?

@InsomniacVampire He has said that he's known how I've felt for a while. All the time he was planning cosy holidays for just him and me, he was planning us living together in the future. He even messaged me and told me he loved me at one point in the summer. When I questioned him about it he didn't answer. Has he just been playing with my feelings knowing how I felt about him?

Maybe? If he knew how you felt, why would he be giving you hope of a life together? I mean, either he was manipulating you (unpleasant), or maybe as a friend he felt sorry, or maybe it was a backup plan, sort of like in the old romcom My Best Friend's Wedding? Either way, it was not realistic, he knew it, and you know it too. The fact he can't give you an explanation if quite indicative. There is no reasonable explanation why he would make you believe you had some sort of future together- especially one full of holidays and living and growing old together. Your confession didnt ruin anything- I really dont think this frienship was as strong as you think.
The only way to get over it is to step away (which I think you are ahppy with, before sinking back into believing you are missing out on something).

Above posters are on the right track.

He was getting something out of your relationship based on your love for him. You don't have to be sexually attracted to someone to get your ego stroked because that person is head over heels in love with you. Male or female, gay or straight, it's a 'validation' to them just to know that someone, anyone, is 'pining' over them. If he's 'faded away' it's probably because you've spoken your truth and he realizes he can no longer lead you on then claim that he had 'no idea' you had feelings for him. He would have to accept responsibility for his part in your pain and he's not about to do that. I know I've said it before, but it's time to stop contacting him. In fact, you should block him and delete his phone number. He is of no use to you, and it's actively harming you to stay in touch with him

You're better off without him. He was, in essence, leading you on with his plans and promises, not because he wanted any kind of future with you, but because your reaction and eagerness to fall in with his plans and suggestions made him feel like he was all that and a bag of crisps. I'm so sorry, because I'm sure that's hurtful to read. But it is what it is. And now you can concentrate on YOU and moving forward.

I know you want to think the best of him. And since you had some great (friendship) times with him your friendship hasn't been completely 'wasted'. But now it's had its run. Did you ever seek counseling? Please do. You aren't the first person who has fallen in love with someone who cannot return that love because of their sexual orientation. And you aren't the last person who will be toyed with by someone who is, frankly, cruel enough to play with someone's heart like it's a toy.

Don't kick yourself for telling him the truth, it was the right thing to do. It is always better to live your true life, not one based on false hopes. Now, with counseling, you can step out of that 'half shadow' you were living under into the sunshine, and you can find someone who can truly value you and love you.

Thank you for your replies.

Today I feel so sad. Just so desperately sad.

He didn't reply to my messages, but read them, which I sent last week. If it was my best friend that had said they'd loved me, but I couldn't return the feelings then I know that I would be checking they were ok because I'd recognise they'd be having a shit time of it. Not a peep from him, and certainly not him asking how i'm doing.

Maybe he doesn't know what to say?

Oh dear. I think you need to withdraw from this friendship. It's hard to see how it could be anything but painful long term.

IMO he's doing the right thing. The friendship no longer exists. When one person develops feelings, it changes the relationship. And by keeping him in your life, you will struggle to find someone else. But by him withdrawing, it forces you to get over him. This is for the best.

If your best friend had said they loved you, you would have sat them down right away and explained gently that their feelings are not and cannot be returned. Then you would have helped them make the decision that was best for them, and you would have stuck to it and helped them stick to it, too. Even if that meant blocking them.

You originally asked him for space, but as of now you still haven't gotten that space because you've been messaging him to try and keep that 'connection'. And he hasn't helped you because he's responded. Maybe he has finally decided that it's better for you that the connection is completely severed. I agree with that. You aren't moving forward or really trying to break that connection yourself. But chances are he's doing his usual cruel thing of ignoring you when he has 'better offers', or perhaps he's embarked on a relationship.

The thing is, you are continuing to torture yourself. You must ask yourself why you're doing that. It's so destructive to your wellbeing and your mental health. Please, please start the ball rolling on counseling. Are you're not doing so because you secretly want to keep that connection? If so, then 'feel the fear and act anyway'. You have nothing to lose but your heartbreak, and so much to gain including the possibility of someone who actually can return your love.

My Christmas wish for you is that you feel peace and the courage to block him and start your journey to a healthy and free life.

Thank you all for your kind words and advice.

Things have been OK with my friend, we still talk. I am still very much hurting by the whole situation though and today he texted me to tell me he has a date tomorrow. I don't know why he needed to tell me that. I had a good cry earlier and no doubt will tomorrow too.

As someone who’s fancied a close male friend I’d either distance or tell him. As well as start dating other guys

If he has expressed no interest and is dating someone then he’s either not interested in you or he secretly is but doesn’t want to admit

Either way if you continue like this your friendship will suffer

You’re your own worst enemy, OP.

Why shouldn’t he mention his upcoming date to his friend? What happens when he moves in with her and gets married?

I did tell him. It's all in the full thread above.

Why do I need to know about a date though?!

To make it even more explicit that he's not going to be in a relationship with you and he's actively looking for a relationship with someone else.

I'm very aware of that though.

@LosAmigos

I agree with @cookiesbeforepookies . You ARE being your own worst enemy. As long as you keep contact with him you are NEVER going to heal and stop loving him. You know it's absolutely impossible, he's GAY. Why you want to keep stabbing yourself with that knife is beyond me.

As far as why he told you he had a date, well, why not? He considers you a FRIEND and that is something that a friend would tell another friend, isn't it? Back in my single days (when the Earth was cooling) if I had a date the first thing I'd do would be to ring my BFF and say "X has asked me out!!!" or words to that effect. And we would have squealed together in excitement and planned what I was going to wear. BUT (and I know that this is a bit different) if the guy who asked me out was someone my BFF had indicated she 'liked' too, I wouldn't have called her as I wouldn't have wanted to hurt her or make her feel sad. Do you see the point? He doesn't care if you are hurt. It's all about him and his being validated by you as a friend, regardless of your feelings. That makes him NOT a very good friend!

It's just more proof that your pain and your love for him mean less than nothing to him. Because if it did, he would have realized this would hurt you, that this whole situation was hurting you. You've told him how you feel and he doesn't care enough to try to help you heal and move forward. No, all he cares about is himself and having you as a friend, regardless of the cost to your mental health.

No one can fix this but you. And you know what you need to do.

Hi @AcrossthePond55 I absolutely need to walk away. It's like he keeps dangling the carrot and then snatching it away anyway. I am so tired of being emotionally drained. It's time for me to start putting myself first and that means me going none-contact with him.

@LosAmigos

Now you're getting it! But seeing it and saying it isn't enough. You have to do it.

So, why don't you start by blocking him today. Just do it now. Send him a message that you're doing it or don't send him a message. But don't send one if what you want is to get a rise out of him, to provoke a reaction. Don't do that.

Block him, then go out and take a walk. Breathe in some fresh (even if freezing) fresh air. Then come home, pop on some music and clean out a cupboard or your closet. Do something that, when you're done, you'll see a visible result and can thing "I accomplished that. I can accomplish anything".

You can do this.

Hello everyone,

Thanks so much for all your advice.

I just wanted to update. We are still in contact, although things are strained. He had a first date a few weeks back and numerous other dates with the new man since. I am still going through some difficult emotions regarding the situation and he knows this. He seems to have really basked in telling me about his times with this new man, including the fact that they will probably sleep together soon. I have asked him about five times not to, yet he has ignored this. I have gone quiet on him while I consider our friendship. It's dead, I know. I feel I am grieving the loss of what was previously a wonderful friendship.

I think first of all you need to come to terms with the fact this was NOT a wonderful friendship, but something you extremely idealised. He was inconsiderate before, just in a different way and you ignored that because you had hopes for this to evolve into something romantic.
It seems he is selfish, self-absorbed and now either purposedly hurting you and enjoying it or trying in his way to tell you to walk off, but he does not want to be the one to say it.
For him, you fulfilled your role, now he has someone lined up (Ipresume he has been single for a long while? And he no longer feels like he needs to make backup plans growing old with you.
Please follow the advice multiple people gave you and go NC with this man and leave him to his own devices.
He is what I think I read people call emotional vampire, he feeds off your emotions and leaves you drained. Dont give him the satisfaction.

How long have you known him?

Because you went on this thread from besties to ‘relationship irrevocably changed’ within like ten days. I have close friends I wouldn’t even speak to within a ten day stretch.

It all seems very very intense and I find myself wondering whether he’s a new best friend and you’ve gone all in really hard.

How can you be ‘in love’ with him? That doesn’t make any sense to me. Fancy him, idolise him, sure. But love is a two way street. You don’t love him, in the real sense. It’s a form of obsession.

I really think you need to block him for both your sakes.

@LosAmigos

At this point I can only repeat what I've said numerous times; you need to go NC with him. Block him.

He is NOT your friend. Insisting on telling you about his love life when you've asked him not to is NOT the actions of a friend. He knows how you feel about him and he doesn't care. It's more important to him to be able to hear himself talk about his 'romance'. And to tell you that they'll be having sex soon is just the height of cruelty. I really don't understand why you aren't infuriated by him.

If you had to have an amputation, would you rather have it done with a sterile surgical saw or have it hacked off piece by piece with a rusty icepick? I'd choose the saw. You're choosing the rusty ice pick.

See I don’t necessarily think he’s being cruel.

I think he’s drawing boundaries.

It’s perfectly fine for him to prioritise dating over a friendship. And it’s definitely fine for him to make it clear he’s not interested, gay, and hoping to shag his new partner and not OP.

But I thought I was drawing boundaries by telling him not to text me about his new romance.

You are right. I have reduced contact massively but until I cut contact completely, it will continue to be painful. I keep thinking that if he was truly my best friend and cared an iota he wouldn't be telling me about his new man despite me repeatedly requesting that he doesn't.