To think my mate is shit?

[LosAmigos]

I see my best friend regularly. He is very busy with work and everything else and we were supposed to be meeting up soon to do an activity but as he was so busy, I suggested that we can postpone until things get a little bit less busy for him after the new year. He agreed. I was disappointed, but these things happen.

We were texting yesterday when he drops into conversation that he has a date coming up in a few weeks. Now, I'm a little bit pissed that he has time for someone he has never met before, but not me. I expressed this to him and he thinks i'm being silly.

We have very close relationship and speak everyday.

AIBU to be pissed off at him?

He's gay so it wouldn't make a difference if I told him.

Well, there's a drip feed and a half 🙄🙄

I think you've been really mean about him, calling him names on this thread... when all along he is not mean, he's gay.

What mean names have I called him?

I have said I think he's shit for basically saying he's too busy to see me when we had previously made plans to see each other, but then he has time for a date!!! That is kind of shit. We speak every day but don't see each other that much.

I have just checked back through my previous posts on this thread and definitely no name calling from me. I wouldn't do that. He's my best friend.

Your thread title, you called him shit.

He is shit for saying he's busy and hinting that he's too busy to see me and allowing me to postpone, but then having time for a date. That's a shit friend.

Plus, I think you're a bit dramatic saying I'm nasty. Really?

He has form for cancelling because he's busy and then going out with other friends.

Maybe he's uncomfortable if he knows how you feel. Maybe he just wants to try and meet someone. Either way, you need to get over your crush, it's never going to happen.

I was once called a shit friend for the same reason. We no longer talk as I was getting so fed up of the constant messaging and being moaned at for daring to have other friends.

His life doesn't revolve around you

If we're going to get pedantic.... I didn't call you nasty! I said you were mean about him.

YABVU

You need to step back - your reaction to him going on a date and not making enough time for you is unhealthy. You are possibly making him uncomfortable.
It was very relevant info that he's gay - look, it isn't happening. Stop torturing yourself and either continue a less intense friendship, or move on completely. Either way it can't continue at this level.

How do I get over him though? I feel so depressed.

HE's pathetic, not you! If a friend messages me and says they need take a little time and 'regroup themselves' so they may be out of touch for a bit my instant response would be "Take what time you need. I'll be here. Love you, support you, let me know if there's anything I can do". He doesn't sound like a very good friend if his response to you is a flurry of abuse!

Your decision to step back shows that you are self-aware and that you know what you need to do to stop the feelings you are having for him. But as you try to stop those feelings, you also need to think about what a friendship with him might actually offer YOU once those feelings are gone. Because it appears to me that this friendship is very, very one-sided and that you actually don't get much 'friendship' from him.

Crossed posted. I suggest counseling. You need to 'pick through' the feelings and eventually you'll be able to get rid of them. Or at the very least, they'll be locked away in some deep dark closet in the back of your brain, giving you room to put a better and more honest love in its place.

He's not your partner, and he is prioritising finding a partner over seeing you, because you're a friend and nothing more. I'm sorry you want more, but I can guarantee you'll always eventually feel let down by him, as he will never see you the same way. I would try to pull back your expectations, otherwise you'll find yourself upset frequently

Thank you for your advice. I'll look at accessing counselling. He's not even my type. I guess he showed an interest in me generally, says he loves me (in a friend way) and eventually it's developed into romantic love on my part. It's so painful!

Thank you for your advice.

That is it! When he cancels on me, I feel let down. I wouldn't care with other friends but I have become so reliant on him. I hate feeling this way.

Thank you very much for your sound advice.

I have to step back and cut the almost constant contact. He's on my mind constantly and the messages we send back and forth don't help this.

When I said that I was going off messages for a little while, he started offering up dates we could meet and my head was spinning. So confusing!

He messages me first every time! He is the one who is in constant contact all day when he's not at work.

He's also the one who organises us meeting up. I wouldn't say i'm needy. I go with the flow but when he says he's too busy and allows me to postpone our arrangements, but then has time for a man he's never met and he's possibly going to love down the line if things work out (this is devastating to me!), then I do feel aggrieved.

I think you should start dating others yourself ASAP. It's not that you are not his type, and that may change, but he's gay. The fact that you have allowed yourself to fall in love with him probably means something psychological, like you are scared to find someone actually available to you, but really you need to find others to fill your time with.

If it is honestly devastating to you that he may eventually love a potential boyfriend, then put some distance between you. That's not a healthy way to feel. Don't tell him you're doing it, just do it, no drama, no fallings out. When he messages, don't respond straight away. Wait. Make excuses not to get into conversation. But put some distance in quick sharp.

A) a few weeks is in the new year
B) I think deep down you would rather he was more then a friend

He's gay? And I assume you're a woman.

Let the first step in healing be the knowledge that it couldn't be less of an insult to you. He's gay!

But the fact that he's gay is an interesting factor. Why have you thrown so much of yourself into somebody/something that will only ever be a fantasy? Why are you avoiding real relationships? What are you scared of?