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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my mate is shit?

231 replies

LosAmigos · 26/11/2022 10:08

I see my best friend regularly. He is very busy with work and everything else and we were supposed to be meeting up soon to do an activity but as he was so busy, I suggested that we can postpone until things get a little bit less busy for him after the new year. He agreed. I was disappointed, but these things happen.

We were texting yesterday when he drops into conversation that he has a date coming up in a few weeks. Now, I'm a little bit pissed that he has time for someone he has never met before, but not me. I expressed this to him and he thinks i'm being silly.

We have very close relationship and speak everyday.

AIBU to be pissed off at him?

OP posts:
Wrinklydinkly · 26/11/2022 17:50

You have nothing to lose by telling him,except the friendship, and then if that happens, you can move on and find someone who loves you .

GoonerGirl5231 · 26/11/2022 18:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

No she's not. Don't be so nasty.

Original poster
LosAmigos · 26/11/2022 19:53

GoonerGirl5231 · 26/11/2022 18:16

No she's not. Don't be so nasty.

Show quote history

Thanks GoonerGirl 🙂

I'm not unhinged. I've just fallen in love with my best friend and i'm struggling to deal with it. Worse things have happened.

OP posts:
malificent7 · 26/11/2022 19:55

Oh ffs...let him know!

Original poster
LosAmigos · 26/11/2022 20:51

malificent7 · 26/11/2022 19:55

Oh ffs...let him know!

I can't 😞He definitely isn't interested.

OP posts:
ExhaustedButHappy22 · 26/11/2022 20:54

I'm really sorry but it sounds to me that as well as you being in love with him (which is one issue) you also clearly hold the friendship in a higher esteem than he does.

If he's regularly historically blowing you off for his housemate etc. Then he doesn't class you as his best mate.

SwishSwishBisch · 26/11/2022 21:04

I notice you didn’t acknowledge my earlier reply OP, and I get it. You aren’t ready to confront the issue yet.
But how you feel about this specific issue is nothing to do with him being a ‘shit friend’, it’s entirely to do with your jealousy & unrequited feelings. Making time for dates (especially if there’s the chance of getting laid) is a totally different arena to making plans with friends. He’s told you when he expects to be available to do this thing with you. If he also finds time to date in-between now and then, that’s absolutely fine because
He. Is. Not. Yours.

Brokenunicorn · 26/11/2022 21:15

If he doesn't know, his next girlfriend will be able to tell and it will get so messy and you'll end up really thinking he's a shit because he will almost certainly cut contact with you to please her. This is only going to get worse.

AtrociousCircumstance · 26/11/2022 21:20

How do you know he’s definitely not interested? Have you told him before or made a move and been rebuffed?

CookPassBabtridge · 27/11/2022 00:41

He might assume you're the one not interested?

Original poster
LosAmigos · 27/11/2022 17:06

I think he probably does know I am interested actually.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 27/11/2022 17:09

Why do you think he knows?

Just cut your losses, tell him how you feel once and for all, and say goodbye to the friendship if he doesn’t feel the same.

An agonising drawn out unfriendship isn’t fair to you or him. He wants a friend, not someone pretending to want friendship but actually wanting everything from him. And you deserve to be free of this paralysed state of wanting and sadness and jealousy.

Butterlover1 · 27/11/2022 17:10

LosAmigos · 27/11/2022 17:06

I think he probably does know I am interested actually.

Tell him explicitly, not in hints

Tell him you've realised you're jealous about the date and now know why etc...

C'mon OP, don't miss a chance to take a leap of faith.

TBH, if this date works out you might find you see less and less of him anyway so what do you have to lose really..!

Original poster
LosAmigos · 27/11/2022 17:15

I can't tell him. There's no point. He won't fancy me back.

I felt at rock bottom last night over it. Dramatic, I know, but I love him so much.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 27/11/2022 17:50

Then you have to give him space. For your own sake too.

ReneBumsWombats · 27/11/2022 18:00

LosAmigos · 27/11/2022 17:15

I can't tell him. There's no point. He won't fancy me back.

I felt at rock bottom last night over it. Dramatic, I know, but I love him so much.

So if you tell him, and he lets you down, what have you lost?

InsomniacVampire · 27/11/2022 18:25

I know a few people said stuff along the lines of "tell him, I did and now we're married with kids", but being on both sides of this... I was approached by a very good friend about getting together, it made things super awkward and eventually we stopped going out together totally. The second time, I knew Very Good Friend 2 had feelings for me and I was so grateful he never mentioned anything, we ended up parting ways naturally. I approached a Good Friend 3 and regretted it ever since, it made things super awkward and we were around each other a lot for other reasons, and I wanted to hide myhead in my handbag every time we had to cross paths. Glad it worked for some though!

I think I would try to just float away and see if he seeks contact/meet ups with you. Maybe one day he will gravitate towards you, who knows, if it is meant to be, it may happen, but if you put a lot more effort into it, and he spends most of his efforts trying to meet up with other people, it'spretty telling he does not value you as much as you value him. Who knows, maybe if you take care of yourself,start going out on your own and start seeing other men he will click and see you as more desirable?

DelorisVC · 27/11/2022 18:25

LosAmigos · 27/11/2022 17:15

I can't tell him. There's no point. He won't fancy me back.

I felt at rock bottom last night over it. Dramatic, I know, but I love him so much.

I’m sorry you feel so down about it.
Maybe you need a break from him.
It sounds like he is not prioritising you regardless of if he knows or not.
By all means tell him if that’s what you want to do, why are you so sure your not his type ?

AcrossthePond55 · 27/11/2022 20:46

LosAmigos · 27/11/2022 17:15

I can't tell him. There's no point. He won't fancy me back.

I felt at rock bottom last night over it. Dramatic, I know, but I love him so much.

Well, you CAN tell him, you are choosing not to.

That's not to say it's not a reasonable decision. If one of you is gay and the other is straight then you are right, there is no point in telling as your love can never be reciprocated. But there's also no resolution to your pain other than ending the friendship yourself. Or perhaps getting counseling to help you get over this 'love'. And counseling can do that, but you have to be committed to it.

But if it's something other than sexual preference incompatibility, perhaps something you perceive about your appearance or perhaps a cultural or religious difference then why not take the chance? I mean, you're miserable and torturing yourself over him already. If he tells you that he'll never reciprocate then that could be the beginning of your healing. As much as you say out loud 'he'd never' subconsciously your mind is saying 'maybe maybe, he just doesn't know'.

I know you're telling yourself that you'd rather be 'near him' and miserable than 'without him' and miserable. But you know as well as I do how unhealthy that is. You're only living half your life.

Original poster
LosAmigos · 29/11/2022 19:13

He's gay so it wouldn't make a difference if I told him.

It was eating me up over the weekend and really getting me down me thinking that he might be with someone soon so I told him I was taking a break from messaging and he's reacted badly and sent a series of sarcastic messages and now isn't speaking to me at all.

This is a mess!

I just know that if I don't take a break from contact with him, I can't get over him. Sounds pathetic, I know!

OP posts:
WaddleAway · 29/11/2022 19:15

The thing is he has got ‘a lot on’, and one of those things is dating.

BatshitBanshee · 29/11/2022 19:19

LosAmigos · 29/11/2022 19:13

He's gay so it wouldn't make a difference if I told him.

It was eating me up over the weekend and really getting me down me thinking that he might be with someone soon so I told him I was taking a break from messaging and he's reacted badly and sent a series of sarcastic messages and now isn't speaking to me at all.

This is a mess!

I just know that if I don't take a break from contact with him, I can't get over him. Sounds pathetic, I know!

Do you think mentioning that you were in love with your gay male friend earlier in the thread would have helped posters reply effectively? There's dripfeeding and then there's just neglecting to mention that part of the reason he won't fancy you is because of his sexual orientation?! In which case OP it might actually make him uncomfortable that you're that interested and in love with him.

Chikapu · 29/11/2022 19:19

He's gay so it wouldn't make a difference if I told him
That was really relevant info!

iklboo · 29/11/2022 19:30

He's gay so it wouldn't make a difference if I told him.

Fuck me. That's not a drip feed it's a fucking monsoon. What a waste of time.

InsomniacVampire · 29/11/2022 19:37

Well, yeah that explains a lot.
Not sure why he reacted badly- is he expecting you to be messaging with him constantly (when he supposedly has a lot on)- or have you messaged him about something and then shut it down, is he needy, are you needy, are you both a bit too needy expecting the other one to be always at the ready but then too busy at the same time?