To think my mate is shit?

[LosAmigos]

I see my best friend regularly. He is very busy with work and everything else and we were supposed to be meeting up soon to do an activity but as he was so busy, I suggested that we can postpone until things get a little bit less busy for him after the new year. He agreed. I was disappointed, but these things happen.

We were texting yesterday when he drops into conversation that he has a date coming up in a few weeks. Now, I'm a little bit pissed that he has time for someone he has never met before, but not me. I expressed this to him and he thinks i'm being silly.

We have very close relationship and speak everyday.

AIBU to be pissed off at him?

You haven't 'ruined' a friendship, you've just brought truth and honesty into it.

And no, it can never 'be the same' because the friendship as it was, was imbalanced and hurtful to your peace of mind and your 'self'.

Now it will either flourish as a true equal friendship or it will die away as a friendship that was not healthy for you. What happens is up to you primarily, and to him.

The fact that you feel as sense of relief shows that, deep inside, you knew the friendship wasn't healthy. And the 'time out' is needed for you to sort out your feelings and find a way to turn the romantic love you feel for him into a 'friendship love'. Again, counseling can help with that. It can also help you sort out whether or not this friendship is helpful or hurtful to you, regardless of your feelings.

What is up to him is to treat you respectfully and kindly. To monitor what he says to you and gestures he makes to be sure they aren't subject to misinterpretation. And primarily, to give you the space and time you need to figure things out for yourself.

@AcrossthePond55 Thank you for taking the time to post such a long reply.

I do still feel such relief that it's out in the open. We haven't spoken for around three or four days now and while I miss our chats somewhat, it's not bothering me really.

He's not speaking to me anyway, apparently so as to let the feelings I have die down. I am disappointed that he's not asked how I am. I suffer quite badly with poor mental health and have felt at rock bottom previously, so for him not to even ask how I am doing is upsetting, but I am not important to him. It's fine.

He's also been quite arrogant in his assumptions about how I am feeling about him. It's put me off him more though, which can only be a good thing!

I am scared that I have ruined the friendship forever, but I have realised that my feelings for him were preventing me from meeting anyone and wanting to form a long, loving relationship.

I think deep down I feel the pain that the friendship has changed. It's horrible that I might have lost my best friend forever, all due to me not being able to keep my mouth shut.

But not speaking to you at this point is the right thing for him to do. Don't resent him for doing what you asked.

I'm not criticizing, just trying to help you get clarity, but reread your posts. It appears to me that your 'head' is really full of contradictions about him. He's 'doing what I asked' yet you're 'disappointed he hasn't asked about me'. You're 'relieved it's out in the open' yet you wish you'd 'kept my mouth shut'. Again, not criticizing, just calling to your attention that you need clarity on this.

If you suffer with your MH, then now is the time to 'reconnect' with people/professionals who have helped you and ask for a 'tune up'. My son has PTSD and in 'regular times' he manages fine, but in times of stress or emotional upset he'll get back in touch with his treating sources. We call that a 'tune up'. It's not a MH crisis, it's just a need to 'strengthen' oneself and to remember or relearn the tools needed to navigate an emotional situation.

Yes, the friendship has changed, but that is a good thing! As it was, it was giving you so much pain, just for the sake of having him in your life. Whether or not you'll be able to 'reframe' that friendship remains to be seen. You have to want to reframe it, (and I think you do), but you need to be able to reframe in healthy terms. You won't be able to do that purely by not speaking to him. You need counseling to help you pick this through and either reframe it as a healthy friendship, or if that is not possible, to move away from it altogether.

@AcrossthePond55 You talk absolute sense. I really need to sort out my shit, don't I?

I think our friendship will never be the same, that it will suffer because of this. Some of the things he has said since I told him has really saddened me, but

I posted too soon.

But I hope that will help me feel better about the situation more quickly.

You seem very torn,on the one hand you are happy you confessed, on the other you are agonising you ruined the friendship.

If it is ruined, it was not a great friendship to begin with and it stopped you from seeing other people. If it is altered, it may be more suitable for what you BOTH need from each other. You clearly cannot fill in the hole in his life he wants to fill (but may have been too reliant on you making future plans just in case), you need someone else to fill that place in the life reserved for romantic relationship.

You both have to move on, and you can totally be best friends still without contacting each other every day and even in great friendship you can take time off.

Thanks for your post @InsomniacVampire

He's definitely not the same. We are barely messaging each other and when we do it's a very brief hello and how are you type of message. It's sad but there were other things that he did that made me question the friendship before all this.

Do you think it might help you to write a list of the behaviours he's done and things he's said that made you question the friendship or were unkind or uncaring?

Then when you feel weakened or doubtful you could read the list and maybe it will give you help in staying strong and in changing your feelings. Don't do this if you'll 'beat yourself over the head' thinking negative thoughts about yourself. Do it only if you'll be able to look at it and say "I was a good friend to him, but HE was NOT a good friend to me".

Hello @AcrossthePond55 thank you for your suggestion. I think that's a great idea. It might stop me from moping too.

@LosAmigos

I hope it will. Maybe also make a list of the things (in general) that make YOU a good friend, with the object of showing you that you are worthy of having honest and healthy friendships.

Not a list of things you've done for him, but more general 'what makes me a good friend'.. I'll start (about myself since I don't know you).

I am a good friend because:

I listen quietly when my friends need to vent
I keep my promises to my friends
I never repeat what my friends tell me in confidence

OK, now your turn.............

Thank you @AcrossthePond55 for being so nice.

Great little exercise. My turn...

I am a good friend because:

I listen and try and find solutions for my friends issues
I wipe away their tears
I'm reliable and consistent with plans
I try to improve their confidence and tell them positive things about themselves
I put them first when sometimes it's a hindrance to myself

Things are getting better, but I feel he's playing mind games. For instance, we agreed to cut the contact a lot as we were constantly texting when we weren't sleeping or busy in work. Now, when I text him, he reads the message but doesn't text back straightaway. Now, he always used to text back straight away, so I feel (I know) he's doing this purposefully. Maybe to get me to fall out of love with him, but having thought of all the things that he's done, he's a prick.

Oh gosh, I used the word 'prick' and I hate it! Bleurgh!

I see from your list that you are a very good friend and have a lot to offer people who have a lot to offer you. I'm just not so sure he has a lot to offer you.

Love, you need to NOT text him. You need to focus on YOU and you can't do that if you are weighing and measuring his responses/non responses to your contact attempts. His motives and meanings aren't important to your healing, to you changing your heart. You don't heal a hurt by picking at the scab. You heal it by covering it with medicine and a bandage and leaving it alone. Your 'medicine' is counseling, and your 'bandage' is opening your life to new people and things.

You need to start trying to fill your life, your time, with other people and other things. If you have 'empty hours' consider filling them with seeing other people, making new friends, even volunteer work. This time of the year there are carol services, tree lightings, soup kitchens, and other community events. Seek them out.

This is a horrible situation to be in. I feel for anyone who loves someone and it isn't reciprocated. You could just say that you would appreciate seeing him etc and explain the impact on you. That said, it sounds like he is hardly giving "I am not interested" vibes to you. Talking every day seems a little much though I do like space!

Thank you @AcrossthePond55. You're right, but texting him seems the most natural thing to do in the world, but he's not replying anyway. He's definitely playing mind games now. I do need a new group of friends. He is the one I speak to most and he's just not so easy to get along with these days and he seems to disregard my feelings.

@Burgoo Thank you for your kind message. He's definitely not interested and I have known that forever, unfortunately. Although he's giving me the space I asked for, in our few chats we do have, he's not once asked how I am and that's hurtful.

Exavtly that!

*exactly

OP you do realise your friendship is going to be curtailed as soon as he makes a serious attachement, right?
My BFF used to say "mates before blokes" but she never once lived up to it.

Maybe it's his way of trying to get you to back off? Easier to be upfront and honest, just tell him how you feel and as other posters have said, it'll then be easier to either have a relationship with him or to cut right back to a friendship only and try dating for yourself. Something has to give or it will just become too uncomfortable.

Just because something seems 'natural', that doesn't mean it's good for us. I mean, strychnine and arsenic are 'natural' too, and they are DEFINITELY not good for us.

This is why you need to replace what may feel 'natural' with something else. So, try this. Next time you feel like texting him, set yourself a 30 minute timer, tell yourself "If I still feel this desperate to text him, after 30 minutes is up, I will" then try to get busy with something. Don't sit and 'clock watch'. Clean a cupboard, watch a show, talk to someone else, take a walk. Tell yourself "I can wait 30 minutes". Then at the end of the 30 minutes congratulate yourself for achieving your goal and realize that if you can wait for 30 minutes, then you can wait for an hour, 2 hours, 4 hours, all day. Rinse/repeat lengthening the time interval and soon you'll realize that that overwhelming 'need' isn't there anymore.

Hello @AcrossthePond55 that's so very true.

A little update: things have changed so much in our friendship. We still text, but not as much. When we do text, it's kind of forced. It's so sad it's gone this way. If I do text him, he doesn't reply a lot of the time now. I've lost my best friend. I regret everything.

Do not think like this.
This frindship had no future anyways, he was letting you on, and you were suffering. It may feel hard now, but think, in long term it is best for you!

Hi @InsomniacVampire Thank you for your message. I don't think he could have led me on because he's gay.

But he was planning a future with you, knowing he was gay, and that is sending some messages as well- giving you hope, probably knowing how you felt about him. I am straight, but if I had a gay friend (or any friend, whom I didnt have feelings for), I would not be doing stuff like that.
In the long run, you really needed to get away- for your own sake. Otherwise you'd be spending forever chasing an impossible dream. I think the fact he is giving you cold shoulder is the best thing. Start dating.Even if it is just a casual thing, a date every once in a while. Dont put too much stress on yourself, or too much hope in others, it's a long process to get over love like that. You do need to go out and meet new people, it will be hard, but you will get there. And do consider therapy if you think you may not cope on your own.